[septum]

And I'm not too proud, but I can't talk to anyone I know personally. I need to say something, right?

I was on Prozac most of 2009 and it kept the big sadness at bay, but looking back on it now I feel ill because I was so much like everything I loathe. I was simply distracted. That is beside the point though. I'm without insurance now and I can't pay for 30 mg a month, so I'm just taking 10 (clearly, it isn't having the same affect).

Nothing about this year has been right and I'm closer to the edge than I've ever been before. I'm 20, I'm unhappy with my appearance, I'm miserable in my relationship (despite how great my boyfriend is), I feel on edge at home, and I haven't been able to get out of bed to go to classes two times now and it's just the 4th day.

The last straw was my returned check. Thankfully my dad is obligated to pay for my tuition, but he put all of the responsibility on me and I'm simply not strong enough to deal with this right now. They've added $30 to my outstanding tuition and threaten to purge me from classes. IF I could get back into them it would be an additional $100 also. I'm sick about it. MY dad won't do anything but tell me to take care of it. I feel so ungrateful.

The only time I feel like I'm myself is when I'm alone and talking to someone on AIM or something--I loathe social interaction these days. I'm not sure what it is I'm seeking by ranting on here, but I figured it would help take my mind off things.

[trevorzero]

You're in a pretty deep hole right now. If there is anyone in your family who knows your real situation and is a sympathetic figure, I would hope that you could get them to intervene on your behalf. Your father might be quite clueless as to the depth of your problems and he needs to be told how things really are.

What does your therapist say?

[Pomegranate]

Have you tried your school's nurse or med clinic? Or telling your dad how bad your feeling and asking him to pay for your meds? Or finding the city or county medical clinic and getting an appointment - it will take several months - but they will often charge on a sliding scale and give you meds for free.

I respect my mind and body's call for down time when I'm depressed. If that what makes you feel better and not worse. Some people get more depressed by isolating, some of us are helped by it. No one thing is right for everyone. Keeping posting here if it helps you. We are here to support you and listen.

[septum]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

You're in a pretty deep hole right now. If there is anyone in your family who knows your real situation and is a sympathetic figure, I would hope that you could get them to intervene on your behalf. Your father might be quite clueless as to the depth of your problems and he needs to be told how things really are.

My dad couldn't be any less supportive if he tried, most likely. He's never been a huge part of my life, but when it comes to my emotions he gets REALLY busy all of the sudden. He's got no idea I even saw a psych or went to a mental institution in high school, he left all that on my mom.

I texted just about every person I knew would text back in my phone last night to keep from jumping off the edge, but it only seems to be postponing my decision.

[septum]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

What does your therapist say?

I stopped seeing my therapist in March of last year because they kept screwing up my insurance billing and it was more stress than I came in with. Currently I have no insurance so seeing someone is out of the question considering I can hardly afford my medication.

[septum]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Have you tried your school's nurse or med clinic? Or telling your dad how bad your feeling and asking him to pay for your meds? Or finding the city or county medical clinic and getting an appointment - it will take several months - but they will often charge on a sliding scale and give you meds for free.

I respect my mind and body's call for down time when I'm depressed. If that what makes you feel better and not worse. Some people get more depressed by isolating, some of us are helped by it. No one thing is right for everyone. Keeping posting here if it helps you. We are here to support you and listen.

No, I haven't sought out anything in school yet. I'm only brave enough to post on here and anonymously right now because of my negative experience with billing disasters and medicine.

I'd like for my job to give me more hours or to have some actual assignment to concentrate on in school, because as of right now it's just the first 2 weeks and it's mostly reading and note-taking. I'm hardly motivated enough to get to class and when I do go I'm late and exhausted from the walk.

Eating alone this evening made me feel even more pathetic than usual. I used to be alright with doing things solo, but this week it's just too much--I feel like everyone can see right through my skin and into how worthless I feel.

To top my dinner off I had this girl from my town send me nasty messages concerning some really immature drama from like 2 years ago. I tried to remain mature about it through messages but in reality I'm a nervous wreck and seeing her name in my inbox takes me at least an hour to calm down from before I can bare to read it.