[Taonuviel]

I left home on July 6th and got back just recently. I was at the hospital, which took much longer than it should have, because community mental health wouldn't approve me for inpatient, only a crisis home, which wouldn't keep me safe as I knew I was dangerously suicidal. The way that clinician talked with me... grr. I couldn't believe it, and it left me with no choices I could see, so I did all I could think to do - resolve myself to suicide worse than I ever have before. I attempted, but obviously it didn't work out - it would have had I planned it longer. So I got in the psych hospital the hard way, and didn't come out of the "dark" depression for 2 weeks, at which time I started slowly coming out to just "painful" depression. But I still don't feel safe. I think they were just under pressure to get me out, and decided to since I've been somewhat better. At least I'm going back for partial tomorrow... but I really have no idea what could work. I feel dead inside, don't care about anything, don't know what keeps me from hurting myself now - aside from not feeling much pain to provoke it.
I feel so lost.

Aw sweetie, I'm so sorry you are still in so much pain.

Seeking help is very brave and courageous and you did the right thing.

I'm sending warm thoughts and positive vibes.

Petunia

[LadyDragus]

I am so sorry, you are having such a hard time getting the help you need. I have never been in the place you are at now..

I wish I knew how to help you.. I hae watched how badly you suffer and want to help but I have no clue how to help you

Please try to keep safe and if you can keep us posted on how you are doing ok.

safe hugs if it is ok..

((((((((((((( hugs to you ))))))))))))))))))))))

Just wondering how you made out today.

Check in when you can.

Petunia

[LadyDragus]

yes how are you doing today..

checking in on those who need us the most..

Dragon hugs if it is ok..

[Taonuviel]

Thanks...
I'm doing a little better, just really conflicted, afraid to let myself do well because I pretty much believe I'll just fall back down and it'll be that much more painful next time. So pessimistic. But I'm holding out I guess.

[LadyDragus]

I am gald you are doing better, I was getting worried.. about you..

I am very glad to hear back from you..

[Taonuviel]

Thanks for caring...
I was discharged from partial today... don't feel ready for that, either. Don't know why they didn't keep me on a bit longer... like at least finish out the week... CMH was probably complaining. I don't care about CMH, they're the reason everything's so compounded now... but what's it matter?
I'm going back and forth between a willing to hope mood and a dangerous mood. Very apathetic... but I'm sure I'll make it... I'm destined to live miserably, I'm sure.
I don't know what to do or think.

[LadyDragus]

I will be here for you.. no matter what ok.

Talk to me about anything..
ok.

[Taonuviel]

...I think that's a saying...

I don't know what to do... my options are extremes - extreme functioning at school in 1 1/2 weeks, or extreme malfunctioning. I don't have any time left to ease my way through things, I really wish they hadn't discharged me yet, I'm not safe - I might have been able to work myself to a safer place mentally if they'd given me a bit longer... my situation warrants it. But they didn't, and going back now would risk running into the time I'm supposed to be back at school for preparation for the leadership position I'm supposed to fulfil - which would ruin it. Maybe I shouldn't even be taking this position, but I'm committed to it now. I don't know that I should even be trying to push myself through school... but I need it. I can't function without structure, and I don't have transportation for a job, even if I could get one. So I have to go to school if I'm going to live.

I really want to just opt out entirely. I feel so trapped and alone! I wish I had more time.

[gardenergirl]

Hi,
I would imagine that discharge from partial would be scary. Any change can be. It sounds like you are aware of what's ahead that could get overwhelming. That's a good sign. It can't blind-side you if you see it coming.

Be good to yourself. It's hard to balance obligations and interests with self-care. I sure understand that! Just remember that you your health and well-being are the foundation for everything else.

I hope you have smooth sailing and fair skies...

gg