[bluzman]

Just before the new year commenced I involuntarily have fallen into my bouts and endless marathons of sleep deprivation...my whole body twinges with dull continuous pains that generates thru out all my associated joints and muscles.I have overdosed on tiredness over the last fortnitght or so, that subconciously my mind cannot define when to shut off (just like cell phone battery that loses memory and cannot be defined by full or empty and cannot be charged).True... , I have OCD and depression combined(shall i add reactive depression as a consequence of my OCD)..But i get this reactive depression as I am constantly consumed by intrusive thoughts and ongoin' rituals,( which i can deal with to a certain extent) but as soon as I develop an intermittent knack to shrug it off (temporarily only...as eventually new OCD symptons will later on manifest and take priority)...the true SAGA begins for me..Insomnia eventually followed by ENDOGENOUS depression,which differentiates in character to my reactive depression.I feel totally frustrated almost like under a "spell"..angry and avoiding people and situations of socialising (shopping).Strikingly enough this endogenous form of depression deflects some of my OCD symptons as well as its counterpart (reactive depression). I really dont know how to deal with it as its been my biggest "Demonic combat" since all my issues commenced well over a decade a go. This Endogenous depression puts me in almost a diabolic state of mind that it scares me that i cant stay close by to people,completely opposite to the state of depression when my OCD is at its peak.I inturn set upon my lone pilgramage that I go and live out of cheap motel rooms and even my car sometimes as I consume my life savings from my hey days as a tax payer...But fortunately enough as soon as my OCD and thoughts kick in again and begins to esccelate my endogenous depression begins to whither once more.From Psychologists to Psychiatrists(a fair few) to hospitalisation to bucket loads of medications(both SSRI antidepressants and Tricyclic) I still cant combat this form of beast of depression defined as endogenous..tried sleepers to valium and other sleeping aids but i have been denied for further consumption as my doc was fearing the worst to my reliant on them till further review.I am currently on a moderate to high dose of Zoloft.. for OCD.Thanking you all and I hope some feedback if you like!!!Bless you all!!!!

[pegasus]

You sound like a very intelligent man and have a good understanding of your depression but it also sounds like the depression has control of you and you are driven in this pattern. Rather than have it control you is there anything you can do differently to change things?

I personally feel that sleep is the main problem that needs to be addressed first. We can pretty much cope with anything flung at us if we have had enough sleep. It is worth going back to the doc to get something to help you sleep.

I would then urge you to seek psychotherapy, although you have a great understanding of what is going on in your depression cycles but how about looking at the root cause and dealing with that. It would be a painful journey but worth doing as I feel you wouldn't be running from it so much.

Take care.

[bluzman]

Dear pegasus, I firstly wish to thank you immensely for taking the time and reading my recent post and offering your wisdom on my issues.I have seen many therapists since I was diagnosed with my issues.In brief I have had counselling with Psychologists in enhancing my environmental and bettering my lifestyle living (to no avail) through to mulitiple psychiatrist in which I have endured many sessions of Cognative Behavioural Therapy. The ironic and striking thing is that soon as we would chip away at some major issues and desensitize them new problems would arise and take priority,it was like mind cancer in a sense where we could not erraticate the bad cells.Ive also endured weekly (ongoing for the last seven years) sessions of Psychodyanmics, but found myself covering the same sagas with difrrent aggrevated intensities that would only reassure and exacebate my depression and feelings of withdrawn and avoidant. I know this may sound as though I am a synic and one may believe that I think I am incurable but I believe that through this uncharted journey of depressive illness I harnessed every sense of sensebility and sourced out every avenue avialable to me whether it was gratis right thru to paying for sessions which warranted success rates. Any how I think today my biggest joy and breakthrough is that there are compassionate peole like yourself on this site and that take the innitiative and considered my issues and offering feedback which is priceless.Thanking you once more and most honoured for your time once again BlessYou!!!