I joined this forum because I just need to know that there are people out there who can relate to my position, and forgive me for the length of the post. I just want to get it all out.

I'm a college student, and depression has ruined my life. I was diagnosed with depression 8 years ago, and at no point have I felt I have escaped it. When I was younger I cut myself frequently until I had a therapist at age 12 or 13. Through talk therapy and trying two separate medications (Prozac, which gave me suicidal thoughts, and Zoloft, which helped a bit), I was able to stop hurting myself except for rare occasions. As I eased up on the cutting, however, I began making myself throw up. I had poor self image and found a great deal of comfort in food. I gained a bunch of weight, eventually stopped seeing my therapist because I felt I was no longer getting anything out of it.

During all this my sister was a severe alcoholic and drove my mother into a dark depression, and my father to grow distant from our family. Drama abounded, and she attempted suicide on two separate occasions. I remember finding her in her closet, close to death. I came to hate her, and still do. She is an overgrown child who won't admit to her addiction, draining my parents still for all they have.

My depression went through cycles of deep valleys and times where I felt almost normal. When I left for college, it took a deep dive and I felt joyless almost every day. Shortly after being at school, I was raped by an acquaintance and over the next few months developed severe anxiety and dropped 40 pounds because I couldn't make myself eat. Saw an on-campus therapist who truly didn't seem capable of dealing with problems unrelated to academic stress or relationship issues.

Got a boyfriend who is consistently supportive of me and bends over backwards trying to keep me from being consumed by my depression. Without him, I would likely have given up and attempted suicide.

I currently see a psychiatrist who, while qualified, doesn't seem to be helping at all except for adjusting medications. I am currently on the highest dosage of Zoloft and a low dose of Seroquel for the anxiety.

Nothing seems to be helping. I think of suicide every single day. My whole life seems useless, and I have lost all hope in a future free of misery. I am always tired, listless, and unmotivated. My classes are going poorly, and it only makes me feel like more of a failure.

I've tried exercising regularly, eating better, getting more sleep, seeing friends more often, engaging in hobbies (in addition to my medications and talk therapy) and nothing helps. Even the meds don't seem to put a dent in it anymore. I am always always always sad or angry or numb.

Just tell me someone can relate to part of my story and, if possible, let me know if anything helped to improve your situation.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Applexmonster!

Applexmonster: depression has ruined my life
Rohag: depression strangled and ruined my career; it has greatly altered my life

Applexmonster: at no point have I felt I have escaped it [depression]
Rohag: at no point have I felt I have escaped it [depression]

Applexmonster: When I was younger I cut myself frequently
Rohag: I have never cut, but I have beaten and lightly injured myself during the course of what I call "episodes."

Applexmonster: ...sister...mother...father...
Rohag: I speculate my upbringing in a neurotic / dysfunctional home may have contributed to the intractability of my depression; I don't know.

Applexmonster: Got a boyfriend who is consistently supportive of me
Rohag: got a spouse and a mutant shepherd who are consistently supportive of me

Applexmonster: I currently see a psychiatrist who, while qualified, doesn't seem to be helping at all except for adjusting medications.
Rohag: I have a great, caring psychiatrist, who, apart from adjusting medications, probably keeps from from getting worse far more than helps me improve.

Applexmonster: Nothing seems to be helping.
Rohag: Nothing seems to be helping me improve; my drug cocktail and avoidance of stressful environments seem to keep me stable and limit "episodes" and dangerous situations.

Applexmonster: I am always always always sad or angry or numb. I think of suicide every single day.
Rohag: I am rarely sad, usually empty/numb, usually unfocused, have severe problems mobilizing and sustaining motivation, and rarely experience short but intense outbursts of mixed terror and rage. I am prone to suicidal ideation without intent.

Hello, applexmonster. It seems rather apparent the treatment you are receiving is inadequate. Copy your post and show it to your psychiatrist. Therapy seems to be a necessity. An adjustment or change in meds is worth looking into.

Thinking of suicide everyday is no way to live. Speak out for a better life. Good luck.

Rohag: We certainly sound similar in this case! I hope things will improve for both of us, and thank you for responding. It does help.

[Elana05]

I just wanted to mention this place has really helped someone I know (who wasn't helped well by other means) http://www.austenriggs.org
There is also ect and the new but promising tms therapy. Please keep searching. You deserve to feel better.

[yutzman]

I've been dealing with unrelenting depression for about 20+ years now and trying to keep my thoughts within the realm of sanity is a constant struggle every day. It seems I've been on every med known to man for it too. I'm currently on Lamictal for bipolar symptoms which my Psych told me are a major issue. I tried Seroquel which I didn't like at all (zombie state) with no relief, most of the SSRI's also with little (at least to me) effect.........Talk therapy and the Lamictal (plus Buspar for anxiety) has been the best course for me so far......I feel pretty much like a human these days but from experience know this can change like the weather.........So know your not alone with your feelings.....just keep those positives going.......and keep posting....you have support here...Good Luck...Y