Rock bottom

I'm so down and depressed I feel I can't take it anymore. Today I told my husband I was sorry for being a bad wife and that I wished I was dead. He was so upset by that and asked me to never say that.

The thing is, I am so down that I can only see death as a way out. I can't kill myself, but I do wish a truck would hit me or something like that. The everyday struggle is so hard. I just want to be "normal" and have a bad day here and there, but not every single day.

Sorry for the stupid message, just needed to say it out loud.

Thank you for saying it out loud. I hope that speaking here can be a constructive and healing step for you.

Sounds like you have a good husband and that's something to look forward to. Please just keep hanging on because these feelings won't last forever. Try if you can, to look at the small good things in your life - if we think for a minute we can imagine how things could be worse. There will be a good series on PBS Jan. 4-6 at 9:00pm on PBS called This Emotional Life. I hope you and your husband will both watch it. Happy New Year and I hope things improve for you very soon.

Gingercat, I am aware that I am preaching at the chorus, but if you ever feel so badly that you feel like acting on what you are feling, then go to the emergency room or tel your gem of a hubby to take you there ASAP. ((((((Huggs))))))) and hang int there OK?

((((((( Gingerkat! )))))))

I'm there with Bill3 and the others - expressing these feelings is not stupid. Hiding a problem or pretending it doesn't exist is far more dangerous.

If I may ask, what have you tried to deal with depression? Has any method/means/technique brought you any relief at all?

To follow up on what Rohag said, are you taking meds and/or in therapy? If not, why not? If you are, have you told the professionals their help is not working? No one should welcome being run over by a truck. Get the help you need now.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone.

I've been on medication for years, individual psychotherapy, group therapy and even hospitalized. I feel that there isn't much else that can help. Feeling very angry at myself, the doctors and just life.

If things aren't working, I can see why you're angry, gingercat. try to be gentle to yourself, and remember, if you feel as horribly as you were a little earlier, please get help ASAP. Please? HUUUGGGGSSSSS

((((((((((((((( gingercat ))))))))))))))))

It sounds like you are feeling angry, frustrated, perhaps hopeless because you've tried so many things and nothing seems to help enough, or for long enough. Are you wondering if anything can ever help?

Exactly what I'm thinking. What if I am one of those people that can't be helped? I feel so hopeless right now.

I'm looking at a stack of bills wondering where the money is going to come from. I just keep thinking that if I was dead, my husband could get the life insurance money and pay everything off and have a chance to start over.

I'm so desperate right now.

I'm really sorry and concerned that you are feeling so hopeless and desperate that you would be thinking about life insurance money. Would you consider speaking to someone at a listening/crisis hotline, such as 1-800-273-TALK in the United States?

I think I'm going to call the mental health hotline from my health insurance company. I'm not in a good state right now and do need help. Thank you so much for listening and understanding. It helps...

At your convenience, Gingerkat, please let us know you're doing.

i'm so sorry you feel that way. it's horrible and i do understand. i really hope you get the help you need. maybe your Pdoc can change your meds. please keep us informed and let us know how you're doing. good luck!! HUGS!

Ginger

*big hug* I know it don't seem like there's a light but there is. Sometimes it's just hard to see in the dark.

I had a very smart T a couple of years ago and he shared some wisdom with me that I hope will help you. He told me "Please don't look at this as a problem or obstical. It's not. It's a way of really messed up thinking. It's a lifestyle. Just like anyother way of living presents it's problems this one does too. Granted this lifestyle isn't one that you get to choose. When you start looking at it as a problem you start to work against it. When you work against it it becomes a problem. Problems you can fix, but when you try to fix this one you only break the person. There is no right or wrong answer for this problemSo please don't look at this as something you fix. You have to learn to look at it as hearding unpredictable chaos."

I hope this helps you. I know when I feel like the end is just waiting for me I remember that and try to find strength in it. It was a new spin of looking at things. Sometimes being told you're perfect the way you are is what you need to hear more than anything else.

Please remember anyone here (myself included) is here to listen if you need an understanding ear or just a shoulder to cry on. You are NEVER alone in this battle.

Does anyone here believe in bad luck? Like an unlucky person? Because that is me, the most unlucky person in the world. Everything goes wrong for me. Even others notice how negative things happen to me.

I called the hotline and in the middle of the conversation we got disconnected. Can you believe that? I reach out for help and then nobody. I know it was probably an accident, but it feels like I'm not meant to be helped. It really ****ing sucks.

But... thank you all for your support & love.

It feels like you are singled out for bad luck! Still, I'm glad that you took the step to call, and I hope that you could, or were able to, continue to talk with them.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I hope you'll again let us know how you are doing.

If nothing is working for you, Why don't you try ECT?
I am seriously thinking about trying that for my last option.

Oh, please don't ask me what ECT is
you can just google and you'll be able to find tons of information about it.

Good Luck to you!

Gingercat? Have you called them back? It's easy to mistake a run of bad luck as having some special sort of meaning, but it honestly doesn't. Hang in there, hon. Thinking of you. Huggs!
PS I have my own ginger cat right here. A constant reminder of you.

I didn't call anyone back last night. I ended up crying myself to sleep, so that was fine.

This morning I feel so much better, a little stupid for last night's drama, but better. I have my battle scars though (cuts & bruises) and trying to figure out how to explain to husband.

I'm going to look into the ECT - I've heard of it before and have considered it. Life always looks a little better the morning after a terrible episode.

Thanks all for helping me through it.

I don't know if you will find this a comfort- but I believe there is no such thing as NORMAL....we are all unique, each and everyone of us. please do not compare yourself to others who you think are 'normal..' There simply is no such thing, we all have deep down inherent worth

((((each and every one of us just wants to feel love)))))))))

Oh Ginger, I'm so sorry I wasn't here! I'll make sure I send you a little something soon, to cheer you up and have for when you're feeling alone. Something to remind you that you're not alone, that you have me there and many others

I hope things do start to get much better for you... You deserve so much happiness sweetheart and you're just not getting it right now...

You know where I am if ever you need to talk, just drop me an email and I will get back to you asap. I will be getting the internet at home by the end of this month, so we can keep in contact more regularly then and I'm already making plans to come see you. That's how special you are to me.

Please keep holding on. I'd rather see you when you're alive than when you're dead

Please take care honey and just drop me a comment or PM whenever you need.

Lots of love, hugs and good luck coming your way, you wonderful and special lady

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :throb

I feel the same way. Fat lot of good that does you, but I hope you don't feel so alone. I just want to feel like I want to live. I want to feel like I can grab my life and do anything with it instead of just let it go. I hope you find something that helps you!

Ginger, I'm so sorry I haven't been around! I have had so much going on recently but now have my own laptop and access to teh internet, yippee! So, anytime you need a chat, I'm here ok?

I hope things have started to get easier for you and that you can remember I am always here. I promise I will write a letter tonight and send it off tomorrow. I Promise with all my heart. You deserve a better friend, my dear!

Please please take care of yourself, dopn't end up like me a few nights ago being told my liver was failing from ODing!

I love you so much babygirl, don't ever forget that