No title.

This may be lengthy, but I feel as if it needs to be typed. I have been writing in 'Microsoft Word' for far too long and I would like to get a response for once.

I'm not too sure where to begin exactly or how to organize it so that when its read it won't be confusing... I used to live in a big city, but my parents had forced me to move with them to a more "rural" area because of my medical condition (it isn't anything that immobilizes me I only have seizures, something that can and is [for the most part] controlled with medication). I was going to college right when we moved and wanted to dorm but they were completely against the idea. I was immature and wanted to prove them wrong, make them see that I can make it on my own - So I ran away. This was the first most biggest radical thing I've ever done in my entire life. I've never "acted out" so to speak or done anything to jeopardize myself or another person.

My mother threatened to fly up there, search for me and kill me (then kill herself so she wouldn't have to go to jail, her exact words) while my father was prepared to forget that he ever had me. A week later I was scared and convinced that I was better off home.

Now its two years later (I'm 20) and they still treat me as if I'm unworthy of their trust. I haven't made a friend on campus within the two 1/2 years that I've been in college because right after my classes, my father comes to pick me up. I cannot drive myself because of my seizures, so I rely on my mother, father, or sister to drive me everywhere. Back when I lived in the city, I felt more independent because I at least had the opportunity to take the train or bus, over here I go out when they want to go out, and I only get to go out with them.

My mother also thinks very ill of me in terms of my "love affairs" to put it lightly. She thinks the reason I left had been because of a man and not because of college, not because I wanted to dorm. She drinks excessively. She has been drinking more after we moved. She even jokes about it, saying "how good her memory is (when it isn't good at all) and she's the drunk." It's made her mood very unstable. As for my father, he's a hot head. He gets angry for every little thing one moment, and then the other he's being silly, like a child. I had thought my sister was cool and fun, but a couple months ago that changed, she told me that she had slept with my fourteen year old cousin. She was twenty four at the time. I lost all respect for her. I couldn't even tell her off because then she would have made it seem like I had the problem, like she always manages to do in situations like that.

I know I wrote a lot, but thanks to anyone who at least reads this.

cruensludus ,

Welcome to PC! You will find helpful people and support here.

Are you seeing a therapist or counselor? I also wondered why your parents felt that it would be beneficial for your medical condition to be out of the city? Is it possible for you to share an apartment (part time job, student loans, etc) and live on your own?

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Hello & Welcome, Cruensludus!

You may think you've written a lot, but I get the impression you could write a whole lot more. You are, of course, welcome to do so.

Your parents' attitudes sadden me. Even with a seizure disorder, you are - you will move toward independence. Their failure to accept that is just going to make it harder for everyone. (I know, I'm the master of the obvious.)

Looking forward to your future posts...

Hello, cruensludus. Are you by law now considered an adult? If so, at least theoretically, you do not have to listen to the dictates of your parents. Money I assume is a problem. There may be student loans you are eligible for. You could live in a dorm with a board contract.

You are not entirely subject to the whims and caprice of your parents. You may have to accelerate the growing process.

Good luck.

cruensludus,

I agree with TheByzantine...maybe it's time to cut the strings...

Hello cruensludus,

There is some dependent and co-dependent issues here. Good job on communicating. This may be tough to get a perspective because your primary models, father and mother, seem to have issues. Please see if you college has counciling if you are still enrolled, if not I would seek out a councilor in the community. I think you will find that going it alone will give you strength and then you will make friends and not be alone. I recommend getting some guidance, you are worth it!

How are you doing, cruensludus?

Wow! You have a lot going on, and I can really understand how, taken together, all of these issues are causing your depression. For one thing, the seizure disorder takes away a lot of your independence, and living with your family is not healthy for you. Living with an alcoholic parent life can be intolerable, and the isolation you're experiencing is very unhealthy. I think it would be great idea to find some way of getting out of the house and going to places you'd like to visit. Personally, I've found the 12-Step program of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) very helpful in dealing with my childhood issues; if you look in the phone book and find their number, they can arrange for someone to pick you up and take you to a meeting. You'll meet people there who are experiencing the same problems and can provide you with friendship, understanding, and tools with which you can solve some of the psychological problems that are present in your life and keeping you feeling hopeless and powerless.

It's really difficult to change these situations, and I wish I could think of other actions you might take. It sounds as though living alone is not a great idea, given the seizure disorder, so perhaps you might look to find a roommate situation on or near campus. I'm not saying living in a dorm. The important thing is to get out of that horrible living situation and gain some independence. Will the parents be upset? You betcha! But whose life is this anyway? They may cut you out of their lives, but if they love you that won't last long. It's going to take a lot of courage on your part to improve your life, but I know you can do it, one little step at a time, not all at once.

Also, would your dad understand if a friend took you home from school rather than him coming to get you? That way you might make some friends. Do you have a study partner for your most difficult class? Perhaps finding one would give you a social contact to spend time with rather than isolating at home. Make a list of all the possibilities you might try to change your life. Believe me, you can do this!! You're young, your life is ahead of you, and although you feel helpless now just making one decision and following through will help you feel your own strength and courage. Know that inside you is a beautiful person who deserves a better life.

Good luck and let us know how things are going, OK?
Best,
Ellen