[justfloating]

Recently I can't stop listening to "Free" by Jann Arden. It's about someone kicking out a lover who wasn't very good for her, but I've found that I can relate to it in terms of my personal journey with depression very well.

I feel like these lines describe my depression very well: "It's like I've faded, just like the curtains in the sun, just like the clouds I've fallen from ... I let you change me, down to the colour of my hair, 'til I can't find me anywhere." I think, for me, depression has essentially been a process of losing myself, and recovery means finding myself again. Being able to define myself again. I used to know who I was, I used to know what I wanted and where I was going, and then the depression came along and wiped all that away.

I still don't know very much about myself. At the start of a new semester a lot of my teachers make us introduce ourselves to each other and tell the class something about ourselves. I always have to struggle to figure out what to say. I have no clear picture of myself in my mind, like looking at myself in a foggy mirror. I look at some of my friends, who are incredibly secure in who they are, who are so sure of themselves, and it makes me sad because I know more about them than I do about myself. I want to be like that, comfortable in my own skin, knowing who I am, but I have no idea where to start.

I'm not sure if the depression erased my sense of self, or if my lack of sense of self was a contributing factor to my depression. What I do know is that the last few years have been 1) becoming depressed, 2) being and recovering from depression, 3) forging ahead. One year for each step. I think that now, I need to start learning how to live again. I've been little more than a zombie for almost three years. I can't remember how to be active, engaged, lively. I can't remember how to even have a life outside the confines of my own head. I can't remember what curiosity feels like, or how to be adventurous. I can't remember what LIVING feels like. It's been such a struggle just to stay alive, I've completely forgotten how to LIVE, and that scares me. It scares me that I could ever forget something so important. And the whole process of learning to live again ... that scares me too. I've gotten so used to settling for being alive, I'm afraid to LIVE, if that makes sense.

I saw Jann Arden in concert the other night. She opened the concert with Free. The chorus goes like this: "So I'm punching out walls and tearing down paper, cutting my bangs, yes sooner than later, I'm selling my soul right back to Jesus, taking up hope and giving up weakness, untangling the strings, I'm free." I remember thinking that here was a woman who clearly knew herself. It isn't just that she has talent and confidence, you can tell from her demeanour that she's just sure of who she IS. I wish I was like that. I wish I knew who I was, and I wish I wasn't so scared to find out.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm afraid to LIVE, if that makes sense.

Rebecca
I read your whole post and this sentence stands out the most to me.
I've been wondering the same thing for many years now and it makes perfect sense . How can we be afraid of something we want so much?
I can see a fear of failure but fear of success ? How can that be ?
Depression is so confusing it makes us do confusing things .
Forgive me but I'm starting to not make sense. Hugs to you

[Ascension]

The good news is you aren't broke, the fact that you could connect with the song is a sign of a soul that still lives and breaths and yearns. Just need to find a way to bring that out and sharing your story here is a start. I had never heard the song and I probably would have never found a new artist i like because you shared it. So in a way you made a difference in my life. Now just find a way to do allow that to happen in your life at home. You can do it, just BE your self like you can here. It's all about safety I think, and if you can;t feel safe around your friends and family then maybe you need to address that. You seem kind, intelligent and sincere to me, that translates well to relationships. Good luck.

(((((((((( justfloating )))))))))) Rooting for you.

[turquoisesea]

I really connect with your post. You've said everything so well.

I often feel the same way, and I still don't have the answers. Did I ever know who I was, etc...
I guess the answer to these past questions aren't as important as the answer to the question what do we do now?

I hope you can learn to live - give yourself time, allow for mistakes. It's a learning process and we need to be patient.

Sending hugs and good luck

[sanityseeker]

Hi justfloating... thank you for sharing. You speak for many of us who have walked in your shoes.

Something jumped out for me too. Maybe because of something TheByzantine shared with me about distorted thinking. I imagine you can appreciate how our depression distorts our thinking. One of the points was to not compare ourselves with others because we can't know their story. You mentioned admiring Jane Arden for having a demeanor of confidence. If you were to research her story you would find that she herself battled with depression and other mental illness symptoms on her journey to where she is today. Yes she is a woman of courage and strength but that was not always how she felt. Like you and me she had to fight her way back to be who she is today and it is likely that she had her good days and bad days, just like us. Like her you too can know who you are and exude confidence and strength. It won't happen overnight but day by day as you affirm yourself those gifts you may not see right now will expose themselves. Ask a friend to give you a list of qualities about yourself that they see in you and then own them.

You are clearly a bright and articulate young woman who has already demonstrated tremendous courage and strength to have journeyed through the 3 steps you mentioned. Those same qualities will bless you as you learn to live again.

Celebrate yourself. You are awesome. You are someone's Jane Arden for having made it this far. Truely!