old me - new me??

Depression has always been a part of my life, but I used to function better. I used to hold down a full time job, and I was good at it. I used to be able to use work and responsibilities to keep me focused on proactive, rather than destructive thoughts. I used to enjoy the little things in life more.

Now, it seems that I am scared all the time. I know part of it is life circumstances, but it seems that I can't distract myself as easily from problems. I can't stuff it down and just get on with my life.

I'm sure that finding a full time job again - one that makes me feel needed and helpful, would help. But, I'm terrified of job interviews. I realize that no one enjoys looking for a job or interviewing, but it's gone beyond that. I feel like a deer in the headlights. I can see the car coming - it's going to hit me, but I'm frozen in that spot by my fear.

I think it helps to keep busy and our minds pre-occupied. A job will certainly help with that.
You need to be sure it is a job you can function in though - I think this is the hardest part - finding an employer who is supportive.
I have lived with it for +- 8 years and only in the last 9 months or so can I say it is really affecting my work performance and I just want to go home and curl up

Part of the fear is that I haven't worked an 8-5 job in over 10 years, except two years teaching high school - but that was more like 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. I know I used to be really good at handling way more than seemed possible for one person, but now - Some days, even my part time work seems like more than I can handle.

Hey englishteacher,
I can so relate to your post. Actually, I just posted something about work under the heading of anxiety. What is it? I used to work nine and ten hour days at times. I just don't have the energy anymore. I am going to try to keep taking this problem to my therapist and hope to work on it. I don't know if you can relate too, but I have found it so hard to get over any negative criticism. Mine came from my dad who told me I had never made any good decisions (about work). I just can't seem to drop that and it follows me around every day.
Have you thought about taking a "step down" to some kind of low-paying job while you "sort it out?" I have. Ugh. It's hard to keep up positive self-esteem with that decision, though. Have you done any tutoring kids on the side? I also like writing and grammar. I was thinking copy-editing sounds nice (stuff you can do from home). Have you ever seen any of those sorts of jobs?

Hi, Englishteacher & Everybody!

When does one accept that depression (or, depression + declining health + aging) has diminished one's capacities and imposed the need to define a new "normal" for oneself? I don't know the answer to this question, but I've struggled with it filled with guilt and self-reproach for over a decade.

I'm not Monty Python's Black Knight who never, ever gives up (go look it up on YouTube; caution - language and comic but gory bloodshed). "Face it, Rohag, you're not what you were and those hopes of becoming the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question are looking pretty sad."

Nevertheless, some sort of happiness and definitely fulfillment can be had in any stage of life...at least that's what I tell myself. Who knows, following an old or new passion regardless of the apparent financial reward could be the way to greatness.

My best to every fellow struggler!

I know exactly how you feel. I am struggling with the same things every day. I used to be able to stuff things away and move on with my life, but I just can not do it anymore. I keep saying because there is no more room to stuff anymore stuff. I do think if you had a full time you would feel much better about yourself. I am in the same boat as you. As far as the interviews go, maybe you could practice with one of your friends. If you go online you should be able to find job interview questions. The better prepared you are the easier it might be for you when you go.

I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk you have a friend here

Elana - yes, I suffer from the negative criticism thing as well. My father has been very disappointed that I haven't done more with my life and that I have given up really great jobs to follow my husband. Also, when I worked for a public school, my contract was not renewed. I never got a reason from the district as to why they did not want me back. My test scores improved both years I worked there. I think that's where the fear of interviews comes from. I wish I could care less what others think of me.

Rohag - I know part of it is aging...I'm not 20 anymore. I don't have as much energy, but I should still be capable of holding down a full time job. I actually think I'm capable of not only holding a full time job, but excelling at it. I'm just a little worried about being stuck in an office for so long...I'm out of the habit.

Semiblonde - thanks for the support. I'm not afraid of the interview for rational reasons. I can anticipate the questions and if I'm not depressed, I'll do just fine. I'm actually quite personable and present myself well in most social/work situations. The terror comes from depression. I used to deal with the depression much better, but I find myself wanting to just curl into a ball and hide from the world now.

On the bright side - I did finish the applications for two jobs and turn them in today. One of them is a really great job that I would enjoy. The other is just a job. Send good vibes....I need all the cosmic support I can get on this one.

I hope the job applications turn into interviews and a job in the near future.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote - I think, for me, the loss of confidence has been the worst part of depression. I don't know how I will become the person who can work again. I haven't worked full-time since having my children, and had to stop my part-time business because of depression; and now I have moved away from that which has quite handily allowed me not to have to try to pick it up again. But I can see that, ultimately, I need to be doing something which I can be proud of and which is fulfilling. Just don't really know how to get there - at the moment I'm working on the principle that I will get there given time, and that it can happen to me in the future - just because it's not what I can cope with now, doesn't mean it will always be that way.

I think that after a long break for whatever reason, returning to work is always going to be - ha!- hard work - just being in the same place for a set number of hours, being nice to people(!) all day, trying to remember new procedures and so on. So perhaps give yourself permission to find those things hard? - that it isn't you, or depression - just a normal reaction.

I hope it works out for you.

Strong vibes to the englishteacher.

Hi, Englishteacher! I owe you an apology.

I've reread your posts here and can now see where elements of your original post triggered my personal introspection mode. I understand where my post above could be read as questioning your capabilities. I'm sorry; that's not the effect I wanted. In fact, I suspect I launched off into my own reality with little thought of yours.

I ask your pardon, and wish you success.

rohag - I wasn't at all offended by your response, so there is really no need to apologize. Actually, I found your Black Knight (I believe that is pronounced KKKKK nigit) comment very amusing. Hadn't thought of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in a while...soooo silly. So, I'll leave you with ....Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam