So much SHAME...

Hi everyone. Just wanted to see if people feel what I'm feeling.
I'm not confused about what I have, I know I have a deep depression.
I've been struggling it with it for about 9 years now.
But my depression now is definitely the worst thus far.
I have completely isolated myself to the point where I left all my family and friends and moved to California with my sister.

Why??? Because I am so ASHAMED of myself that I cannot even face the people that I care about and also do not want to burden them with my problem. Even living with my sister is hard because I am so ashamed of myself that I don't even want to see them. But it's better than living back at home where there are so many other people I would have to avoid. I am so lonely and tired. I know I need to get professional help, but I don't even have a job so have no means to get help. I don't know what else to do, I am coming to an end. I can't even reach out to anyone anymore, even to God...

Hon, do you have a therapist? Toxic shame is a really bad thing, because it really does beak ties between people. It's not even smething that God wants for you, I can say that much. Not if it is breaking the bridge between you two. Can you put a finger on whatyou are ashamed of? Can you work out why this makes you ashamed? I'm glad you wrote in to us, because that must have been really hard to do. Here, you don't need to carry that burden any longer. But a good Talk doc or a pastor or a free clinic counselor can help you get to the point that you can separate out the toxic shame form the normal sense that all people have. I'm so sorry that you are bing so tortured by this. HUUGGGGSSSS and peace, Choson.
PS, There are a lot of people on te site who are very good at figuring out the economic angle of this. I encourage them to come out and strut thier stuff for you!

Like you, I was experiencing guilt and shame to where it controlled my mood and day to day living. I've been reading self-help books and one of them said that we all have scars or things we wish we would have never said or done, but the key is forgiveness of youself. Hey, we're only human and everyone makes mistakes. If you can put your finger on it and know what you're ashamed of you can ask yourself is it something I can apologize for? If it's too hard to talk about, how long are you going to let yourself suffer? Set a time limit and let it go, it's the past and we all can learn from our mistakes. Try to forgive yourself because I'm sure we would forgive someone for something they were ashamed about.

I suffer from shame, too.
And I isolate. I have depression, anxiety, etc but my dx is Borderline.

I'm sorry that you are suffering too. You reached out here and that's great!

Choson, would you also feel ashamed if you had asthma or diabetes? Mental illness is just that, an illness. I know about isolating, having done it for many years. The literature confirms, however, that having a solid social base is a key to emotional wellness.

Please get help to sort this out. Good luck.