[Inky]

Work was actually okay. The new guy hasn't decided to cop an attitude yet.

It was mellow.

When I got home, the fun started. My sister looks pretty pale and tired. It's because of my parents. They were okay until about an hour ago, and then dad started slamming things around again, even though the baby was asleep.

My sister got all sick and nervous and went to bed. I'm still awake and it's midnight.

All I ate today was half a bowl of oatmeal and a granola bar, and they wonder why I'm nearing ninety-nine pounds.

I joked about it at work, saying that if I lost another two I could be invisible, and they wouldn't know if I was at work or not.

I'm sure they've noticed that when I go on lunch, I smoke a cigarette and then sit in a chair with my iPod on instead of eating. It might be nice to have enough money to bring a lunch, but I don't.

They've stopped asking me if they can bring me something back when they go.

I can see my ribs in the front and back.

Hey, how many supermodels can say that?

The new top I bought at the thrift store when I got my daughter's new clothes (taken from the money he accidentally left in the bank that still isn't being turned into child support) hangs off my body like a sheet, even though it's a very small size. I thought I'd have to lose weight to fit into it, because I'm still in the pregnancy-weight mindframe even though I've lost all the weight and more.

Part of it is that when there is a little food around, I feel guilty for eating because my family doesn't do that particular activity often.

Another part is that when there's food, they make me feel sick before dinner by letting me know how much they hate each other and can't wait to get divorced (or just by slamming things around).

Most of it is money. Never enough money.

I'm sure people at work think I have an eating disorder, or something. People in the Army did, and back then I actually looked like a human being.

I really liked that top, but now it makes me a little sick to see myself in it.

I should just go to bed. I have work again tomorrow, like every day. Another day of pretending to be in a good mood in an environment where I'm afraid to open my mouth because someone will cut me down.

Where I'm afraid to do my job because the rules aren't always clear and I'm the only one who gets in trouble for making a judgment call.

I'm so, so tired.

[Mike_J]

I have thought about your post all day, trying to come up with something inspiring to say.

I have come up blank, I really feel I have let you down, I know that isn't rational, but hey I never claimed to be wholly rational.

I just hope you take care of yourself, in order to take care of others you need to take care of yourself first.

I know this doesn't help much, but there are people in the world who do care about others

[Elana05]

Hi Inky,
Things sound really tough right now. I hope tomorrow is a bit brighter. Please try and take care of yourself. Did you ever try seeking out someone to talk to, like a councilor? Sometimes you can find someone good just by asking in an office at a hospital or med stop. I found talking to a councilor very helpful when I was at my worst. So much better than talking to family - kind of like having someone who is on your side and you don't have to put up pretenses with. Eating is super hard when life is making you sick and angry, I know that. Please try to eat a bit thoughm to keep up your energy. I found those nutrition drinks to help - or even just milk. My thoughts are with you.

You are in my thoughts, Inky.

[BashfullOne]

Hi Inky - I've been thinking about you a lot. I wish I could do something to make things better for you. Have you been to the V.A.? I'm sure they can help you. They may be able to find you a place to live with your daughter and provide child care. I'm sure state aid would help you out too. You do have to take care of yourself first before you can take care others. I'm so worried about you. I just wish I could help you.... Please keep posting.