[feddy]

Mood swings...crazy emotions, can't stop crying. I wrote less than 30 minutes ago to update my last entry and was feeling sad, but okay enough. I just took a shower and somewhere during that time, I was overtaken by such overwhelming saddness and now I can't stop crying.

I am all over the book. Sometimes I feel good, like I did yesterday when I decided to take some time off work. I felt strong and decisive. Then today, I am a basket case. It started with me crying over a full dishwasher that we forgot to turn on. Now I don't even know why I'm crying but I can't stop. I keep reflecting on the last time I went through depression. Back then I turned to drugs and alcohol to get away from these feelings. I became a crazy clubber with a nasty group of friends to try and escape my depression (I just didn't realize it at the time.) Knowledge is power and I won't do that this time - older and wiser. None of that helped me last time anyhow. It just delayed the inevitable.

The problem is that now I don't know what to do. Writing is helping. I am calming down as I type. I know I need to get out of my house but I need to calm down first and get the swelling in my eyes to go down a bit (I am vain, can't help it...I know too many people in my neighborhood.) I can't keep living like this. I am so tired of being in pain. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I am a good person. I just want these cycles to stop. I need to stop crying!

Can anyone help me? What do you do when you get down like this and the crying takes over? How do you make it stop?

[feddy]

I have stopped crying, I am feeling more stable. I have managed to get dressed and put on makeup and pull together the shell of me. I can look in the mirror and recognize myself again. In the meantime, I received a phone call from my boss and was finally forced to have a discussion regarding my leave from work. That's a good thing, now I can also put that to bed. It was tough - more tears were shed. As soon as she asked how I was, I immediately started to cry. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to appear that vulnerable in front of my leader, although I suppose that on a personal note, it probably only validated why I am taking the leave in the first place...

Fow now, I am going to go out and try and salvage some of this beautiful afternoon while the sun is still shining and I feel okay. I am still shaky but hoping that getting out of the house for a while might take my mind off of things.

I would still welcome any advice anyone has to share...what do you do when the tears take over like that? How do you make it stop? What coping strategies do you use? I just want to feel better, I want my life back. I am so tired of living this way.

[NuckingFutz]

Well, you sound great on selfcare...bathing, dressing, hair/makeup. Maybe your meds need to be adjusted? Do you have a T? On the eyes, 15 min with a couple of cucumber slices on your eyes will take down the swelling.

[la doctora]

I have the crying spells too. Most of the time they come after a huge rage that I went into for a silly reason. When I am overcome with sobbing and tears, the only thing that helps me is to think over and over again about the good things in my life and how I don't have anything to complain about. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The other thing that tends to help me is to interact with my animals. Pet them, hug them, whatever. I think about how I am making them nervous with my emotions out on my sleeve. I tell myself I have to calm down for them, so they don't feel my negative energy. I think that helps me more than anything. I guess you also have to be an animal lover for this to work but I hope that you can find a way to see the sunshine in your days again.

[jennaorgana]

hey freddy, its awesome that you can put what you are feeling into words and that you are able to share with us. things will get better, just keep us updated.

tons and tons of hugs from me

[feddy]

Thanks...you are all so right. My meds are definitely not working properly. I've been on them for 5 months and I'm feeling worse, not better. I'm at 20 mg of Lexapro and I know it should be helping by now. When I last fought depression, I was on Prozac and I remember starting to feel better within a few weeks and once I started to improve it just got better and better. That's not the case this time. My dose was increased about 2 months ago to try and help but still no difference. I am starting with a new T tomorrow - I have struggled to find someone I connect with. My last one was a total bust. Fingers crossed, this one comes highly recommended from someone I really trust and I've been on the waiting list for months. Hopefully he can help me with the meds as well. My family doctor doesn't know a lot about this so he can only help me so much.

La doctora, you're totally right about pets...my cat Jack came to me this afternoon in the middle of my breakdown and just snuggled and he was part of what brought me back. You're right, you do need to be an animal lover and I am, and my kitten is wonderful. I will remember to use his love when I need comfort because he is always willing to give it to me.

Thanks for the kind responses and love. Writing is so helpful and knowing that you guys are out there makes me feel better.

Good luck in finding help, feddy.

[feddy]

Perspective...I just found out that my sister is pregnant!!! A bit of happiness in an otherwise difficult world. I'm going to be Auntie Feddy.

[Rohag]

Congratulations to Auntie Feddy and Hooray for Jack!

[FeelingHopeful]

Feddy, I wish I had Great advice for you , im having a tough time so i dont knoiw what to say but i wanted to send you a big big hug and let you know im thinking of you!

[feddy]

Just met with my new pdoc - he's wonderful, everything I hoped he would be. Caring, compassionate, and he really LISTENED to me. The first thing he did after hearing some of my story was assess that my meds were definitely not right (duh.) I am going to wean off the Lexapro and start Cymbalta a.s.a.p. He is confident that this will help with my depression, anxiety as well as some of the nasty side effects I've been experiencing.

I have been searcing for a great T for months and while I have a LONG way to go, this morning's appt makes me feel a bit more optimistic. He specializes in cognitive behavioural therapy which is exactly what I've been looking for and we've agreed that this is the approach we will take with my treatment. I already have homework.

I have hubby home with me today which always helps and we are going to hang out and relax together. I feel a bit better today and can't thank you all enough for your support yesterday during that very tough day. I'm sure my mood will continue to fluctuate today, but hopefully today will be a better day. I am optimistic.

Auntie Feddy has a nice sound to it.