[hysteriax]

Hi, everyone. I have never written on a forum before, but because I'm feeling so lonely, I can't bare to bottle it up. Sorry if this isn't customary or if this is an odd post, but for whatever reason, typing out my thoughts in a little thread seems oddly compelling and somehow potentially helpful; it'd be nice if someone could listen. Anyway...

I'm a teenage girl, and as a typical teen, I have become victim to living up to an image. I am also a hopeless idealist, leading me to imagine perfect scenarios about EVERYTHING, my friendships, boys, etc., none of which ever come true because they're hyperbolic. For the past year, I've been frequenting the internet, meeting people via roleplaying and such and dating like that, but it honestly made me feel like such a loser to resort to such behavior to satiate my loneliness. I have friends and I'm not really regarded as a loser in school, but I still don't feel satisfied with my situation. I've liked several boys but they (obviously) never feel the same. I have concluded that it must be something wrong with me, my image, my personality, and have thus degraded into a girl that believes she can never live up to being beautiful and desirable.

I realize how droning on and cliché this sounds, but this is really how I feel. I'm not here for you to say "I'm sure you're beautiful" and whatnot, I just hate feeling this way. Some people truly feel they're beautiful even when I don't think they are, and their boyfriends/partners view them in the same way. How do you achieve such a beautiful relationship?

Words cannot describe how much worse it has gotten as high school has progressed. All I see are people dating, people being together all the time and having plenty of love (thanks to facebook, parties, etc.) and then there's me---always lagging behind and never wanted, or put first. I am now wondering what I should even do in a day. It all gets wasted and I never feel truly fulfilled or happy unless I'm with a guy or doing something extreme (of course this rarely happens). Luckily enough, I have decided against drugs to fix myself, mostly because it'd tear my parents apart if I did, and I care about them too much to do something to cause them pain. Hence why I haven't contemplated suicide yet. But that doesn't mean I've never pondered the idea.

I just don't see the point in life anymore.

Ah. I just needed to get it out of my system. Thanks if you read it all, I appreciate any comments.

[SophiaG]

Have you ever been in therapy for Depression??

[lynn P.]

Hi Hysteriax,
first let me say, you're very articulate and a good writer. I have 2 daughters 8 and 12 and I'm trying to raise them to be strong young women. I really worry the way young women are pressured in todays society. I think there's way too much focus on outer beauty and sex - not enough emphasis on inner beauty and character. Sure it's great to make yourself look your best, but don't try to live up to that image of 'perfect beauty' or perfect relationships. Here's a good website that shows how the beauty industry, alters photos and is misleading. It's damages young womens self esteem - how can they ever look like those models, when THEY don't even look like that. Here's the website:

http://www.dove.ca/en/ - click on 'campaign for real beauty'.

Now that I'm older I encourage all young women to stay away form serious relationships. The reason being, when they fail, it pummels your self esteem. Get involved in exercise and preferably a team sport because it's known that women who are physically active, have better self esteem. Try to get involved in any clubs in school and just concentrate on being friends with nice people. It's okay if you're not doing what everyone else is and they might not be as happy as you think. Remember you can't find happiness through someone else - it has to come from inside you.

Perhaps speaking with a school counselor would help and I encourage you to write down your feelings. Many young people are idealists but if you're always striving for perfection, you might be disappointed. Best of luck in understanding yourself and thanks for sharing.

What Lynn said

I'm in my early 20s and never been in a relationship. I decided early on that sex outside of a loving relationship, and drugs/alcohol to block out my pain were'nt a good idea for me personally. At the time my friends thought I was "wierd" or a lesbian as I never had a boyfriend, and at the time I did feel "wierd" because it was never as big a deal for me as it was for them. They needed a bf to complete them, to feel good about themselves. They think 'I've got a bf therefore I must be attractive'. I saw friend after friend lose their virginity to some guy they didn't even like so they could feel 'adult'/part of the 'I've had sex club' They didn’t even enjoy it!...And do you know what?! I feel sorry for them. While they "pity" me for still being single, I pity them for not knowing that they are worth more than the sum of their relationships/sexual experiences. You do not need a bf or to conform to societies' stereotypes of typical teenage behaviour. Concentrate on being YOU.

Now I realise that's all well and good saying it, but it sucks actually being isolated & feeling 'different' from your peers. I've been there. In my case I 'outgrew' my school friends and found new & better ones in Uni who aren't so bothered with appearances and how others view them. My old 'friends' are still stuck in their petty ways, while I've moved on. Life's too short to live it for someone else - life it for yourself!

*Willow*

[englishteacher]

Have to agree with Willow and Lynn - I know how hard it is to feel lonely in high school, but it will pass. Getting involved in a team sport or academic club could really open up avenues of friendship, especially if you pick something that you enjoy. You can get to know others who have similar interests.

And .... College was so much better. College kids are not as concerned about their looks or what their classmates are doing, or not doing.

[Alexandria04]

Thanks hysteriax for sharing. I just wanted to concur with what everyone else has said and to reassure you that college is indeed much better. In high school everyone cares about what social group you belong to such as "emo" "prep" "nerd" etc. but in college no one really cares. You are just you. I remember being really jealous sometimes of all the people in high school whose parents could afford Nike and other name brand shoes and clothes, but once again in college no one cares. Everyone knows that you are all pretty much a bunch of poor college students who wear jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops. Even my friends who have wealthy parents don't flaunt it and they aren't more popular because they have more money like they would be in high school. Anyway, I hope that makes you feel a little better and gives you some hope for the future. Thanks again for sharing!

[muse]

Hey girl,
I'm about to complete my first year of college, but reading your post brought my high school years flooding back! I totally understand how you feel--believing you are not good enough and never will be, pressuring yourself with perfectionism, knowing none of your friends will really understand and not being able to trust them with your deepest feelings, and turning to fantasy worlds to fill the gaps. I know, I know! It's awful.

I would strongly suggest you talk to a school councilor (lame, yes, but it's a decent first step) or, better yet, a psychiatrist or psychologist. I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me the thoughts and feelings you are having now led me to a highly self-destructive lifestyle and a suicide attempt. Fortunately I survived and was able to improve my lot in life, but it involved breaking down my perceived reality and building up a new, better one.

Some stuff that really helped me:
1. First, you have to WANT to get better. You have to WANT to feel better. When you do, you will have the power to change.

2. Stop telling yourself, "I should," "I could have," "I shouldn't." Recognize that perfection is a lie, and can only hurt you.

3. For every negative thought you have about yourself (EVERY. SINGLE. ONE) force yourself to come up with one positive thought to counteract it. Sounds corny, but this is all about changing your perceptions, and it does help. Looking at yourself in the mirror and stating those things that you like about yourself also helps.

4. Be kind to yourself. This is the hardest couple of years you'll likely face, and don't for a second feel like your feelings are invalid or foolish. What you feel belongs to YOU and you alone, and nobody else can judge or invalidate that.

I have no idea if that will help you, but I truly hope it does!! Good luck, and take care of yourself. College is so much better!!!! *hugs*

[desperate&disturbed]

im sorry you are feeling like that. Im in highschool right now, freshman year. i can totally understand what you mean, i see everyone around me has amazing relationships and im just chillin by myself all the time.
that stuff is really hard, and if you ever want to talk im here.
i really hope it gets better!