... I told him something has to change here and now, if this marriage (one year) is going to work long-term. And what must change is that I must be respected. This means no calling me "crazy" because I have a mental illness, etc. In his defense, he responded that he hadn't meant disrespect, but has a limited vocabulary and doesn't know any other word for when my symptoms are acting up. I suggested "symptomatic." Or, he can just describe the actions he doesn't feel comfortable with, without putting a value judgment on it.

Being respected also means listening to my input, taking my feelings seriously, and not making decisions for me. At the conclusion of it, he said that some words appearing neutral to him are going to appear inflammatory to me, and I agree to be forgiving if it's an innocent slip. Likewise, just because he doesn't demonstrate his emotions doesn't mean I can't, and he's going to have to tolerate an occasional display. Can't I put emotions aside and just think logically, he wonders? No, I answer. I have to work through the emotion first, and then I can think logically. He needs to let me do that. (And if I have to watch my tone of voice or else I'm acting "crazy," then by gosh, he'll need to watch his tone too!)

And here is where my thoughts are haywire. That word "respect" is loaded with baggage, at least for me. Hubby and I are both abuse survivors. I have never put my foot down and demanded respect before, at least not without being shot down right after with some variation of "who do you think you are?" It comes as a mild surprise that he didn't laugh in my face and give me that old saw about "respect is something you earn, not something you demand." Or, "I pay the bills around here, so what I say goes." It does look like he is willing to respect me.

Yes, there remains that ghost of a voice in the back of my head, asking what nerve I've got, demanding to be respected as if I'm--I'm--some kind of important person or something! In 45 years on this planet, I have never felt entitled to respect. I was always told you have to earn it, and of course, exactly how to earn it was a secret not to be revealed to me. Other people around me had apparently earned it; I had to respect them or ELSE! The whole concept was a one-way street. I was required to give it, but not entitled to receive it, no matter what. Not even my children had to respect me. If I said something, and another adult in the family disagreed with me, it never seemed to matter who actually gave birth to the children; I was overruled. My relatives would correct my children, with me standing right there, but then step in and undermine me if they felt *my* correction was unwarranted. (It just occurs to me that the one relative who did the most of this, has never been married and never fathered his own children.) Were I to have the audacity to demand respect, I would be openly ridiculed. "Well, listen to miss high and mighty who wants respect! That's a laugh!"

My husband didn't do that. But I still feel iffy about continuing to demand it. Have I earned it? How *does* one earn respect?

And is it something that should be earned, after all? Or shouldn't every human being on the planet be entitled to some measure of respect? Don't even death row inmates merit some human dignity? We talked this over, hubby and I, and we seem to have come to the conclusion that everybody deserves respect. It's disrespect that ends up being earned.

[Lboogieg]

I like the conclusion you and hubby came to; everyone deserves respect. You earn respect simply by showing it to other people! You also earn disrespect when you do that to others. You get back what you put out, it's as simple as that. It's the law of karma. What goes around really does come around, no pun intended. This is why you're supposed to treat others the way you would like to be treated.

I like to siphon off my pain sometimes when it becomes too much, especially with my father. Let me be clear here though; my father is a wonderful man and has been a wonderful parent throughout my entire life. I was never abused physically or mentally. However, I don't think he realizes the impact of his words sometimes. They're not abusive, per say. They're more like harsh truths that I just don't want to face.

But this is why I get that from my dad. I do show him respect, but when I siphon off my pain it'll come back to me. It's an endless cycle until I decide to break it. More to the point, you and everyone else in this world is entitled to respect -- as long as you're willing to show it to others. Hope that helps

[Rohag]

Hi, LovebirdsFlying! All in all, your post seems hopeful. The "confrontation" provoked some genuine conversation. You've highlighted to your husband the importance of the respect issue. Good job!

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

...I have never felt entitled to respect. I was always told you have to earn it, and of course, exactly how to earn it was a secret not to be revealed to me.

Regrettable (but exceptionally well-described). Yes, that kind of socializing stays with you and affects your whole life. It's important to share that background/programming with your partner.

Wishing you an ever-increasing meeting of hearts!

[lindee]

(((LovebirdsFlying)))

[thine_self_untrue]

I hope things work out for you!

[stefano]

I think that dignity and basic respect are due to any human being. That doesn't need to be earned. Starting from that, one may earn extra respect, which may culminate in admiration. That kind of respect must be earned. What you are asking seems to be the first type, and I think you have a right to demand it.

How are you doing, LovebirdsFlying?

Pretty sleepy right now. I'll check back with everyone in the morning. Hugs all around.

[lonegael]

I would say that you are right in saying that disrespect is something that has to be earned, not respect. Too many epople thingk that showing repsect means groveling. It doesn't, but then i think that is where so many people get to thinking that respect has to be beaten or bought out of people, or delived because the person respected has the authority to demand it. How sad, and how wrong. After all, dear, you ARE someone important. You are his wife, his partner, the one holding his house together while he is out "earning " his precious money. This doesn't mean that you have no right to be a codeterminer of your life. I had ONE discussion of this type with my husband before I was able to work here. He never used that argument again.
Good luck dear. It takes awhile getting some part of your self to believe what your brain tells you is true, that you are worth respect, not servility. HUGGGSSSSSS.

[Perna]

I think the problem with respect is, as you say, it's got a lot of baggage and personal interpretation in there. I would try to find a more complete, descriptive way of asking for what you want (as you did!).

I think respect is actually about personal boundaries http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm and whereas when you "demand respect" it makes it about the other person and what they do/don't do, setting boundaries is about yourself and taking care of yourself.

From the position of one's self, other people can't argue with you because they are not you. "I feel bad when you call me 'crazy', please don't call me crazy anymore" is a lot more helpful than, "no calling me 'crazy' because I have a mental illness" which is a bit vague and more about him and how he may or may not think of mental illness than about you and/or you and his relationship. As he pointed out, "some words appearing neutral to him are going to appear inflammatory to me" and you are going to have to point out which words each time! There's no easy way to set boundaries other than by identifying each rock, tree, and stream :-) Other people can't read our minds and just "know" how we feel.

But it sounds to me like you both did extremely well with your discussion and know a lot more about each other, and that's what marriage is all about (to me, at least), getting to know each other and how to work together well.

[Stranger2]

I think you should pat yourself on the back..You set the boundrie very diplomatically..I can relate to your situation..My one sister calls me a basketcase and my other sister calls me her house mouse because I am home all day and night.. I finally got fed up and told her to quit calling me that..I'm positive that people without having mental illness don't know the harm there words cause..