[Elana05]

Is it possible to have PTSD related to work? It would be funny if it wasn't so completely and utterly painful for me. Every day I wake up feeling like I just need to "pull myself up" and get myself back to work. I hate taking money from my father (even though he has offered it). So I go online and I try to search out something that doesn't sound horrible, something part-time. I say a small prayer that the person I am responding to is friendly and someone I could get along with... This morning I applied to one job only to do some extra searching to find out it was kind of a scam. I feel physically hurt by people who are not up front. I feel hurt by how much other people want out of you for nothing. It leaves me wanting to crawl back in my shell. I feel too tired and too undone for all of this. I know what I need is the ability to brush it off. Whenever I apply for a job, whether I end up at work there or not, I am encompassed by an anxiety that grabs a hold of my neck and stomach. Makes me miserable. Makes it difficult to stop sobbing. I am filled with anger. I know these reactions are psychologically deep-seated. I know it has to do with self-esteem and with my resistance to having somebody else in control of me. I am not lazy. I will spend all day cleaning my own house or working at my artwork. Volunteering almost seems easier. I think I am doomed to never allow myself any financial success.
Just needed to vent. Thank you all for listening.
Wishes to all of you too.

[billieJ]

You sound like an excellent worker, providing that you do not have to "perform" or dance to the tune of another's expectations. I would call at least part of your anxiety "performance anxiety" rather than PTSD, but you also express some resistance to the idea of taking orders from others, which is another story altogether, at least I think. I would suggest continuing your job applications, with the realization that cyberspace attracts many "scammers" so that you won't be let down when you run onto one. At the same time, I would call organizations such as hospice care, hospitals, children's programs, and Senior Citizens, etc. re Volunteer Work. Not only will this increase your chances for getting a job, but it will bolster your self esteem. A friend ~ billieJ