[Katileena]

I don't think I've ever felt whole. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I feel like something has always been missing...and all my life I've searched for it. I remember when I was a kid I would put all my energy in finding a "best friend" someone who I could share everything with. I never found a best friend. I don't think I've ever felt close to a single person in my life....not even my parents....maybe my brother but recently he and I don't talk hardly at all.

This empty, unwhole feeling has been lingering in me for years...and at this point in my life it is stronger than ever. To cope I've been binge drinking and/or cutting to numb me or distract myself from the feeling. I feel so, so alone in life...

When I drink it makes me even more upset...drinking when you have depression just makes the emotions so much worse. I have all this built up anger and pain so when I drink all my weaknesses collide and I break down. But when I am sober I can't seem to let out any emotion and most the time I go through the day not caring and feel like a zombie...like I am a huge faker because I really am so down but I try and act like I'm fine to function throughout the day. Or some days I'll just give in and sleep all day to escape everything.

I'm going to see a counselor this Thursday...I'm hoping he can give me some advice on what I can do to get help. I won't have health insurance so I'm worried what will happen...I want and need help but can't pay for it. I hope he can point me in the right direction. I am tired. Very, very tired...living with this depression for over 3 years now untreated...I know i can't ignore it anymore. I'm scaring my friends and will hurt the ones who care about me the most if I don't do something.

James Parks wrote:

Loneliness of spirit is really a void within ourselves, a hollowness that cannot be filled with other people—no matter how close, warm, & fulfilling our relationships might be. The yearning we feel is real; it comes from the depths of our selves. But love is not the answer to this existential yearning. Fusing with another person will not solve all our problems. If our real problem is our Existential Malaise—felt as loneliness—even the most ideal loving relationship will not fill this aching void.

I hope you find the help you need. Good luck.

[Rohag]

Hi, Katileena! A few weeks ago PsychCentral featured the following New York Times article linked from one of the blogs:

How to Find Mental Health Care When Money is Tight
by Lesley Alderman

"Two weeks ago, I wrote about how people with insurance can navigate the mental health system to get the help they need at prices they can afford. This week, I offer advice for those without insurance, or with only minimal coverage, on how to find low-cost mental health care." [Emphasis mine - Rohag]

Of course, a real-life counselor is much better. Wish you well!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( katileena ))))))))))))))))

[lonegael]

((((((((((Katileena)))))))))It's hard work being depressed, and that's not sarcastically meant. I hope that your counselor has good advice for you; if you are still unsure of how to get help you can afford, post back here. There are a lot of people who are very knowledgeable about that sort of thing. As I am not, I can only offer my sincere wishes for peace for you and a chance to reconnect with your emotions, somewhere safe and encouraging. Take care, now. Huggs.