This is it

This is it. This is my life. The events that unfolded this morning are what sums up my life... and why I question its purpose all the time. First, I woke up and I couldn't have been any more groggy because I stayed up so late trying to get school work done. I'm so stressed. Then on top of that, I saw my mom was extremely frazzled and fighting tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was talking to my sister on the phone this morning and they got into a huge fight... one that ended with my sister frantically crying and screaming that she was going to kill herself. After she hung up, my mom tried calling her again and again but she didn't answer.

My mom and sister have both threatened this many times in the past and my whole life I've felt like the suicide watchman. They refuse to get help because they insist it is their situation that makes them miserable, not a chemical imbalance, and if their situation improved, they would too. But I beg to differ. My stomach is in a constant knot. A part of me feels like I want to retire from my position as the watchman and stop being the one who has to do damage control. Don't they understand that I have these thoughts too... probably more severe than theirs? That any second I could be on the verge of a serious breakdown? I've tried to make things better, why can't they?

I'm tired... tired of everything... when I'm not on the verge of tears, my blood is boiling with anger. I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but living a life like this is not right. You are not supposed to live every hour of every day in mental anguish and pain. I don't know how superstitious I am, but I honestly hope the world ends in 2012. I would be so relieved.........

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Oh, and a little update. Now I have been told that if anything does happen to my sister, I'm partially to blame. You know, I can't help but laugh. Maybe that's what I should do from now on. Sit back and watch the stars twinkle in the night sky while everyone's lives fall apart around me. Then once all their lives have crumbled I can be free to let mine do the same.

Hi, Anony!
Only a part of you wants to retire? My whole spirit would be howling for release.
Justifiably tired! No wonder you feel as you do!

Sounds to me you've been "parentified," made responsible for the happiness of your mother and sister. Living that unnatural role can crush a person. (I know but little of your whole situation, but that's a first impression...)

Here's a PsychCentral blog entry by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D on Parentification.

Anony, I don't know how, but I wish you freedom and a refreshed spirit in that freedom.

Thanks Rohag.

I guess I should have reworded part of my post. I do want to "retire" from this, but a part of me would feel too guilty, especially if something ever did happen to one of them. I do feel that I have always been the most mature person in my family... even when I was little. I definitely have the most common sense and it's exhausting sometimes. In fact, just ten minutes ago I finished today's round of damage control between the two of them and for the time being, everyone is calm.

And thanks for the link as well. I'll have to check it out.

Anoy-fly high!!! way over the rainbow! Drama is for the stage. Not for life. JMO
Life is for living.
I ditto Rohag--(((((Anony))))) theo

Perhaps a lesson on fighting fairly may make a difference (although I doubt it).

This article is specifically about marriage but should also work for other relationships: http://marriage.about.com/library/howto/htfight.htm