[PlanningtoLive]

I have been very quiet here lately, as I know everyone has seen. I have been thinking and worrying and stressing.

Trying to get used to new meds and deal with my son's tension of me leaving on Tues. I have been packing my things and it is bothering me tremendously.

My husband, as usual, is worried about his cigs and gasoline when I leave - so I've had that garbage to listen to at the same time.

Then I discovered that my laptop computer, which I am bringing with me, will not work with a dial-up modem. We have cable modem here and it runs perfectly with that. I had someone look at it and he thinks that the modem got hit during a storm or something. There is a separate bay area on the side for a plug-in extra modem, so I think I have one that I can borrow for awhile.

The thought of not being online to send notes and cards to my son, pay the bills so I'm not late, and access this site, has depressed me quite severely the last few days. I can't afford a new modem at this time, esp since I'm leaving with no money on me at all.

Course, my husband told me to "bounce a check".........there's intelligence for you. [sigh]. That is for his benefit of course, not mine.

If after Tues. you don't see me around, you will all know why.....and being alone, I will go insane slowly but surely. I won't be home for sure until a week from Tues..........such a long time.

My apologies to my T, but the grate is coming off my hole. I won't do anything, but I want the darkness surrounding me so I feel calmer.

I'm terrified that I will fail at this job....and look like a complete idiot. I can't afford to ruin it by being hyper. I am so unstable at the moment, that it scares me. Right now the inner me is running things and that is the worst possible thing to happen.

Tomorrow is my last day with my son......and I have two doc appts: one with my back surgeon so he can follow-up on it and take xrays, then I go see my T.........after the way I felt leaving there last time, like he's trying to get rid of me by manuevering me into group, it won't be a good session. Plus I'll have my husband and Alex with me as well - Alex is fine, but...............................

Tues. morning will be hard on both of us - knowing that when he leaves for school, I won't see him again for quite some time. If I can just slide into my comfortable hole for awhile, I might be able to pull it together. My meds are making me on edge again, although I did get some Lorazepam to take when it is too bad.

I am such a wreck...........lol.

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the update. I know this week is going to be rough for you, but I hope it will be worth it by the time it is done.

I hope you can borrow a modem so you can stay connected to the world (and us). A lot of hotels do have computers with internet access for guests to use too.

Good luck on everything tomorrow, and after Tuesday at least we'll know where you are. Good luck on the training too - but I know you'll do great at that.

Hugs and kisses for you and Alex xoxoxxoxox
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks Wendy.........

Hotels have internet access, but not the cable high speed that I need - figures, huh? I called them to check. Hopefully I will have a borrowed modem today.

Keep Alex in your prayers.......without me here, he'll need a few extra.

xoxox

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

Check with a library too....I know here in Nova Scotia...all of them have cable and/or high speed(rural areas too)...I used to work with our local libraries and this was used so much with tourists and business people on their travels.

Check in with us whenever you can and we are all sending huge hugs to {{{{{{{{{{{{{Alex}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} too.

Stay strong hun...you can do it and try to have some fun while you are there.....hot tub sounds sooooo nice right now


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[LadyDragus]

oh my darling Mary Alice
I will miss you and I hope to see you on, but I do understand if you can not..
Just some FYI>. most librarys, have cmops you can get on and use them for Email and stuff..
Something to look for when you are going to be away from home for so long.

Try looking for a close libary, so you can get on. I knwo it wont be as private and other people will be there, but it is a choice, right..

Hugs and love comgin at ya..

(((((((((( hugglies.. )))))))))))))))))))

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

I don't know if you'll see this, but if you do....I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you specially this week too ((((((Mary Alice)))) and I'll be thinking of your family also, especially little Alex. Please take extra-good care of yourself.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

[somebody]

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}
I know we haven't really talked much and I don't really know you but my heart goes out to you and {{{{{Alex}}}}}... I will keep you in my prayers

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{Alex}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just one more hug before you go. Both of you are in my prayers and I know you'll be okay.

-Wendy

p.s. did you get a modem? If you didn't, I'm really going to miss you until you get back. :-(

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Ahhhhhhhhh, how much I love all of you and the hugs I get......ty very much. I did get a modem, so I will be here.......yippppeeee!!

I went to my surgeon for my check-up and he took xrays. The damage to my left leg may be caused by one of the screws/bolts in my back being too long and pressing on the nerve.........I have to have a CT scan and a myleogram (?) on the 30th. If that is the problem, guess what????? You guessed it - SURGERY ONE MORE TIME. He has to take out that bolt and replace it with a shorter one before more damage is done to my leg [sigh]. Can I ever have peace??

Then I went to see my T and I started crying - told him I felt that he was shoving me off to the side and that I felt there was a wall between us - that he isn't "there" for me anymore. I have been so quiet lately - not talking much to anyone...........maybe it's the new meds, maybe not. I didn't think it was possible to withdraw more, but I've surprised myself.

We discussed how me being gone is going to stress me out and that I will want to SI..........he is, once again, making himself available to me if I need him. I know I will.........every day I pray that I keep my promise to him, but there are times when it is sorely tested. I just don't do being alone very well and trying to hold everything together at a new job.

Maybe it is PMS , but keeping it together and acting fine is getting harder to do.

I'll be thinking of all of you, and keep you updated.........thanks everybody.

xoxoxoxo

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Don't forget that YOU HAVE US, ((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))), [I know, not quite the same, but you know what I mean, ]!!

I'm SO glad that you will be able to be online = I really think that that is going to help a lot.

Will check back in to see how you are later this evening = am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers... XOXOXOXO!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

::::::::::::::::sending kisses and hugs::::::::::::::::::::

I'm glad that I have all of you.

Mary Alice

[Sam]

(((((Mary Alice)))))

I'm glad to learn you will be able to access the internet and take care of everything you need to do, but most of all, I'm glad we will still have you with us. We love ya, you know!

I think new jobs are always stressful but I have faith in you and know you will do great - so don't stree yourself out too much. Remember, at one time everyone was new at anything they did. They will know that.

And you have so many friends that love you - how could you ever think you could be in darkness? Just think of us here, and place your right hand on your left shoulder, then place your left hand on your right shoulder, and then ... SQUEEZE VERY HARD (don't break anything now) and think of us, and that will be us hugging you sweetie. And think of Peanuts smiley hugging you. You are never alone for we are with you.

And of course we will be thinking of both, you and your son ... (((((Mary Alice & Alex)))))

With love,
Your friend Sam

[LadyDragus]

I am so happy that you will be able to get on, Now I wont worry so much about you my darling Mary Alice..
I will hope and pray you have a wonderful week, on the new job. and I will even say an extra special prayer for you not having to have more sugery
((((((((( hugs hugs Hugs ))))))))))))))

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[heidu]

Mary Alice,
Am so glad you can get online and keep us posted. We're all here for you.
I am glad you opened up to your T about how you feelings. Thats a big step.
A new job is always a challenge and you will be alone but not really. Maybe you can looka t it as getting a break from your husband and just having "you" time. Thats so important and you never get that. This is your opportunity to not only do some soul searching without distraction but also to be free from the nag for a bit.
I want you to do me a favor, when you are away I know you will be having a lot of emotions, new job, missing your son etc but please get in touch with how you are feeling about being away from your husband. Do you feel somewhat better despite the other challenges. Has you stress level dropped, are you more able to handle things and think more clearly. Do you feel physiaclly better.
Sending lots of hugs to keep with you on your trip.
Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin