[feddy]

It seems like when I am alone I struggle the most. Not a huge surprise, this is the time when my mind is able to run free. I try to read or watch tv to keep myself occupied, but find that I get bored. How much brain candy can I actually take? I decided to take time off of work to work on my recovery but I am spending more time than ever crying.

Yesterday was a good day, mostly. The morning was tough. Had a meltdown with hubby over nothing - wound up in tears in his lap. Although he knows that I have these melt downs almost daily, I am pretty good about having them in private. I try really hard not to do that in front of him. I hate when he sees me like that. I get weak and say things I don't mean. So I melt down alone and tell him about it (sometimes) in conversation. During my meltdown yesterday, I told him that I thought it would be better if I moved out - he would be better alone and I could move back in when I was healthy again?!? I don't mean that!!! He knows that.

When the melt down ended, we decided to get out of the house and went to play pool for a few hours and had a bite to eat. We had a great date and a ton of fun (and I kicked his butt.) The day got better.

Now today I am alone and I woke up in a state of full anxiety because I had to chat with my boss to transition off the last of my work as I move fully into disability. There was absolutely nothing to stress about, the conversation took 20 minutes, but I woke up with a list of reasons in my head why it was going to go wrong, why I would get fired when I finally went back to work, blah, blah, blah. Signs of a sick girl. And of course, I started to cry. Had breakfast, watched crappy tv, talked to boss, conversation went fine, she was supportive, I cried, now I'm pouring my heart out online.

I have session #2 today with my new pdoc. On my new meds, day 2, way too soon to know if they're going to help. Oh yeah - pdoc called because he had a cancelation and could get me in today to see me again - our last appt was Saturday. This is a REALLY good thing for me. But...here was my initial reaction. "He must think I'm really messed up...he just saw me 2 days ago so if he's putting me at the top of the list and calling me so quickly to get me in again, then I must be more messed up than I thought...oh my g-d, what's wrong with me???" Versus the truth, which is simply that I have found a GOOD pdoc, who recognizes that I need some intense support right now and is trying to help me!!!

HELP ME!!! I keep saying this but I want my life back. I want these feelings to go away. I look at my wedding photos from just over a year ago and I see this happy, happy woman and I don't recognize her anymore. I don't know who she is and where she went (I am crying again.) I remember what I felt like then. I was carefree. I was outgoing. I was optimistic and I looked forward to what tomorrow would bring. I don't know exactly when it all got so bad but I remember what it used to be like and I don't want this...I want my old life back. I want to laugh and joke and have fun with my husband again. I want to get dressed up on a Saturday night and really look forward to going out and not have to drag myself because I feel guilty because I've kept me and hubby in for the past few weekends.

This is what happens to me when I'm alone and my brain gets going. Oh how I hope that one day it is right again...I have been here before, I have become healthy and made it to the other side of depression so I know that it will happen but I need to find my strength to get through the now. But sometimes it is just so damn hard.

[lynn09]

Hi (((((feddy))))). I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it lately. It's good that you had the conversation with your boss, now you can set work concerns aside and focus on your recovery. I have had depression pretty much my entire life, and there is one thing I learned decades ago that I would like to suggest - try your best not to be depressed about being depressed. All that does is flood your system with more stress hormones and make your depression even more intense.

You say you've been through this before and gotten to the other side - hold on to that - you know it's a process and it sounds like you do have a really good pdoc to help you get there again. I know you want those feelings to go away, you don't want to be like you are now, and you want to be like you were when you got married, etc. And I know that it is embarrassing to appear so weak and out of control - but there is no more shame in having a severe depressive episode than having a bad bout of the flu. This is NOT your fault - you need medication, support, and time to recover - the very same things you would need if you had the flu or some other illness.

Although you want these feelings to just go away, the fact is that this is where you are right now and this is what you have to deal with. Comparing your present situation with better times is only going to make things worse right now. Try to think of those better times as reason to hope and trust that in time you will be there again, instead of berating yourself for being where you are now. I know that if your husband or another family member or a friend was going through what you are right now, you would be there saying to them everything that I am saying to you now. Don't pressure yourself to find the strength to get through this - that strength is going to come from you taking extra gentle care of yourself - good rest and sleep, exercise, nutrition - do whatever it takes NOT to try to appear "normal" to everyone, but whatever it takes to appropriately treat your depression and to help you feel better while you recover. Please let me and others here know whenever you need our support, and feel free to PM me if you feel that I can be of any help to you.lynn09

[feddy]

I never thought about it the way you put it - being depressed about being depressed, but I guess that's kind of what I'm doing. That's really good food for thought and I will definitely keep that in mind, thank you so much Lynn. You are right and you are telling me all of the same things that I would say to someone else in my situation...get rest, nutrition, excercise and do the things my body and mind need to get better.

I just read your other post and while it was heart breaking, the end of it made me smile, where you told yourself to go look at your responses to others and take your own advice. You know, I should probably take a dose of my own advice as well. I know just what to say to everyone else but when it comes to my own wellbeing, I just put the blinders on (don't we all?) I guess that's why we come to a place like this, so others can help us see what we can't.

But I want you to know that your words about being depressed about being depressed were extremely powerful and really hit home for me. I will be thinking about that for a while and will put that to good use the next time the meltdown starts.

Thanks for reaching out to me. After reading your post, it sounds like you've been through your own struggles. I want to let you know that you can also reach out to me for support if you need it too.

Feddy

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by feddy

I never thought about it the way you put it - being depressed about being depressed, but I guess that's kind of what I'm doing. That's really good food for thought and I will definitely keep that in mind, thank you so much Lynn. You are right and you are telling me all of the same things that I would say to someone else in my situation...get rest, nutrition, excercise and do the things my body and mind need to get better.

I just read your other post and while it was heart breaking, the end of it made me smile, where you told yourself to go look at your responses to others and take your own advice. You know, I should probably take a dose of my own advice as well. I know just what to say to everyone else but when it comes to my own wellbeing, I just put the blinders on (don't we all?) I guess that's why we come to a place like this, so others can help us see what we can't.

But I want you to know that your words about being depressed about being depressed were extremely powerful and really hit home for me. I will be thinking about that for a while and will put that to good use the next time the meltdown starts.

Thanks for reaching out to me. After reading your post, it sounds like you've been through your own struggles. I want to let you know that you can also reach out to me for support if you need it too.

Feddy

Thanks, feddy - you helped me be able to at least chuckle at myself - that always helps. You're right - it's always so much easier to say to someone else what we should be saying to ourselves. I really should try to take my own advice more often. Thanks for the support.lynn09

feddy, copy your posts for your therapist to see.

[1flagwriter]

feddy,

How are you feeling today (Wednesday)?

[Richy]

Hope you are feeling a little better

[feddy]

Better. Today I feel calm. First time in a while. The sun is shining, that always helps. I have gone out and brought home a bunch of stuff to bake with (I LOVE to bake) and going to keep myself busy for a while.

No tears today - can't recall the last time that happened. Here's to hoping for a full 24 hour stretch without tears. Baby steps.