The tears, the hopelessness are unstoppable

I can't stop crying. My depression is getting worse. It's so hard to keep going with no one near me for support or feeling that anyone loves or likes me. I am in a horrible marriage, almost 29 years. I married at 15, my first child at 14 (I have 4 now). I definately lost who I was (or who I could have been)or who I am all these years. Among many things and many ways of emotional abuse my husband started an online game of putting my photo on a site and wanted me to meet someone and bring someone home. This went on for a couple of years, him asking me to do this. I never did it , it made me sick that he would even ask this of me, but I did realize that he didn't really love me and it was slowly killing me knowing this. I always stayed for the kids and because I was and still very dependent on him. Three of my children are grown and on their own now. I have a 13 yr old at home who struggles with mental illness and has been through so much since 3rd grade. Bi-polar tendencies w/ADD but still no final diagnosis. We have each other and I have to put her first and try hard not to let her see what all im going through but sometimes there is no hiding it.
I never got my drivers license, its a major phobia for me. Years of off and on counseling, never enough counseling tme to get the help I needed. Now it's not affordable or even have a way to get there. I can't even see myself ever driving but I know it's my way to happiness or at least a start, and away from this man I married. This is a huge part of why I feel so hopeless because I can't see the driving ever happening and that means I'm useless and ill never be happy and I will continue to be emotionaly abused, ignored and used, and dependent on him. It comes down to it being my fault because I am not moving forward and I don't feel I can. The fear of driving is so bad, I hate myself for not being able to be "normal" and drive like most people do.
I am sorry this is long I really needed to let this out

Long? I've the impression your post is but the beginning of the preface to the long novel you could write!

You've suffered much for the sake of your children. May the day arrive when you clearly see you didn't suffer in vain.

Please keep posting.

Can't you take your child and board a bus and just leave?

Thank you Rohag ,

It's funny you mentioned writing a novel, this is something I have thought about doing, it may help me get out of this depression a little too.

"just leave" do you mean permanently? Leave everything for him No I wouldn't say thats an option, no where to go, no public transportation. I work from home.... etc

Why do you think it's so important that you drive? If you could drive would that really be all it took to leave your husband and start living the life you want? If it's a matter of just phsyically getting away can't you ring a taxi? A friend or family member?
Not being able to drive doesn't mean you're useless, plenty of people don't drive, you're giving yourself such a hard time about it, it doesn't make you any less of a person than any of the drivers out there. It doesn't make you less capable of anything (other than driving of course :P). Not being able to drive doesn't mean you have to stay somewhere you don't want to be, and be treated a way you don't deserve to be treated.

Car or no car, you can do it if you want it.
*hugs* I'm sorry things are difficult right now for you. I hope things improve.

You have had a tough life, zana0566. I hope you can get professional help to sort out your thought processes that keep you in a situation that causes you such misery.

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/helpless.htm

Hope you are feeling better today, zana0566.

Thank you Lisa Michelle for your thoughts! I do put myself down so much about not driving and many things. My self esteem is so low my depression has never been worse and not being able to do something that most people do makes me feel even more like a "failure" or a loser. For the most part better finances and driving would get me away from him easier. Most of all my self esteem and my state of mind right now are keeping me from moving ahead. I am trying to get better One way is coming here. I want to start studying for my GED soon which I think would help me with my self esteem a little.

Thank you TheByzantine , I wish I could say I am feeling better. I do need professional help and I am looking into state run programs that may help financialy. It is so great to be able to come here though, it does help a lot and I can see it helps many.
I hope all is well with you

Hi,

I think it's important for all of us in this support group to help each other. After reading your post, I felt my problems are small compared to yours. I feel so bad for you, have you tried leaving your husband. You will have to for the sake of you and your children, you have them, and you should be happy. Is there anyway you can save up some money and leave?

zana0566, contact your county social services to see what assistance you are eligible for. Ask too if you may be eligible for any federal assistance. Ask what assistance your daughter may be eligible for.

You may find you are eligible for more assistance if you live apart from that man who treats you so shabbily.

My thought is for you to contact a safe shelter or support group to help you through this process. You are going to have to decide what you want. Sounds to me you have been brainwashed into thinking you are helpless. That is where the safe shelter or support group could be very helpful.

Please keep on posting. We are talking about some major changes here and that is scary too. But realize this also: YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON and YOUR DAUGHTER IS TOO!

Good luck.

Thank you cookiedough, all of our problems are important big or small we do need to support each other as you said. Right now in this deep depression I feel I don't have even my kids, I mean for support or even loved by them sometimes. When I feel ok I know they love me and support me but right now I feel there is no one. I put on a happy face when they are around. They really don't know how bad I am right now. They know I am depressed but not the extent of it. I never tried to leave my husband but threatened to a few times. I have started a savings for myself but I am scared he will find out then he will close our joint account which is where my check and his check go to. It comes down to me getting the strength and my mind in better shape to do what is needed (leave him). I need to be stronger for my daughter and myself, I am trying. I have gotten stronger in many ways over the years but still need more work. I have my 13 yr old daughter at home, the other 3 are on their own. What I wish for is for him to leave. He did leave before...thats another long story but he begged to come back and I let him wallow in it for a while before I let him back...I regret it though, He is now worse than he ever was. I was beginning to feel alive during those months and even calling around about driving lessons, only calling around but it was something.

TheByzantine thank you, In a way I feel like I never grew up and another way I feel I grew up way to fast and everything hit at once. I will look into a support group and maybe counseling through social services etc. I have put that on my list. I don't know why but even that is scary for me to do right now. I really need help as far as counseling, thank God my daughter qualifies for social services counseling and sees her weekly. We do have insurance but doesn't pay much for counseling. She also sees a psychiatrist regularly and is on meds but shes not doing well at the moment. My focus is my daughter , but I can't fall apart on her, she needs me so I am really greatful for this forum and people like you, being able to share and let it out , it really helps so much. Helps to keep me afloat until I move ahead.

To be a mother at 14 and a wife at 15 affirms your belief that, "In a way I feel like I never grew up and another way I feel I grew up way to fast and everything hit at once."

Getting help for yourself is getting help for your daughter too.

Be well, zana0566

Yes getting help for the sake of my daughter She needs me to be ok.