I feel so guilty!!

I feel so guilty at what my black, get away from me moods do to my daughter and husband. I sometimes think about leaving and then realise that this would probably be even worse.
I seem to have been moody and down for ages. I don't really know how to say sorry and make it better, and I cant really expect an 11 year old to understand.
I also dont know whether to admit to hubby just how bad I feel. I'm trying to stay off medication and if I tell him I know he'll march me back to the doctor.

Hello, sas123. Maybe getting marched back to the doctor is what you need?

Hello Sas123,

I have to agree with The Byzantine on the Doc....there really is medication that can help you with the depression, and even tho some is trial and error...it does/can make you feel better. And if you think of going to the Doc not for yourself, but for your hubby and your daughter then maybe it will make it easier to go?

And please don't think your 11 yr old doesn't understand. She understands more than you think she does. She understands that her mom isn't happy all the time, or as playful and fun. She understands that there is something wrong. By NOT talking to her and explaining a little bit, she may be confused, scared and blaming herself for what is wrong with you. As adults, we don't give our own kids as much credit as they deserve. You don't have to go into detail, but you can at least explain that Mommy hasn't been feeling good, it's effecting my moods, and it's not her fault. You can ask her to please have patience with you, and that your working on making things better for everyone. Children suffer in silence when they don't know what's going on....I know I did with my mother and her bi-polar. I was always trying to make things better because I thought it was my fault she was the way she was and I was a bad little girl. I know if I had known then, that it wasn't my fault she acted the way she did I wouldn't have felt so alone and scared. And I was only 8.

Please, do go back to the doc....they are there to help. As someone trying to beat the depression demon without meds, ( I'm allergic to some common denominator) it's a hard road. And it's not easy at all. I go weeks with the latest episode lasting the past 3 months. If given the choice...I would be happy to take meds.

And saying a simple " I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" can go a long way with an 11 yr old!

Sounds like medication would help you, your daughter and your husband. maybe you could go in for a consultation on your own. One day at a time...

Yes, don't be scared by medicines. I know the idea of taking psych medicines is not pleasant, but it is too much a chance for giving it up. From my experience. Really.

I agree that medication could be beneficial to you. In addition, maybe telling your husband wouldn't be so bad. He would be supportive of you and would try to help you through the difficult time. You are right though that leaving would be worse. Your family/Daughter need you.

maybe focus on taking care of yourself, and it will be better for your family too in the long run. Do whatever you need to do to make sure that you are feeling better, focus on your sleep, and eating, and maybe get some help for medications or therapy if that is necessary. Your family will thank you for it.

Thankyou so much everyone! This is really a great place and really makes me feel much less alone!! My Dad has also had depression for years and I often felt it was my fault when I was a kid. Had a chat to hubby last night and he knew what was going on anyhow because he recogised the signs ffrom last time.
I feel much better after talking to him.
Thanks again.