[Overcastbutclearing]

I don't know. One moment I feel like it is going to get better. I listened to my T, agree to faithfully take meds, and try to not let things rule me and my impulses.
Last night I thought I felt good. And I thought , ok...let's see if this will be what is needed to get me out of this dark, dark hell.
This afternoon I am not so sure there is a way out...
I feel better...and yet more confident of my security in my reasonings.
I was talking with a good friend last night...known her now for 24 years. Was just being honest and open with her about how I have been feeling. And the thoughts of S****** that have consumed my head lately.
She told me she is learning from the Universe that she cannot try and control anyone but herself. And so, she would not be selfish in saying I should stay and try and get help...she said she would be sad but totally will respect me if that is the decision I come to and if I feel like that is what is best she supported me.
In one way I totally feel validated. Finally, someone who is agreeing with things I have been saying for some time now.
I just started Cymbalta yesterday. Cannot find too many people who have had success with this. And one of the major reactions is the thoughts of suicide can become much more intensified. So, I wonder how this can help.
I call my T to tell her all I am hearing about Cymbalta and she told me to stop researching it online and just see how it works for me. I also told her about what my friend said...her response was she is not validating what she said and she would need to process that whole thing more....
I kind of feel good though, finally, that someone who has known me since I have been 12 and has been around me through the onset of all my mental misery is understanding what it does to me and respecting me if I cannot go on like this anymore.
Anyway, this afternoon I am just all over the place. I was better this morning but now I am thinking all these things.
The pdoc I just met for the first time yesterday I am still trying to decide if I want to go back. I am not sure she will help me.
My T told me I didn't have to answer any questions she had that I didn't want to and when I didn't want to answer a question she got indignant with me. She told me if I wasn't going to talk with her and trust her there was no point in seeing her. I should have just got up right then and left.
Trust is earned...no automatic with me. And not just because you have MD after your name!
I don't know...had to get these lingering thoughts out.
Thanks for listening.

[Myzen]

sj,

I have it hard too, sometimes better, and sometimes ****.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way you are, and I hope the feelings go away a little. I try to think of myself as a survivor, and I say that word to myself. So far it has got me through the dark times.

Peaceful thoughts, Myzen

[Parker10]

SOrry you are feeling all "tossed" up. SjO - u know that you have felt this way before and it got better ! As for what your friend said - in one way, she is right , we can only control ourselves - we cannot control anyone else, but IMHO - it may appear she was validating your thoughts, but that does not mean that HER thoughts are saying"Oh what the heck - if u decide to do something, its OK by me"......or that HER thoughts are right ! I am sorry also that you were not able to open up with the PDoc, but I see a wonderful change in you - you are willing to TRY the medication! I also agree with your T - dont research this med. EVERY time ONE person has a "side effect" from a medication, it has to be listed as a "possible side effect". SO - if ONE person had increased suicidal thoughts, it is now listed with that med. IF this med had gotten MANY reports of such - it would have been taken off the market - as other meds have been. I hope you will give the Cymbalta a chance !

[MacD]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sjo401))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sjo401}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry your feeling so tossed up....man you described me for this past week...talked to my T about it some today but did not help much....last week I was fine now today I feel like a tossed salad if I can use your words....your not alone sweetie....

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((hope4me2)))) Of course you can use my words..
At least we can know we are not alone.

[Hope4me2]

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((Sj))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you

[Overcastbutclearing]

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Tired!
Frustrated!
Wanting to use my "get out of jail" card!
When does the madness stop????

[Hope4me2]

so sorry {{{{{{sj}}}}}}

[Overcastbutclearing]

Feeling up and down still.
I probably should tell my T how things are going in my head but she is out of the office this week with family situations and I know she can be called in times like these but I really don't want to bother her.
I feel high. I have been on cymbalta for 5 nights now.
It is making me feel hyper. It makes me feel better and I have more energy but in a dangerous type of way.
I know how to take care of myself...the question is...will I? Will I find the strength and hope to take care of myself?
I feel like if I am honest about what really is going on inside of me people will look at me with anger. No one truly understands the way my mind works.
I burned a new CD on Sunday with songs that I can scream too. Two songs that are totally catching my thought process are "Cleaning out my closet" but Eminem and "Don't Try Suicide" by Queen. I am obsessed to keep listening to them over and over again.
Anyway, I have to vent some where. I don't want to tell the wrong people and end of in the hospital. I don't have that kind of patience in my life. Been there, done that..want make my head stop spinning!

[Overcastbutclearing]

I just don't know how else to get it out!