Hope Is Just A Stranger

Guys, I have noticed my last few posts have been a lot of Wailing and Whining than anything really worthy of comment...I am writing down my feelings but the negative demon inside my head taking advantage of the chemical imbalance in my brain A.K.A 'Mr. Depression' says that this is just one of the many posts on this site... Why should it be anything special? Yet i know this is all stupid and i have always been heard by people here...Like Dps mentioned in my earlier post it is Mr. Depression at work, surely...
So now for another round of my stupid venting...I'd be lucky to have a few people reply to me given the amount of rambling i've done... I just think hope is a stranger these days...I cant see myself being successful I fear that even if I clear my exams and get a qualification I would fail in my job... I'm always trying to be nice and I can't make fun of people... I know that in the books it may seem strange that not making fun of people is a bad thing but in real life no one likes a sensitive guy who cant make fun of you or laugh at you if he doesnt know you...I think people would consider me as too rigid too keen to get things right or too anxious to not make mistakes...I know one thing I will give it my all and would use all my experience to hang in there and earn a decent salary but i think i might collapse with the stress especially given the fact that i have depression... People at the workplace and in practical life are a hard challenge... When you get things right in the workplace your reward is that they dont whip you but if you make a mistake they make sure you carry the guilt each day...I'm sorry if i'm being too pessismistic i've just been belittled a lot as a kid and bullied and beaten up at High school so I kind of find it hard to put a positive spin on these feelings...I thnk i must be under estimating my strength cos i have a friend on line who is like a dozen times hotter than me and she never forgets to send me a smiley on Live chat and last time she even said I'm a great guy... Thanks for listening!

((((((((((((((( CK23 )))))))))))))))

Wail & whine all you like. CK23

((((((CK23)))))))

That is what we are here for. To support you!

Hello, Ck23. What one thing that you can do right now would help you? What one small thing? Why not do it?

We are here to be wailed at! and wail ourselves, at times! Glad it helped Huggs hon!

Sorry you are struggling. check out our blog at http://hopeworkscommunity.wordpress.com

Guys thanks for all the support... Byzantine I think what i need to do is what i am doing... I mean really I have run a background check on all that i may have to face in the future and what steps i am taking to ensure that i am doing all that needs to be done..The result i have got from this exercise is that apart from cutting loose and throwing my values into the sea as in stepping out of the house on saturday night and joining the 'wild humour crowd' on the street where guys spend the night using vile language and smoking cigarettes and 'laughing at' others to have fun i have done everything i could possibly do to ensure that my future is bright... I literally hate being alone on a saturday night but i dont have the kind of stuffing in my chest to call the accquaintances who barely even say hi after a whole year passes away...I cant tell them again to come eat out with me when i know that the very next day they wont know i even exist till they actually 'Want' something from me... I can't do it... I mean i just can't make fun of somebody to amuse others and be part of the crowd...So the real point in all this rant is that I am afraid of the way people are these days what they expect and what they look for in a guy and the way i am and the way i look at things... I am a 24 year old adult now and i have had many many encounters with people...I have been in practical life for nearly 9 years i joined work when i was merely 16 and even with this precious experience in my pocket i feel like an outsider with people and at the end of the day i feel exhausted and i lock myself in the bathroom and the tears come out... I am a master fake person... I have a nice sweet sounding fake laugh and nice breezy 'dont want any trouble' words to melt the heart of the biggest meanie to an extent that he or she doesnt harass me after a point but it only goes so far and at the end of the day you cry for someone physically there to give you a hug and take you in their arms and just listen to the hurt you feel... I think we all need that in our lives and even more so when people are so hard...When we are young our parents tell us to say thank you and sorry but where i live saying these words is a sign of weakness and an acknowledgement of the fact that you are a nice guy; someone the sharks can have for their dinner! ... I am sure you guys all mean well and i am being melodramatic... I think whatever advice i have gotten here has been well intended and unlike other people who have taunted me when i confided you guys always reach out with a smile...Thanks again so much for listening... this is just a random act of rambling on my part i know in my head that what i have just shared doesnt really have a solution i mean what should you do get into everybody's head and force them to change... They say you can spend your whole life changing the world and yet not change a single soul... They also say change yourself cos that is in your power... i believe to that extent it makes sense but I really dont think i would do myself justice if i decided to stare at women and smoked and picked on others to fit in... That way i would not only be lonely and depressed but also compromise on my dignity and as far as 'begging' accquaintances to take more notice of me is concerned i think it only goes to an extent beyond which the outcome tilts to the dark side...

Sometimes you can't muster hope within you even when you do recognize it's depression that's telling you lies. At those times rely upon another's hope... when someone gives you encouragement, even when the first response is generally to say Yes, but... whether said verbally or just in your head... DON'T say it... say Ok, they do have hope for me, and I'll go on their hope until I find my own again.



You can work on that guilt too If you learn from a mistake, that's excellent because that's part of living. No one knows everything. If you make a mistake at work, say oops or sorry I'll work on not letting that happen again, and move on. No guilt required (even though they might try to control you with it.) Guilt is only "allowed" if you set out purposely to do something negative and contrary, and receive a good feeling from doing it first... but ppl who do that rarely feel guilty. Nope, no guilt allowed. Do your best. What more can any one do?

I think it is good that you realize that certain action , even if they are done just o fit in, would end up cheapening you and what you believe. I have a little story for you about the theory of weaknessand strength.
My grandfather was probably the most soft spoken, gentle person that I have ever met. He was the type of guy who loved kittens and babies and would cry (yep, cry) at weddings and funerals. He was a carpenter, and grew up as the eldest and only son of six children. His father dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 48. My grandfather therefore never finished school.
Yet II never ran into a person who challenged, even in blue collar areas, my grandfather for being a bit of a sop, and a quite, polite self effacing man. After he died, I found out why.
My grandfather had been a bare knuckles boxer in his teens, and untill WWI he had been climbing the ladder in that vicious sport. Then he was one of five men out of his company of 150 who survived a bombardment in the battle of the Argonne, and they actually managed to take themselves alone behind enemy lines until the front broke. In short, the man was a war hero. Then, he became a union organizeer and president of the carpenters union in Oregon until that union was nationalized, and so on....
The sad thing is that my grandfather only really looked fro trouble in the first case, as a boxer. After the war, he really wanted nothing to do with violence. He lived his life the best he could and tried to make it a better place, even if it didn't always keep him out of hotspots. In short, he hardly fit the model of what most of the tough guys would have called a man after the war. But he was worth twenty of them, and they knew it. They were afraid of him, even when he was an old man.
The really stupid thing was they missed the point. What made him a man was really not the tough guy stuff, it was the fact that he unashamedly loved his family, worked hard to support them and his community, was willing to fight and possibly die to protect them, and didn't care what other men thought if they saw him playing with a young cat on the buidling site. What others can see as a weakness is often a sign of strength. Tough guys are usually afraid all the time of what others think.
So. end of the homily, hope you enjoyed it. Huggs, and keep your head up, CK. I think you probably alred out-man most of the losers who would make fun of you for saying please and thank you.

(((((((((((CK)))))))))))

Wishing you all the best. You ARE a great guy!!! You deserve good things in your life. I hope, with all my heart, you get them.

@ Berries... You are a gr8 person yourself cos when you call someone gr8 you need to possess that quality to notice the same in another person...
@ Loneagael I may seem to be overdoing this but I can't help saying how truly kind and giving you are...You just mentioned your grand father's story in the most exquisite manner and top it off you've been giving comfort to me when i have not given half as much to you...I just gotta say a simple thank you is a real loser to express my gratitude...I wish i could help you as much someday and i get what you say about the sorry and thank you part i promise that's never gonna change no matter how much those losers try to belittle me... I am the one in charge of my destiny and there's nothing they can do to stop me! Cheers!

Good luck!

I'm honoured to share the forum with you, CK23, someone who won't sacrifice decency and nobility for social acceptance.
No, can't do that. I can barely get into my own head. You're right. I hope some comfort hitches a ride on whatever words I can get out, but it's just a hope.