[phantasmagoric]

yeah...another pointless post from phantasmagoric............sorry....

So... I'm depressed.. and when I'm depressed, i do stupid ****...
I just drank like 6 beers, and before that I had some jack and coke (there isn't enough coke in the world to make that palatable)... never been drunk, so I dont even know if I am, though judging by the fact it's taken me 5 minutes to type this much cuz I keep having to retype it, yeah.....
I've always been against smoking, cuz my dad and grandparents, yet I bought 2 packs of Blackstone Cherries last week.... love them.....
I was always against drinking too because my mom's an alcoholic... sober for 2 years i think..... and now, I know that if my dad notices the missing beer hes going to blame her....

I'm depressed....idk exactly why. I know it has to do with the fact that I graduated with a GPA ranked something like 450 out of a class of 514, even though teachers say I'm one of the smartest kids theyve ever had...
I threw an awesome job away, as a $10 an hour gate security guard, because I couldn't pretend to be happy for 8 hours a day.... I would have gotten full time this summer....
I graduated with two friends... one I've known less than a year, and the other is an ex I constantly manipulate into doing favors for me... I "broke up" with her in like January, and we still hang out at least every week, and we always end up cuddling and kissing and almost always doing a lot more than that..... and I always regret it, because I know we don't work together, and I know she still loves me.... I'm beginning to think I'm on the path to becoming a sex addict, or that I am already.... I use it to make me feel better............

Idk, I have a psychologist, I'm on an ever evolving stream of meds that help for a while and then dont... I never know whether the medication isn't working or it's just life.... idk when it's chemical imbalances or emotional and physical stress that's got me down.....
I finally graduated, tho I have to do one summer class....idk....

I"d planned to take a year off and work.... but now I have no job.... and then go to college for cosmetology... but will I be good at it? I can't even make my own face, nails, and hair look good for more than one day out of the week.... and what's the point? it has no drastic or measurable effect on society.... it'll never pay enough for me to go to all the places and to see all the things I want to before I die... Who would even hire me? I'm bi, not gay, and I'm not flamboyant enough to pass for gay. I'm too manly and hairy and I have bad skin......
and I'm alone.... I have nothing better to do than rant to the only friend I can untill she signs off of Facebook, and then type out long stupid posts online that nobody really wants to read.....

my dad has MD, I worry about that. He's having unrelated surgery on his back in the next month, I worry about that. The combination of those means he's basically going to be unable to do anything in the yard or with the cars or anything. He;s also losing his job in july. as a bank security guard... there are like no other jobs out there anyway, let alone one's he'll be able to do......
My sister is following in my footsteps. actually, she's worse than me. this was her first year of Jr. High, and she prolly missed more school than I did all 7th 8th and 9th grade. she never rode the bus. she's already been to truancy court. I worry so much that she has depression or something, or that she'll screw up her grades or w/e....
My mom is an alcoholic as Ive said, sober for quite a while, but it isn't curable. **** anybody who says it is. I worry about all the stress that this all puts on her. I also inherited my depression from her. I know how much stuff can bother her, and how my dad doesn't understand what effect stuff he says has on her... And the job she has right now is only temporary, so I know money is a worry...

and on top of all this is ADD and some anxiety disorder... I and my psych think it may be OCD.... ****, I can't even let myself post this *******ed thing without making sure I save a copy on my computer...

I don't know anything anymore... whenever I feel okay, I just block all this **** out of my conscious thinking, but then I have a bad day and it all crashes down... I don't know what to do, what to think, who to turn to.... I used to be fine with being a loner... having no friends, just being alone... now I'm stuck messing with an ex, talking to an unknown group of people online, lacking the basic social and friend making skills that people develop by age 13.........

this kindof had no point, and I have no idea what, if any, response I wanted.... sorry....

[Rohag]

Hi, Phantasmagoric!

Originally Posted by Phantasmagoric

...I graduated with a GPA ranked something like 450 out of a class of 514, even though teachers say I'm one of the smartest kids theyve ever had...

This does not surprise me. Some exceptionally intelligent people simply cannot flourish within the bureaucratic rigidities of traditional education.

Phantasmagoric, you may need to use the less-traveled paths to reach your fulfillment. In fact, using "the road not taken" may be most compatible not only with your talents but also with your depression. I wish you success.

[SophiaG]

You mentioned you were bi, so I thought I'd post a link to a Bisexual forum for guys. It may help you

http://www.shybi-guys.com/forum/

Oh and your posts arent pointless, you just have a lot on your mind/heart right now. I like reading your posts.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by phantasmagoric

My mom is an alcoholic as Ive said, sober for quite a while, but it isn't curable. **** anybody who says it is. I worry about all the stress that this all puts on her. I also inherited my depression from her. I know how much stuff can bother her, and how my dad doesn't understand what effect stuff he says has on her...

This is the place to pour out whatever you have on your mind/ whatever is bothering you... Thanks for your post.

I can really relate to this. My mom has always been depressed and drinks because of it.

It seems like you have basiclly everybody in your family to worry about. I know the feeling.

Are you finding your therapist helpful? Would it be better to see someone else?

As hard as it can be; try to focus on taking care of yourself.

Are there any GBLTQ community centers in your area? You can meet some great people through these.

Hang in there. Things sound tough pretty right now. Try not to be so hard on yourself!!! Can you find any other outlets other than alcohol? ie. find another therapist, writing, kickboxing, painting, hiking etc.

E

[Lisa Michelle]

If you want to do cosmetology at college I say go for it!! Will you be good at it? Who knows! I don't see why not, if you enjoy it you'll most probably do great. I think it's about finding something you enjoy. But you may as well try it and see how things pan out. I don't think you need to be gay to do it, either :P that's just a stereotype I guess and has no basis on anything really.

I'm sorry to hear about all your stresses at home. It's probably no wonder you spend a lot of time online trying to talk to people, because by the sound of it you don't spend much time out of the house with friends..? It probably would help to have more friends or to hang out more with the ones you have (speaking from my experience right now I never go out and it does make you anxious, depressed etc) ... going to college would probably improve all of that. Can you not go now?
How about finding another job, is that possible? Or travelling?
I'm sure once you feel more sure in what you want to do right now you will feel a lot more relieved and calmer.
Good luck with everything... and remember you can rant here anytime x