[embracinglife]

Feeling pretty annoyed. Why am I feeling annoyed? What need is not being met that I want to be met. Maybe it is that I feel misunderstood. I want to be understood.

My mom is in town, and to me, it seems that she doesn't really understand what I am going through. She knows that I am "depressed" and struggling a lot, with meds, school, going to a therapist, but at the same time, I really don't think she gets it. I don't think it's something she's struggled with, so I don't know if she knows how it would feel...but I'm not sure if that is it.

Maybe I just feel like she doesn't listen to me sometimes. She's a great mom, don't get me wrong, and I know she's been through a lot too, what with losing her mom to suicide 2 years ago. We went for a walk today, and she was telling me about how she thinks my grandma probably suffered from anxiety and maybe depression too for a long time, but how that generation wasn't so open about those struggles. It was tabboo...I think there's still some stigma to it to some extent, but yeah, its probably a lot better now. It's not like I can start talking about my depression so easily with someone I barely know (except on this site, and with my therapist)...maybe I'm still in denial about it all though. Maybe i just want my problems to go away, to not have to deal with this sadness and pain anymore (I feel physical pain with the depression as well).

She was bothering me again this evening. Well all day really, she's been telling me about how I've gained weight, which of course I know, I may be slightly overweight now, but still healthy. I've started working out more this semester, and am not eating that great, but I'm in college! I have no money for that, etc. I tried explaining to her too, tonight, when I wanted to eat more snacks after dinner, that with this pain that I am feeling pretty much constantly, it's nice to have things to distract myself from the pain, and eating seems to have become a distraction in this way. I know it isn't the best solution, but what else have I got? I mean, I don't drink or smoke anymore, so I feel like I need some kind of distraction at least. And yeah, if I had more friends in the area who like good, decent fun and could make me laugh, I'm sure that would help, but I havn't really got a whole lot of them right now either. So I just feel stuck. It's good to get these feelings out though, at least recognize how I'm feeling, maybe a little of why I'm feeling that way.

Thanks for listening. Any of your thoughts would be very well appreciated. Love you all.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((gracieme))))

Thank you for posting and for sharing what you were feeling. You did a good job telling us what was going on. I am sorry that you feel annoyed. Maybe it has to do with what happened today. Maybe it is something that is coming up for you and you just have not got it all as of yet.

I am so glad that you open up to your t. That is so important. Your t will be able to guide you and know what is going on. I am glad that you shared with us too. Trusting people to open up to is hard. And it is smart to be causious when opening up.

Sometimes others do not understand or can not get it, and you do not want to feel worse by them making comments that would only serve to do that. Maybe not even meaning to but they just do not get it. Being careful is a wise thing.

Denial is something we all go through sometimes many times as we walk along our path to healing. It sometimes is hard to accept things that hurt and why or even what they are. I know for me, denial has been something that was put into me so it was so easy to go there and try to make it go away.

It takes time to be able to face things. If you are not ready to face things then it can be more harmful to force it. But that said, living in denial can be just as harmful. None of us like to admit things that have happened to us.

It is not easy and in admitting we then have to face the facts and what happened. For me, many times I would rather run but I also know that healing comes from being able to look at it, deal with it, and then move forward. And that sometimes takes a long time to do. But once we have truly dealt with thngs we can move forward. Sometimes one minute at a time, and sometimes even one second at a time.

I hear you say that you need to distract someway since you do not smoke or drink, but replacing another not so good habit that can lead to more feelings of what you do not want is not really an answer. Do you draw, write, sew, or have any other hobbies you like to do? I know that from experience eating for comfort can get out of hand and then you feel bad about the weight that comes on.

And other things can occur like diabetes, water gain, heart problems, and those are to name a few. I gained a lot of weight eating to find confort and I know for me it just created another problem of feeling terrible about myself. My self-esteem plummeted downward even lower than it already was. And now, I am trying to lose it all. I just do not wish you to bring on something else to have to deal with.

It is good to get your feelings out. I am glad that you posted here. I validate what you are feeling. Please take care of yourself. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

[embracinglife]

Thanks a lot for your comforting words....yeah, I'm glad you were here to listen. It's good to feel like some people understand a little and are there to help. Yeah, I know what you are saying about the eating, and I realized that it is out of caring that my mom probably said the same things...I don't know why I took it so personally this time, but you're right, I shouldn't just switch to another unhealthy habit to drown the feelings, its good to have those other creative outlets that you talked about.

Denial is hard too, and I feel like I have been in denial for a long time. It's still hard to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted four years ago...even when I was having flashbacks, and now the flashbacks are gone, but I still avoid even thinking about it...I know it happened, and I know I am depressed now, but I still don't like to think about these aspects of my life so much, is that really so bad? I mean, yeah I know I need to confront my own issues, and that trying to understand more about the feelings and the depression will probably help me a lot more in the long run, but its just so confusing. One day at a time I guess... thanks for being there.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((gracieme))))

You are doing what you can do. And that is okay. I am so sorry that you were assulted four years ago. I do understand. I have been there growing up and just a few months ago. I know what you are feeling. It is important to talk to someone about what happened. It is by no means easy but for your own self it would help you to release what you are holding within.

I know it is not something we want to talk about. We would rather forget and let it go but truth is it will go away. Eventually it will creap back up until you can deal with what you are feeling. It will seep through everyday things and make it self known whether we want it to or not.

I tried for a long time to hide it and push it back everytime it came back. I tried to say I can deal with this, I do not need to talk about it. But honestly until I did it kept coming back. Being asulted is not easy. It is wrong. It is a violation of you.

You do deserve to be heard. You do deserve to heal. I know that a few years ago, I posted about being assulted and the feelings I was carrying. If someone had not reached out to me here I would not have had the courage to talk about it. Just the validation of what I was feeling and the fact that someone heard me and cared enough to reach out meant more than I can tell you.

Taking one day at a time is really the only way we can do it. For reaching behind can send us back where we are not completely ready to go. And reaching too far ahead can cause lots of anxiety for we are not there yet. Staying in the moment and in the present is where we can find ourselves and deal with each thing that comes.

You are not alone. There are many here that know what it is like. Know that you are not alone and that we are here listening and hearing what you are saying. We do care very much.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. If you need to talk please feel free to PM me. Thinking of you.

dps

[embracinglife]

Thanks for listening to me. I have been talking about it with counselor's for almost four years, but yeah...I'm still not open about it with friends really...even though I have told some, and my parents know, so that is good too, but yeah, I'm still taking my time and waiting till I am ready to really open up more.

I really like your advice about taking things one day at a time. That's a really wise thing to say, and I think it is true too. Anyways, thanks for listening. I'm really glad that I'm finding this site valuable to me.