never been this bad

I have been depressed most of my life. Along with PTSD and DID, it makes things kind of hard. Since I had thyroid surgery last summer, my depression has been getting worse. It started with a weird "euphoria" feeling, shortly after surgery, then depressed, then back to "normal"...up, down, a little up, wayyy down. I never remember being this depressed before. I've started to hear my dad (who is dead) talking to me. It seems like my meds are doing nothing. I've told T and p doc but nothing ever comes of it. p doc asks me what I'd "like" to take. If I had that knowledge, I'd be a p doc.
All I know is the lows are lower than anything I ever felt. I cannot cry. I pray not to wake up in the morning and curse when I do. If I can't have some quality to my life, I don't wish to continue.
Does anyone think the thyroid surgery has anything to do with this? I am on synthetic thyroid meds now. I take Zoloft dexadrine and xanax also. Please, someone comment...I feel at the end of my rope.

you know, there absolutely could be a bit of a connection with your surgery...

but my gosh i am so so SO sorry that you are feeling the way you are. the worst feeling in the world is waking up wishing that you hadn't. i've been there many times. many many times. you know, sometimes that can just be the progression of your mental illness... you know, things are getting worse but that's what is going to happen sort of thing.

you should tell your p that you want his/her opinion on your treatment... or maybe you should seek out another p to help you out more. i hate it when doctors ask what i 'want: my treatment to look like, especially when i don't even know why I look like anymore. you just want someone to step up and help you, and sometimes that doesn't happen.

are you on synthroid? my mother has been on it for years and seems to react well. don't take the xanax unless your anxiety warrants it. i have noticed that i tend to be a bit more depressed when i take xanax.

i guess my advice is to ask your t and p if they think that your depression is a progression of your illness. ask their professional opinions about the the thyroid surgery as well. i am sure, seeing as how proficient you are on this site, that you have researched everything online. but like i said, ptsd and did? that is a lot of strain on your mind.

i think its uber cool though that you are able to post here. i just started, but already i am feeling better. please pm me anytime. i mean it. i just feel so horrible that YOU are feeling so bad. please keep us all updated on how you feel.

p.s. is anything helping to ease your depression right now?

Hi, Calista+12! Yes, I think there are well-documented interconnections between thyroid problems and depression. You might try searching thyroid/hypothyroid-related sites and information.

The severity of your depression and manifestations such as hearing your father warrant pressing the issue with your caretakers. Remember, those docs are there to serve you, not you to "please" them.

Thank you both so much. I have done research but didn't get anything but "maybe's" . My doc wants facts. I am taking levothyroxine (generic synthroid). The depression meds do not seem to be doing a thing. I could fall back to sleep after taking dexadrine..that's just abnormal. My sleep cycle is screwy also.
It's hard to know what part of this is depression, or DID or PTSD ...or maybe it doesn't matter which is which. My T is more interested in treating the DID than looking into the worsening depression. I feel so close to the edge.

((((((((((((((Calista))))))))))))))
I'm sorry I have no advice, but I'm sending hugs and support your way

Jacq

I see my T tomorrow so lets hope he hears me now.
Although....I have tried to always be honest with him and let him know what's happening with me. Now, I'm fraid to do hat because he will over react, call my H and alert the hospital. Is there no middle ground?

there is a middle ground.if you dont intend to harm yourself,he cant hospitalize you.contrarily,you seem aware that this problem needs to b adressed,,and if you need to,ask directly for intensive help.afterall nothing is more important than your personal welfare.

Inside my head, I believe I can fix this by myself. I don't even want to see t tomorrow. I will go to the appointment but won't expect any miracles from T or from myself.
Experience has taught me, T will react to my depression in a way that tends to infuriate me and push me away from further therapy.
Every time I see him, I ask if he has spoken to my pcp about my meds and thyroid med. The answer is always the same. Not yet....
Oh ! Silly me! No pressure T just do it in your sweet time.
I was the one who was going to call the pcp and ask the questions myself. T thought it would be better if, between him and my p doc , they were to call the pcp. Whatever...just ***** or get off the pot T!
I do not feel worthy to get any help.

One piece of input I'd throw in is to remember that there is a spectrum of treatment possibilities between outpt. therapy and inpt. hospitalization. Perhaps you can find ways to get more support and make some changes that way without having to fear hospitalization. Unless, of course, that's what you need to be safe. Have you thought about changing therapists since this one isn't jiving with you?

Let us know how your appointment goes, and know that we're on your side.

((((Calista+12))))

Thank you for writing hun. I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I hear you and I am listening. I also take levothyroxine, I do not know what it is doing. I know how the depression meds seem to do nothing. Having DID also, my p doc is not sure who is needing or taking or not taking the meds.

I am not taking any psych meds at this time as for us it does not work. I was on many meds but many times they were not being taken as some did not think they needed or wanted them. So not sure who was taking what. But I talked to my p doc about that and he decided to take me off all meds for now, until I was more stable and then he would know what I needed. I only take medical meds now. Just something you might talk to your doc about.

Calista, you are worth getting help. There is an answer you just have to find it. Keep asking and keep looking. Hold on and reach out and take my hand.........................................................You are going to be okay. I know how that edge looks and it is not an easy place to be.

I do hear what you are saying and I validate how you feel. But hold on friend and know that you are not alone. We are here and we care. Please take care of yourself. You do matter and you are important.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Thyroid levels definitely can mess with your mood. Following your thyroid surgery you should've been getting your thyroid hormones in your blood checked regularly to make sure your levels are in normal limits. If they're low it can cause hypothyroidism, which can give you depression. Do you know if you've had your levels checked lately and if they were normal? I would definitely look into this if I were you.

Regarding hearing your deceased father talking, it is possible that your depression is so severe that you are experiencing psychotic symptoms. I actually have a thread about this atm. If you google it, don't freak out like I did! It's scary when you read 'psychosis' and 'hallucinations' and 'hospitalisations', but my pdoc took the news of my hallucinations and delusions really calmly and there was absolutely no mention of the dreaded H. They can add an antipsychotic to antidepressant treatment which should help.

Regarding your T, I would definitely tell him to pull his finger out cos you cant keep waiting like this! If he says he's going to do something, then he has to follow through. That majorly screws with my trust issues when that happens, and I had to say to them either do it, or dont offer to do it. I just cant cope with the waiting.

to you. I hope your T comes through for you, but if not, you need to talk to your Dr and Pdoc asap about this. Take care,

*Willow*

Thank you all...Willow, dps, oneday...
T finally called my pcp and they want to recheck my thyroid levels asap. Last year, it was overactive, but I was still depressed.
I did tell T all that I was experiencing. He seemed to hear me. We've always had a good relationship for many years. Maybe it's my attitude that's gone sour. We were going to meet again tomorrow but a storm is coming. T was concerned but the way I feel, it just doesn't matter. If nothing has helped after all this time....or helped a little then stopped...
T did say we should also look at bipolar2. I don't care abou the dx, I just want some relief.

Thank you all for caring. It helps.

Calista,
Hang in there, I can't offer much advice but know that I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

I hope you are able to still go to T. in spite of the big snow storm coming.

T had to cancel because of the snow. I can call him if I need to though.
This is so strange to me...the emotions since the surgery have been a roller coaster ride. T said I was showing signs of rapid cycling bipolar2, psychotic depression along with the "regular" issue. If hormones can do all this, why the hell can't somebody figure out how to treat it?

If they could, they'd be pretty rich!!

I'm sorry you couldn't go to T, but I'm very glad T is finally taking notice of how serious your situation is. I hope now T & Pdoc can work something out to help you through this.

Take care,

*Willow*