[englishteacher]

I've been going through a rough patch lately. I'm feeling better, BUT as I feel better, I start to re-evaluate my life and I don't know what to do. I have trouble making decisions whether I'm really depressed or not. I don't really trust myself, so .... Here are the issues:

1) husband: He drinks daily. He only gets drunk when we go out, but he has to have a beer or two every day. One effect of this is that it costs $3 or more a day, which adds up, although it is cheaper than the $12 a day smoking habit we share. Since I share that more expensive addiction, it's harder to complain about his drinking. We've both tried to quit smoking, but I can't seem to do it and he says he can't quit if I keep smoking. Personally, I think that's a cop-out where he gets to blame me for his choices. We have always been very co-dependent.

2) kids: I realize that it was my choice to have kids, but sometimes I'm just so sick of taking care of them. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. We live far from family, so there are no little breaks when someone else is caring for them. Older sister can babysit for a night out, but I'm talking about a real break - a few days where we can just be ourselves - not mom and dad.

My daughter is turning 18 this month, but she has no plans for the future and doesn't know what she wants to do. She has several opportunites - she could go live with her grandparents and go to a local community college there. They would provide for her a lot better than we can. She also has an aunt and uncle who can and would do the same thing for her in a different part of the state. She's interested in joining the military, but only if she has enough college to go in and become an officer pretty quickly. She can stay with us and go to community college here, but she'll have to work more and go to school more slowly. We just don't have the money to send her to school and she hasn't done the financial aid paperwork to help herself. She's already missed all the scholarship deadlines. It's like she is waiting for us to do it for her. I'm frustrated and irritated with her lack of motivation to take care of herself.

I'm frustrated and irritated by in-laws that have been telling her and us for the last 10 years that her college was covered, but now they aren't so sure what they can afford to do. I can understand that, but it is a part of pattern with them. They offer help, but it's always attached to many strings OR they change their minds at the last minute.

My husband just wants her to get out and start her own life. I'm a little more ambivilant about it. He says that she is/will be soon a legal adult. I say that we haven't actually prepared her to live on her own. She doesn't have a drivers license and the only job she's ever had was with her grandparents. We wanted to protect her and keep her safe. We didn't want her to work as hard as we did in high school, but in hind sight, I wonder if we did her a disservice by overprotecting her. Of course, it's a little late to change that.

My son is a totally different matter - he's 10. He's a sweet, loving, creative, brilliant child. He's also argumentative, selfish (or unaware, I know not which one), and a problem. He gets in trouble at school. He says he doesn't know why. The teacher says it's for talking and not following directions. He's very stubborn. He talks back. He won't let things go. Tell him no and he'll find a million reasons we should change our minds. Telling him that we won't discuss it further just frustrates him. He'll retreat for 5-10 minutes, but he's back quickly and seems to have forgotten that we said no more discussion of this topic. Most of the time, I am frustrated and irritated with him. I'm sure that it's my fault he's this way, but I'm at a loss as to how to fix it.

So, my husband frequently (when things are bad) that I should leave him and the kids and start over. Soooooo tempting. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that I wonder if I can ever really be well with them. Hubby and I feed each other's bad choices and unhealthy behaviors. Plus, what a relief to only have to take care of myself. I wonder how long it would be before I got lonely and scared and either totally isolated myself or ran back home?

Stress for the last few years has often been combatted with a trip to strip clubs - let's just get drunk and wild and forget about life's problems. Until very recently, I was on board with that concept and it seemed to work pretty well. I know - not healthy, but it was working. Now, however, I'm disgusted with that coping mechanism, the drinking and the clubs. I'm jealous of the girls, which I've never been before, but can be explained because he wants to go so badly and I do not. It really just causes more problems because we will go out and blow $200 in a night. Plus, when we are broke, there is no money, so no stress relief.

So, it seems that I am becoming more rational. Still, the problem - do I stay or do I go? I'd feel so guilty if I left my kids, but at the same time, my in-laws would surely step in and bridge the gap that I left behind, at least I think they will. It might actually be better for the kids. With kids, it's always a problem - I have difficulty taking care of myself lately, so I'm surely not doing a very good job taking care of others. If I left though, my income is so low that I would be eligible for the help I need. If I could finally heal myself, maybe I could be a better mother to my kids as well. Wow, it's hard to share that I'm a crappy parent. It makes me feel very ashamed.

So where do I draw the line? When do I say enough? When is it more important for me to be healthy than for me to take care of my responsibilities to my kids and my husband?

Sorry this is so long...there's so much more, but I'd have to write a book.

[lynn P.]

(((englishteacher))) I hear that you're very overwhelmed and searching for answers and solutions - but it's difficult to problem solve effectively when you're in the midst of a crisis. The best advice I can give you is 'never make important decisions when you're upset'. I understand you're tempted to leave to get relief but please hold off on that decision. Your 10 yr old needs you even though you think relatives could manage him - this would impact him greatly if you were to leave. I also recommend cutting out alcohol completely. Both my brothers mental illness symptoms got terribly worse when they drank. Do your best to take care of yourself before you make any important decisions. I hope you feel better.

[englishteacher]

thanks Lynn. I'm not drinking. The thought of drinking disgusts me - now. Hubby is drinking - self-medicating he says. I know it isn't wise to make decisions when I'm in crisis, but the crisis is past, I think. Still, I guess that's why I posted. I feel pretty stable right now, but I realize that just a few days ago, I was in really bad shape. I won't make any decisions until I've been back on meds for a few weeks (yeah, still working on that problem). I guess I'm at a point in life where (through depression or not) I am looking back at choices I've made through out my life. Those choices have led to my current lifestyle and circumstances. I realize the self-blame or blaming others does not help or change anything, but it's hard to look at those choices and not blame myself, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, and life in general for my current circumstances. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to change my choices in the future, so that things can improve instead of getting worse and worse. I'd really like to make those choices as a clear-headed, rational, and responsible adult, but I don't/can't/won't trust myself to be any of those things.

[lynn P.]

Sorry I misunderstand you about the drinking ((englishteacher)). I haven't been diagnosed as having depression but I think I'm mildly depressed due to my awful marriage circumstances the last 3 years. The majority of the time I feel like a single parent raising my children - although my husband does his part financially. There's been many times where I've felt completely over whelmed with out a single person to help me. Both my parents are long deceased and I only have one brother on the other side of the country. No one on my husbands side is capable of helping. I worry sometimes if I were to die unexpectedly, who would take care of my kids? So I'm leading to - at least thank God you still have relatives even if they're not the ideal help.

[englishteacher]

Lynn,

You're right. I am grateful that there is someone else there and it does take the pressure off, in a way. I"m sorry that you are alone. In my marriage, I've often felt like a single parent, usually with hubby as one of the kids, but sometimes because he was working far away. Lately, he's actually been very supportive, responsible and helpful in many ways, so I really kick myself that I would even consider leaving. Of course, that doesn't include his drinking problems - or my guilt that he drinks because I'm so darned difficult to live with lately.

Wow. After reading this, all I can say is wow.

[englishteacher]

wow is a very tricky word - wow, that's awesome! wow, that's terrible. wow, I'm stunned. wow, you are so very selfish that there are no words for it...

I have given up a PhD program that offered my scholarships, housing, a job, etc. because it didn't work for the family. I have left an excellent job that paid well and brought me personal satisfaction because my in-laws wanted my husband to have a business, which failed because none of them would put the work into it and I wasn't involved in the business because it wasn't my business. They started an oil change business right before the price of oil/gas went through the roof, so it wasn't entirely their lack of work.

I guess my point is that I've made decisions for the past 20 years based on what everyone else wanted or needed. That's my fault, going along, not rocking the boat. So, yeah....I would like to know what you mean by wow....

[englishteacher]

Sorry byz....if I took that wrong. I did kind of take it as an attack on me, but maybe I took it wrong. As I said, wow is a tricky word.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by englishteacher

I have given up a PhD program that offered my scholarships, housing, a job, etc. because it didn't work for the family...

Hi englishteacher,
I was raised in such a way that it was very important that I go along with what everyone else wanted. I was taught; you do not argue, you do not express displeasure. I could approach my mom about her drinking but be told that I was the one who was misunderstanding things. Later, when I got into a relationship late in life I had to begin working on understanding my place in this new relationship. The begining was disasterous (what a way to start a new relationship) because I did not talk about my own needs. Everyone has needs. I moved out of my own place to be with this new person, I gave up everything I had and tried to go along with what this new person wanted. I thought this was how it was done. But I'll say a lot was not working for me. I stayed silent (what was there to say?) and had no idea how to communicate (express my needs, as well as listen) and I fell into the worst ever of my depression. I don't know if you can relate -- it's not that I knew I had needs but didn't express them. I just truly did not understand that it could be a give and take this way without leading to ruin. To this day I work on expressing my needs and listening to others as though I am learning a foreign language.
I mention my experience because I felt like I could relate to your giving up your school, job etc. for your relationship, and your family. I think sometimes a dynamic forms where you mostly do things centered around others. But a relationship will end up lopsided this way. The best thing you can do is to begin to listen to that small voice inside of you that is telling you what you need. From my own experience the best way to do it is with a therapist you can relate to. Some may differ with me no doubt, but in my opinion I think it's better if it's a woman. It would be crucial to ask, why did you feel that it was so important that you give up school or work? What would you have said to another woman who was in your position at the time? Would you have told her to give up her scholarship or the job that she enjoyed?

[englishteacher]

Thanks Elana - you hit the nail on the head when you said (I can't figure out the quote thingy).... it's not that I knew I had needs but didn't express them. I just truly did not understand that it could be a give and take this way without leading to ruin. To this day I work on expressing my needs and listening to others as though I am learning a foreign language.
And yes, if it was some other woman, I would have encouraged her to take care of herself and consider her own needs. But I have a lot of difficulty translating that foreign language to myself.

[No_longer_sane]

Your son may have ADHD, they have problems letting things go x

[englishteacher]

nolongersane - he's been tested twice at the insistence of the school. He's close, but he doesn't fit the standard. I'm trying really hard to listen to him, get down on his level when I'm speaking to him, and explain carefully. It is somewhat effective, but sooooo hard to maintain.

I am trying to relate but I cant....

Children do not ask to come into this world and its our job to protect them as much as possible and yes its a sacrifice, and yes its one that never goes away.

We have a friend who's wife left him and the children some of whom was not even his she had them in a previous relationship. Slowly some of them have gone to the mum as they need her simple as that....

I wont and am not having a go at you for your choice its just I really can not understand it just as I cant understand my friends wife's attitude either.

Maybe you can explain more so I will ?

[englishteacher]

It's an Escape, but not death? Wanting to do it and actually doing it are really two different things. Is it a selfish thought? Yes, I know that it is. Would I actually leave my kids for someone else to take care of? Nope. I could never do that, unless I was dead.

Sooooo...I'm sorry that I offended some of you. I appreciate your concern for my children. If you had read really carefully, you might have seen that one of my concerns is what my illness might be doing to them.

I wasnt offended in the least but yes concerned for you children, personally unless you are abusing them then I feel they need you regardless of your illness/condition.

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment or on meds ?

I know that when I am at my lowest I believe and I mean truly believe that everyone including my family would be better off without me. This only happens when I am very very low, so I am assuming that is where you are at the moment and if that is the case I urge you to get in contact with your Dr or at the very least phone a support line.

Trust me your feelings are wrong your family need you very very much. I have been where you are and have come through it to the other side so know this to be true.

[englishteacher]

Thank you for understanding Tishie. I am trying to get help, but that's a whole different thread - or several of them actually. I do not abuse my children physically or verbally. I do worry that they may feel neglected or hurt because of my depression. Sometimes I really, honestly feel that they would be better off without me because I am so sad and they are loving children who feel my sadness.