A burden

I feel so miserably like a burden. I feel that everyone would be better without me, not that I have the inclinations to do that, but I do feel that way.

Mom and dad wouldn't have to drive me and my fiancé (we're both carless) everywhere...
Mom and dad wouldn't have to feed me anymore
-_- pretty much, I consider myself a large mistake on their part

My fiancé wouldn't have to put up with my fits of rage when my bipolar snaps anymore...

My employer wouldn't have to deal with a person on an FMLA for bipolar issues that calls off fairly regularly and takes loads of days off (approved) and the like. ... not that I give a crap about my employer, they're jerks.

The only beings I feel that it'd effect negatively are my kitties.
I do all the stuff for them, fiancé says that changing the litter makes him "nauseous."
I fill their food, I'm the one that looks after them... and honestly I'm not sure if my parents would keep them or give them up. Dad's not much of a cat person.

Oh, and the fact that people would be saddled with my massive amount of debt is a deterrent as well.

So, AmadeusApple, what is the plan? How are you going to fix this?

I have made the same sorts of calculations, is my existence an overall positive or negative?

I don’t have an answer for either one of us, but I do know this, all of my calculations (and probably yours too) don’t take into account the future, what good I can do, what good WE can do.

So this is just me, I say you should stick around, if for no other reason than you don’t know what tomorrow will bring

I'm not completely sure...
If I were to move to 40 hours instead of 32, it would probably help, but I'm not sure if I could handle 40 hours at the moment...

I've been trying to act nicer towards my fiancé, going on a date once a week seems to be helping. We've started going to The Olive Garden every Wednesday.
I find it fairly easy to justify the $40 or so if it's helping me feel better mentally.

No worries, I will be.
I long ago accepted how selfish it would be towards everyone if I were to do anything to myself, even if I feel that they'd be better off, I know that it'd kill my mom inside.
My dad too, probably, mom says it would. It's kind of hard to tell with him... he's not one for showing outward emotions.

With my fiancé, I'm not sure... but you know, he's stuck with me through so much, he must be pretty fond of me.

And heck, who would feed my kitties?

Mike J put it brilliantly, when he said, " What good can WE do?"

I highly recommend focusing on the good things that you can do now. Right now! They don't have to be huge acts of kindness or acheivements. But, you can pick up litter on the street. Round up grocery carts in a parking lot. Go to a local retirement home, and visit elderly. (They LOVE that!) Lots of little things can be done, to give yourself some sense of worth.

It works well for me. Really!

I think we all pass through moments when we feel like a burden - but that's because we forget how many interesting or at least just something good to do are around. As long as we can still do them and we can give more than we take we are not a burden.

We have a life - we didn't create us to have the right to damage what we haven't created. My child tried one day to tell me that she could do worse and ruin her achievements. I said I can do the same with mine and she will have less resources for the future, if that was the answer, and do no efforts to support her needs other than food, clothes, on short the minimal ones. I was thinking what a great effort I made all these years to be told that if I do not submit at her manipulation ( she wanted something that I didn't consider that it was her best and I wasn't supportive...) she would cause her harm. I asked her if she first was able to create life and take care of a "life" to be properly developed in order to think about damaging, harming...

Do you think I have done the right thing?

I wish I had an answer, I'm not sure though.
I've never been a parent, so I don't really consider myself qualified to have an answer.

I'm sorry you feel like a burden, I can definitely relate

Maybe you could try coming up with something that can make you feel useful to someone? Like with your cats... You can try doing something that helps others, like volunteering somewhere.
At least this is what helped me. At the end of the day I know I've done something good. Even if I'm not essential to anyone, if I was able to make a brighter day for someone I feel a little better about myself and my existence.

Take good care of yourself

Hi AmadeusApple, I love your sense of humor and your honesty. You have a real solution oriented nature about yourself. You seem to take all advice that comes your way and pick and choose what works best for you. You have alot of admirable qualities. I wish you were'nt so hard on youself. shaggy

Yeah, being hard on myself is something I've had a problem with for quite some time.
And thank you.

Never think that someone will be better off without you! That simply isn't true. Sometimes they would rather have you there to care for than to not have you at all.

I bet your parents would be CRUSHED without you Amanda. They'd constantly ask themselves "what did I do wrong?" blaming themselves for your death. It's torture them and they'd probably never be the same...

Understanding this is really probably the reason that I'm here talking to you, well one of the reasons.
I may think I'm a burden or that they'd be better off without me... but I know very well that it's not true and that I'd be breaking people's lives (and kitties', they matter too! - I wouldn't be surprised if Amadeus followed me if I were to leave, he cannot stand to be separated from me if he knows I'm still at home; we live in my parents' basement, so I go upstairs to eat... if I'm upstairs too long he scratches at the door and meows pathetically like no other)

It would probably be a different story if I were the only one involved, but I've understood for quite some time that I'm not.