Empty and alone....................................

Sitting here I find myself empty. Wondering if anyone out there even knows I am here. Asking myself why? Why am I still here or rather why was I to begin with. Dark clouds roll in and I feel myself almost suffocating somewhere in all these thoughts.

Maybe I am not suppose to feel this way. Maybe there is no reason. But then again if there is not, why do I feel this way. Lost within somewhere, lost without everywhere. Afraid to allow anyone to know what is really going on. For to fall would not be okay, you got to pick up the pieces yourself. For there is no one else that can do it.

Within I am holding a secret pain, without nobody is looking. There is more than meets the eye. Sometimes it seems the whole world is upside down or maybe it is just me. Somewhere within there is me amongst all the turmoil, all the memories, all the hurt, and all the others.

For to look at me you cannot see, but if you really look, there is more than meets the eye. A silence no one hears says so much. A word can speak a million words. Maybe someone just listening is all she needs. Maybe.

Why is it that at times there seems to be no one, or maybe there is and we cannot see or hear them. Maybe we are just tired. Maybe it does not matter. Reaching out yet nothing is reaching back. Feeling so out of place in a world that keeps turning.

Seems there is nothing inside. Weak from fighting and so tired of feeling like this. Wondering if there is an end to all that grabs you from within and the feeling of rejection without. So many things left unsaid. Cannot seem to let it out. Why is that?

Why is it that we are so afraid to say help? Why is it so hard to just talk? You call a friend and your voice freezes and inside you are screaming words that never see air. And no one knows. And when you do speak, you feel as though you are doing the wrong thing so you shut back down and pull back inside, when you really want someone to just hold you and let you know it is okay.

Sometimes screaming within, “Don’t tell me you understand because you don’t know what it is like to be me.” Yet, hoping no one hears that for fear they would leave too. It is a never-ending thing. Stepping ever so lightly so not to upset anything and so no one will think you are not trying or that you are just being negative.

You keep hearing within the walls of memory, “Be a good girl, try a little harder, you are not good enough, to make anyone proud.” And because it is so present and real you seem to attach it to everyone’s expectations when it does not belong to them. Then, once again you cannot be good enough. And so goes another twist, another knot in the belt worn so long ago. And you try to take it off but it keeps getting tighter.

When someone looks at you, they cannot see how much it hurts. Tears do not come on the surface. But just because our eyes do not tear does not mean our heart does not cry. And just because we come off strong—does not mean there is nothing wrong. For being strong is what we were taught to allow everyone to see.

It was only behind closed doors in the darkness that the strength was allowed to lower, when no one was around, when no one knew. For it is in the dark that you cannot see what stares back at you. Screaming within is please love me, I hate myself. But you never tell that part of it.

Sometimes I want to paint myself and pretend I am someone else. Would that make everything go away even for a moment? There are so many within crying out, but even just me needs an answer sometimes. And even though no one sees, I am falling apart inside but still trying to be strong on the outside.

The night is dark, the silence surrounds me without, but within the storm is raging. But no one knows. And tomorrow is another day----one where these thoughts will subside for the moment and another mask will be worn so no one can see. Maybe.

dps and me

((((dps)))
I'm sorry I don't know what to say my friend.
I do know I felt your pain from your words and I care
Life is just not fair sometimes dps . Take care of yourself
Love, Babysteps.

(((((dps)))))

Thinking of you dear

Dear DPS, I think it is a good thing that you are reaching out. While I reading your post I kept thinking of something my sister said to me durring one of my first depressive episodes. She said "everything you are saying sounds like it is being filtered through a black cloud". It sounds like you are going through something similiar. As you said, no one knows how you feel except you. But I Wanted to let you know that although you may feel alone, you are not. I remember your post concerning no longer being a moderator and it sounds like you are carrying a pretty heavy emotional load right now. That can eat all your energy up. But sometimes we can't work through something until we are ready to face it. You may feel like you are alone but somewhere in the world someone read your post, could relate and felt the need to respond. So here I am typing this on my phone hoping that I understood what you wrote correctly and that this response helps you in some way.

DPS just want to say sorry for the emotional
pain you endure. If possible keep on letting us
know how you are....luv Jjulia.

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Sitting here I find myself empty. Wondering if anyone out there even knows I am here. Asking myself why? Why am I still here or rather why was I to begin with. Dark clouds roll in and I feel myself almost suffocating somewhere in all these thoughts.

Sitting alone we will always feel empty if in pain. People know you are there and worry about you, even if you think maybe they don’t. You are here because you are a wonderful person who can talk and teach others and help. You were here to begin with because you are a gift, as dark clouds roll in you are entitled to feel hurt, angry and sad.

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Maybe I am not suppose to feel this way. Maybe there is no reason. But then again if there is not, why do I feel this way. Lost within somewhere, lost without everywhere. Afraid to allow anyone to know what is really going on. For to fall would not be okay, you got to pick up the pieces yourself. For there is no one else that can do it.

You were never intended to feel this way, each human being should feel love and understanding and support, the people who hurt you were bad, wrong and irresponsible. We all feel lost within at times and lost without too ... You may feel afraid to let people know because you have been taught to feel that way, but you do speak out and that is so good. Sometimes it is good to pick up the pieces, but there are others always willing to help ....

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Within I am holding a secret pain, without nobody is looking. There is more than meets the eye. Sometimes it seems the whole world is upside down or maybe it is just me. Somewhere within there is me amongst all the turmoil, all the memories, all the hurt, and all the others.

Within lots of people hold pain and it aches and aches until we let it go ... we often feel no one is looking but often they are and they want to help. Humans are so complex and often there is so much more than meets the eye. People do understand if you let them inside to comfort you. The world is upside down honey, it’s a cruel place though it is also very beautiful, it’s never just you. When walking amongst the turmoil look for that path which is laden with flowers and light, it hides the weeds and the darkness never letting them through.

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For to look at me you cannot see, but if you really look, there is more than meets the eye. A silence no one hears says so much. A word can speak a million words. Maybe someone just listening is all she needs. Maybe.

To look at you people see beauty, no one can see inside another nor hear silence. A word can speak so many that is true, we are here now listening, never be afraid to ask.

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Why is it that at times there seems to be no one, or maybe there is and we cannot see or hear them. Maybe we are just tired. Maybe it does not matter. Reaching out yet nothing is reaching back. Feeling so out of place in a world that keeps turning.

Sometimes our minds lie, as does the depression. Even though people hear you and listen we can think otherwise unless we truly look to see who is there. Please keep reaching out, we do reach back I promise. Your sense of self worth will reach back too eventually, we can comfort ourselves once we’ve learned how. I hear that you feel out of place in a world that keeps turning, I think each human hears this too ... if we’re honest.

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Seems there is nothing inside. Weak from fighting and so tired of feeling like this. Wondering if there is an end to all that grabs you from within and the feeling of rejection without. So many things left unsaid. Cannot seem to let it out. Why is that?

There is so much inside of you, love, compassion, kindness – see these wonderful parts of your personality as we do. All that grabs you from within can be squashed with your positive thoughts of yourself. You will only be rejected from without if you let that happen sweetie, and sometimes that is in our heads. So many things left unsaid but so many spoken so far too ... you are letting it out right now by speaking to us. You are healing slowly and surely and all will be spoken out in time when you are ready.

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Why is it that we are so afraid to say help? Why is it so hard to just talk? You call a friend and your voice freezes and inside you are screaming words that never see air. And no one knows. And when you do speak, you feel as though you are doing the wrong thing so you shut back down and pull back inside, when you really want someone to just hold you and let you know it is okay.

Sometimes we are afraid because of the way our minds have been conditioned. Never be afraid to ask for help. You are doing that right now by posting here. It seems hard to talk sometimes for fear of rejection, but in truth your true friends will not reject you. On the phone is not ideal to talk, the words that freeze are not ready to be spoken? You are NEVER wrong for wanting to tell the truth and let go of hurt. We all need to be held and we all need to hold. It is times like this when I wish I could put my arms through the screen and tell you it will be alright, we all should be held. Sincerely, Kerry xx

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Sometimes screaming within, “Don’t tell me you understand because you don’t know what it is like to be me.” Yet, hoping no one hears that for fear they would leave too. It is a never-ending thing. Stepping ever so lightly so not to upset anything and so no one will think you are not trying or that you are just being negative.

.Noone can possibly know what it is like to be you my friend, just like it is impossible to know what it is like to be me. But I do know that I feel pain too, so many hurt beyond belief, you are not alone in feeling this way. Your fear of rejection and abandonment is real and understandable, but there are so many good people in this world they far outnumber the bad evil ones who hurt you and I. Don’t ever step lightly, go forward with heavy steps in order to heal, those who care will listen and help. It takes so much time for positive thought to overcome the negative.

Quote:

You keep hearing within the walls of memory, “Be a good girl, try a little harder, you are not good enough, to make anyone proud.” And because it is so present and real you seem to attach it to everyone’s expectations when it does not belong to them. Then, once again you cannot be good enough. And so goes another twist, another knot in the belt worn so long ago. And you try to take it off but it keeps getting tighter.

Walls of memory will be forever there in your mind. The more you think about them the deeper the lines are etched, this is a fact .... so replace the negative thoughts you have been conditioned to think with positive, the more of those you say and think the lines will go deeper than the negative – sooner – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH – YOU DO MAKE PEOPLE AND YOURSELF PROUD – those thoughts will overcome the negative the more you think them. It makes sense, it worked the first time right? That belt can be undone slowly but surely so it becomes loose, just keep saying the opposite to what you were so wrongly told .... and you will breathe once more.

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When someone looks at you, they cannot see how much it hurts. Tears do not come on the surface. But just because our eyes do not tear does not mean our heart does not cry. And just because we come off strong—does not mean there is nothing wrong. For being strong is what we were taught to allow everyone to see.

People cannot ‘see’ hurt unless you cry in front of them. Tears do not come maybe because they are dried from so much hurt? That reservoir is just around the corner, your heart will find it and replenish it as you find it is ok to cry. You are strong simply because you can fool everyone into thinking it, that is strength in itself. You are a survivor too which gives you mighty strength – believe in your strength as it is there all the time, every day of your life and every time you speak out.

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It was only behind closed doors in the darkness that the strength was allowed to lower, when no one was around, when no one knew. For it is in the dark that you cannot see what stares back at you. Screaming within is please love me, I hate myself. But you never tell that part of it.

Behind closed doors is when we are at our strongest. When no one is around we hurt, cry but we are alone and strong. What stares at us in the dark are only the monsters you let in. The rest is made up of stars and the moon, when there are couds you can see angels and other pretty pictures even if the clouds are dark. Within you is a voice saying please love me – that voice is begging for you to love yourself and all aspects of you. That love comes from within first, you can love YOU, please believe my words as I speak from experience. From within first.

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Sometimes I want to paint myself and pretend I am someone else. Would that make everything go away even for a moment? There are so many within crying out, but even just me needs an answer sometimes. And even though no one sees, I am falling apart inside but still trying to be strong on the outside.

Why would you want to paint yourself into someone else and take on all their issues too? Noone is without problems honey. You are fine as you are, gentle, kind, understanding and loving, you don’t NEED to be anyone else. Those aspects of you within cry for your love and understanding, they will find it and you will become whole from healing. Your answer lies within not without. Think of falling apart inside as an old, crumbling wall with bad foundations which need erasing. As that falls apart rebuild those foundations with love for yourself, understanding and each brick must be replaced with one made of love, positivity and light ... soon your insides will shine and become larger than life whilst the old wall is just a ghost, still there maybe but totally outshone, outnumbered and lost in your archives.

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The night is dark, the silence surrounds me without, but within the storm is raging. But no one knows. And tomorrow is another day----one where these thoughts will subside for the moment and another mask will be worn so no one can see. Maybe

The night is dark but alive with light from the stars and the moon. Within that storm rages because angels overcoming demons makes a real racket J. Thoughts subside when you become weary and your mind needs rest, tomorrow is a day to start building a new wall and re-educating the mind with positivity, each day you tell yourself you love YOU and YOU are WORTHY and you MATTER will etch deep into your subconscious just like all those negative thoughts did years ago ... Fresh in your mind that tree of positivity will grow and blossom, masks are always false, they can be crushed, melted, smashed, they are not indestructible .... they will melt to reveal your true beauty sooner than you think and you will shine as bright as any star there is .... please believe me I speak from experience ... sincerely, my love Kerry xx

after reading your words...

I sit here feeling... feeling... feeling
my heart under pressure like twisted by merciless hands
my lungs they want to scream out loud to make you see
how I see you even from this far away distance
-I see yooooouuuu! Come bring your tears to me -
let me gently wipe them off as the sun begins to shine upon your face

((((((((( all of you )))))))))))))

/N

(((((DPS))))) Sadly, pain can't be seen on the surface. I found this at work. The only way we sense it is through a grimace, alimp, a cry. when you wrote your pain, you opened yourself and the pain to us, you freed it and alerted us to how you felt, that you were suffering. This s a move that takes courage, and it takes strength to break the silence. It's much easier to let the voice die away and le the silnece settle over the pain.
I'm glad that you spoke. I'm glad you cried out. You have to acknowledge even to yourself that this is not OK.
My guess is that you are a survivor. Survivors are often incredibly strong and incredibly vulnerable people. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that both qualities are gifts to be owned, not discarded. Obviously, you have depths and gifts beyond the average, DPS. You sound like a joy to behold and a blessing to love. Huggs, I know this is so hard to believe. Still, even through the black cloud, I hope you hear me, too.