[No_longer_sane]

Sorry to be hogging the forums, But I was just wondering if this is normal.
Whenever I start thinking, If I ever start thinking bad about someone, no matter how small, or how unfair things are or how bad I have it, then I punish myself, by forcing myself to think of bad stuff, gory things, torturing myself with images of the people I care about rejecting me, or even worse, injured or dying because of me, or people I fancy giving me weird looks, or picturing the bad outcomes of everything I do, or the nonexistent future I have, or Ill stop myself from sleeping until two o clock am, or three o clock am, and then Ill punish myself when I feel tired, and it goes on. thats normal isnt it? is that the right thing to do to myself to make sure things dont get worse? x

[leacon]

From what I read, what you are doing is a form of SI which leaves no physical injury. Everyone makes mistakes and or when angry thinks badly about someone. Actually it is more healthy to focus that anger outside of yourself than to punish yourself with horrific daydreams. Maybe you could try either writing out your anger or drawing a picture. I have similar problems but with actually hurting myself. Either SI or horrific daydreams hurts you emotionally. You need to learn to forgive yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((No_longer_sane))))

Thank you for posting and sharing. I am sure that was hard for you to put down but I am glad you did. I have to admit that many times I will do self-punishment because it is what I feel I deserve or it is what I know. If I can beat it to the punch before something happens then it is my fault and it is what I expected so it somehow does not hurt so bad. Many times I do this without even realizing it because it is almost second nature to me.

With that being said, I know somewhere inside that it is not really right and that I am sabatoging my own self and I am reinforcing that which I have always known. But just because I have always known this does not make it right. So many times I find that I do not even have to think about it because feeling like the worst should always happen and feeling like I am not worthy of good seem second nature.

I am trying hard to work on this and have become better with time. But what you feel is something that many times others feel that have no self esteem or little self esteem. It does not make you a bad person, but what we do is not good. We deserve to turn things around and not continue with hurtful ways. I know this is not easy though and I would never make it feel that way.

There are many things we can do to hurt and self punish, and some may not seem bad but when we keep doing it over time we keep ourselves in that twister that goes around and around. And I know for me when I get there it is hard to see any other way. I hope you will talk to someone about this and try to do something else.

It starts with accepting and little steps. Just know that I do undertand and I am sorry you go through this. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Thak you again for posting.

dps

[shezbut]

My impression is that you're imagining suffering tortuous conditions, to imagine how those you care about might react. Perhaps hopeful that they'll be amazed and horrified by the pain you went through...feeling unloved. Then, you kick yourself for thinking such thoughts ~ you're a horrible, evil person who deserves a life of misery.

If this is correct, I'd recommend working towards accepting the person that you are. You don't deserve a life of misery. You deserve some happiness and satisfaction, like every other human being. It takes time ~ and work.

[No_longer_sane]

Yeah, Like If I think about telling someone, then I do it, because me thinking stuff like that is bad stupid and wrong. Except I would say I deserve to die but that would be a release; so a life of misery seems like the answer. xxx

thats normal isnt it? is that the right thing to do to myself to make sure things dont get worse? x

No, No_longer_sane, what you describe is not normal. This is lengthy article that may trigger: http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/en/pain/mi.../culture4.html

Please note the part about Deliberate self-harm as a form of self-punishment.

You are a valuable and important person, No-longer-sane. You are NOT the evil, bad person you think you are. I hope you find a way to believe you are deserving of a better life. You need help. Please get professional help.

[turquoisesea]

Your post reminded me of a novel I had to read for class, by Dostoyevsky. It's called notes from underground, and although the true purpose of the novel is a political statement I think some of it applies to you.

the man is convinced that by thinking he can change things, that he must suffer his horrible thoughts in silence. He is horribly concious of himself, and looks at every act he makes with judgement, to the point that he can't even relate with his peers. Throughout the novel, these traits become more and pronounced, and the more he acts this way the less happy he becomes!

It's ok to feel remorse for something you did.
But thoughts are thoughts, actions are actions.
Thinking not so nice things is a part of being human too. We have this idea of angels, perfection... can we ever be perfect ? No! We have jealousy, anger and hatred for good reasons - survival instincts among other things. We mistrust because frankly some people aren't trustworthy. Feeling these things, or thinking thoughts that relate to them is not BAD. It's how you react to it that defines you.

You don't need to punish yourself for a thought, maybe instead you should rephrase it into a positive to teach yourself to think in a way you are more comfortable?

You don't deserve punishment, try to be nice to yourself

[thine_self_untrue]

No_longer_sane,
What you decribe is hurting you. You are hurting yourself with this.
All my life I have punished myself. To make up for the wrong things I did, to try and make myself better, to 'strengthen' myself. It didn't work. It didn't work. It has made me hate myself, made me feel even weaker and crushed me.
You are hurting in so many way, No_longer_sane. Please, don't let it go any further. Let it end here. If you punish yourself with a life of misery, you will have robbed the world of a unique, irreplaceable and valuable person. There will never be another YOU.
Please talk to someone. Please get help.

[No_longer_sane]

But I do have to do it don't I?I wanna stop but it's the right thing to do, isn't it? x

No_longer_sane, please understand and believe you do NOT have to punish yourself. It is NOT the right thing to do. You can stop. Please stop.

I truly hope you are able to get professional help. In the meantime, please understand you are a valuable, lovable and important person. Please stop punishing yourself.

[Rohag]

G'day, No_longer_sane!

I have strong intropunitive urges, which are largely held in check by my medications and - ironically - depressive apathy. Sometimes I feel guilty and deserving of punishment or worse just for being alive.

Perhaps it might be useful to lay aside the idea of "normal" temporarily. I conclude these exaggerated feelings of guilt and urges to self-punishment are at very least ineffective ways of dealing with my reality; they neither make life better for me nor for those few around me. My decision is to counter these urges as best I can, using the tools I have.

By the way, far from thinking you are "hogging" the forums, I appreciate your airing what troubles you. You are probably posting for who knows how many others. You're doing them, and us, a service.

[No_longer_sane]

I'm sorry for this thread by the way, you must think Im stupid and pathetic and weak and Im sorry, I promise Ill try not to be as weak, I can't even deal with self punishment, I mean it's been harder to think that stuff to myself recently, but it's just hard to think I don't deserve it, stupid as it sounds. Sorry. X

[leacon]

You need not feel badly about this thread. What you are describing is a symptom of depression many of us who are depressed feel. This is one of the better threads I have seen for a while. Many of us know the correct actions having gone through therapy, but many of us can not apply these actions. We all need to keep on trying. I hope you can learn to respect yourself and feel proud of the courage you had to begin this thread.

I'm sorry for this thread by the way, you must think Im stupid and pathetic and weak and Im sorry, I promise Ill try not to be as weak, I can't even deal with self punishment, I mean it's been harder to think that stuff to myself recently, but it's just hard to think I don't deserve it, stupid as it sounds. Sorry. X

No_longer_sane, you are smart, strong and deserving of love and respect. Please get professional help. You truly are worthy of a better life.

[No_longer_sane]

Thanks, it's just... It's been more hard recently and I didn't think that was possible and I cried for the first time in ages this morning and Im really really really scared!

[thine_self_untrue]

I was talking to someone about how miserable I was (blah, blah, blah ) and I said "I just want to wake up one day and be normal." I don't wanna do ANYTHING about it, it just has to magically happen. (For the record, I am a very mature person...)
And that person in told me "That's the point of getting help. So that someday, you can."
Your fear is just another thing trying to swallow you up. Please, please, please get help so that you can wake up one day and NOT FEEL LIKE THIS.
(((((((No_longer_sane))))))))

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((No_longer_sane))))

Just wanted to check in to let you know that you are being thought of. I hope you will continue to reach out here and let out those feelings you are feeling. But I do have a question. You say you want to be "normal". What is "normal"? I have said this so many times and asked the same question.

"Normal" is all of us. We all make up what normal is. There is no specific thing that makes up normal. For it takes each one of us to bring to this world who we are. If everyone was the same, what kind of a world would this be? We would not have anything to really talk about for everyone would already have the answers which would seem to me to be the same as the person before.

We would not need one another nor would we get the chance to encourage or support one another and that is what makes us keep going so many times. To be able to reach out and connect on many different levels but to also grow in areas that we may not really know anything about.

I have so many times said I just want to be normal. And to be honest I have said it many times recently. But I look out and I wonder just who these normal people are that I want to be like. From what I can tell there is no one that I can see that has it so together that I would want to be like. For those that think they are normal struggle at times just as we do, just in a different form.

For those of us who have been hurt and are trying to work our way back, we can offer to others something that some can not offer. We can offer a compassion to others who are where we were or are and we can feel things they are going through and listen where those that have not been where we are cannot truly understand as someone who has been there.

With that said, I am not saying those that have not been where we are do not help us but I am just trying to tell you that you are you. And what you are feeling is okay. There are reasons why we feel what we feel and it is okay. I know that I have those that really help me that have not gone through what I have but they have been at some place where I am in some form and they are those I would rather talk to than someone who has no issues. (are there really any of those).

I am sorry you are hurting so much but I am glad that you have reached out here and that you are talking. We do care and are here for you. I hope you will get to a place that you will reach out for help with someone. But I am so glad that right now you are reaching. That shows me that you do care somewhere and that is so wonderful.

Please know that we are here for you and we are listening and hearing you. Thank you for trusting us and opening up. It is so important. Please keep posting and reaching. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

No_longer_sane. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time now. I too am glad you were able to cry. Crying often is a release of pent up stress. I hope you were abe to sigh too.

darkpurplesecrets is a warrior. You are too. dps speaks with the knowledge gained from many battles. Heed her words. Help yourself. You are such a valuable and important person I hope you find a way to overcome the fear that is holding you back.

Be well.