When people don't understand depression

CK, I think you've hit it exactly! It's not the words, it's the delivery.

For example, when I was a child being bullied, I quickly learned that when the adults said, "Just ignore it and don't let it bother you," they usually meant, "I'm ignoring it, so don't bother me with it." Tossing off a platitude, no matter how technically correct, is not helpful or supportive.

Positive attitude is important. It can be accomplished. It is not easy, nor is it the only answer.

Would you like advice on how to deal with that? I don't have any right now, but I (or someone else) might be able to think about it and come up with something helpful, if you want it.

Thank you so much LoveBirdsFlying for sharing your insights. I love your Nora and Sara tags. Finally I can remember those terms! lol. This thread has been a very useful read if merely to validate me with reminders of what is true and untrue for me.

I used to get really upset when people would deliver those kinds of questions or offer that kind of advice. Now if I do admit to some lay person that I am depressed I simply without getting upset or frustrated say 'No specific reason... but I'm working through it and I'll be okay. I just need to take special care right now.' That usually generates a supportive response because it gives them an out from the discussion. If they continue with advice I thank them for it as though it was a new idea and try to change the subject before my frustration takes over.

I know they mean well and while I would like very much for people in my life to understand the complexities of the illness it just isn't my reality. I feel very lonely sometimes knowing I have to put on a mask and make light of something that may have me by the throat for days or weeks at a time. I hate that I have to hide my pain to avoid hearing someone make it sound like I am a victim of my own self indulgence or laziness or whatever. When others seem to think I am simply having a pity party and offer steams of solutions that may make logical sense and may even well be part of my existing core of coping mechanisms I think I resent that it gets over simplified and that somehow I am personally at fault or to blame for feeling badly.

Likewise when I am up and full of life and energy and moving forward as though I had the world by the tail and people suggest this is the person they know and love. Leaves me feeling very alone thinking how their love is conditional to my being able to maintain a desireable mood. If my up mood is the consequence of mania that undoubtedly will eventually spin into depression I feel even more vulnerable to being exposed or abandonment.

I appreciate too the reminders of how it is we can manage the illness. I do not have a pdoc nor do I take psych meds. Those are also among the list of questions and suggestions that will come at me from some caring folks who offer them as solutions.
If not for my phobias about doctors I might well be better off than I am. I do accept treatment for my dysfunctional thyroid but I am very fearful of other medication and pdocs because of past experiences.

As it is I rely heavily on self care and what may be best described as spiritually based practices and rituals to fill the void of professional medical or psychiatric assistance. I have tried on regular intervals over the decades when things have gotten bad to the extreme to connect with pdocs therapies and drug treatments with little to no success or even negative consequences. I guess I wish it were different and I had that kind of support and help on my side but for now I do the best with what I have been dealt. The more I accept and the more I learn about the illness the more I take seriously the importance of taking care of me so that when my mood flips I understand why and I have the skills to cope. Mostly I do my best to remember to treat myself with kindness and patience and to make the most of every situation.

Thanks again for sharing.

But I do mildly disagree about a depression being merely psychological. Not when there is brain chemistry involved. I think there is much about depression that is physical. This is not to say that it cannot be helped, and I really don't want to get into a debate about it.
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Lovebirdsflying - I agree with you here. When you're dealing with complicated deep depression like bipolar etc. there's a chemical imbalance - which makes it a 'physical disease' like any other bonafided physical disease. Just because it's in the brain, doesn't mean you can't call it a physical disease. In these cases self help methods may only help mildly(or not at all) but are still important to keep the body healthy. Since it does involve chemical imbalances, psychotherapy can still be used to enhance quality of life. Thank you for sharing your point of view.

Lovebirdsflying... First of all thank you for appreciating my post...I think you should have the credit cos if it wasnt for this thread I would not have been able to share my own point of view...There are people who do want to help and do show care...But there are problems when we consider their assistance...Such people are hardly ever found cos modern life and selfish materialism have consumed nearly everyone in our world... People are so damn busy they only care to communicate when they have a vested interest involved so naturally it all comes down to luck if you are to meet someone willing to lend a comforting shoulder......I think you need supportive and non-judgemental people around you if you want to make a comeback and get rid of this disease...Trouble is that while knowing the solution can be a triumph, making it actually happen is like finding your way home marooned on a desert with no compass or the faintest sense of direction .... I think shrinks and medication are measures that may help but a supporitve physical network of caring people is the best medicine for this disease...If you spend time with them and feel that you are not being judged and are being handled gently and soothingly I think you can bid this disease a permanent farewell and view life with a whole new perspective...Life sucks big time and you have to deal with it and that makes such friendships look better than a six figure salary with a holiday cruise to Hawaii!

I like this Thread. Sometimes my bf says "stop making yourself miserable" or "think of something happy."
I know he loves me, but he has to learn what I need when I am depressed. I think I will show him this thread and it might help articulate something.