[SavvySpirit]

Hi everyone! I hope you all are feeling okay tonight... lots of hugs to anyone who's not!!

So, I just have a quick question. I've been feeling very down for the past few weeks. My husband works a travelling job, and it's been going on 5 weeks since we've seen each other. I miss him... And he's not having the best time either. I wrote a post about this a few days ago, so I'm not repeating myself I swear. I just am wondering, is there any way that I can get him to think about what he's saying to me? I've been heavily depressed for going on 2 and half years, and this is the third time this has happened this bad in my life. We've been together for 3 years, so for most of the time, I've been like this. I can tell it's very wearing on him, very tiring and that it gets frustrating and annoying. I get frustrated and annoyed with myself, I can only imagine how he feels. So when he's not doing so hot, I try to make myself just swallow everything and be positive for him. But lately, he's not been doing the same for me. He gets frustrated that I'm sad for no reason, he thinks it's him all the time (which is horrible for me; it puts me on a guilt trip, knowing that I'm hurting him and can't help it) So, I think you're getting the point.

All I need is to maybe hear some things that I can suggest to him that he should say? I don't want to be cruel at all, I just need him to understand that my feelings aren't normal, they aren't rational, and so he needs to learn what to say to me. It doesn't help for him to tell me that he feels depressed sometimes too, because I know he's just sad, not truly screwed up like I am. That sounds so insensitive... that's not how I mean it. But anyway, just some way of getting my point across that sometimes the way he reacts to me hurts even worse, and that there's ways for him to talk to me that will help us both.

Thanks for your time!

[sunsetsunrise]

hi Saavyspirit, Sorry your husband is away so often. what comes to mind when I read your question, is a question for you. Do you think it would be a good idea to go to a counseller together? Just so you each can work through whats the best way to navagate all of this? The best way to communicate which will work out well for each persons needs? Its just a thought. Take good care !!

[Perna]

Savvy, I too am sorry your husband is away so much, since it is sad for you. A lot of what people say can be taken different ways; I would work on how I "hear" what is said to me and try to feel good about it. When you wrote your example, "he feels depressed sometimes too" I thought it was sweet that he was trying to identify with you, kind of patting you on the shoulder and say, "there, there, it will be all right in the end".

I don't know that you can change how other people operate, they've got their own baggage they're coming from and that's how they think and relate, just like you have how you think and relate. You can only change your own thinking and way of seeing things if you want, not really someone else's.

What would you like to hear from your husband? You could tell him to say that? But that would come from you and be about you, not from him? Wouldn't be the same I don't think. Or ask him not to talk about how sad or depressed he is but, again, that would cut off free communication?

Have you seen a doctor for your depression and are you seeing a therapist? Being able to talk to a professional can often help take some of the pressure off our loved ones.

[Elana05]

Hi Savvy,

I'm so sorry ot hear things have been extra hard. The important thing is to take care of you. Maybe you could say something to your guy like, " I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and what that mean is this... you can't fix it for me and and you didn't do anything to cause it. I'm just having a bad day today but it feels nice to hear your voice."

I guess one thing that has helped in my relationship is that my partner knows that I am "working on it." So it is important that I keep going to therapy etc. So she know she doesn't have to try and fix it because I am doing that.

Does your husband feel guilty because he thinks his leaving causes your depression to get worse? If you think that may be part of it... maybe you could talk over this specific thing with a couples therapist. It could be confusing because it is totally normal to have his leaving make you sad. Are you in therpay now?

I have found therapy super helpful to understand where my emotions are getting pushed and pulled (in my relationship) and this helps me explain things more clearly to my partner.

Sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

E

[SavvySpirit]

Sigh... I had so much written and this STUPID WINDOWS PROGRAM DELETED IT!!! I miss my Mac...

Anyway!! Thank you all for your thoughts! They're great and hugely helpful! I will say that I do not at this point have a doctor of any kind. I've never been officially diagnosed with Depression, or anything I else I might have, but it's kind of obvious that there's something wrong with me, and that's probably a safe guess. We do have plans to get me someone as soon as some money gets freed up (anyone want a horse?!). That said, when the time comes for me to get a therapist, hubby will definitely be joining me. I don't think we'll do couple therapy, as we make it through our problems very well together, and we're not lost yet. But I do want the three of us to meet up sometime and have a good talk.

Perna, that's an excellant point. I do need to realize that he loves me and that just because I think everyone is out to make me miserable, he's not. And I do understand that I'm very frustrating to deal with to a normal person, I just need to try to remember that when we get frustrated with each other.

And Elana, thanks! I'll definitely be telling him that now. I don't have a therapist yet, but that's a huge reason that I joined PC. I needed some new ears to talk to you, some friends that are there for the reason that I needed, and it's helped me tons to be able to put all my problems out there and get fresh perspective. So, in a way, this is me helping myself. I'll have to let him see how everyone is on here so that he understands that I'm trying to heal, not just sit on the computer all night.

[Butterflyangel]

I think sunsetsunrise is right. He needs to have an idea of what you are going through. I'm currently having the same problem with my husband. But here is something that a friend shared with me. Maybe you could share it with him. I hope it helps.
Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful
illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows
through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on
herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of
tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and
motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

Tell him it's not his fault. He just needs to be patientwith you, and to show you he supports you and that he should not blame himself for the depression. Tell him that it will help you to here we will get through this together.

[SavvySpirit]

That's really great Butterfly!! Thank you so much, it's perfect! I'm going to email it to him as soon as I can! I think that's exactly the sort of thing that he'll understand when he reads it, instead of always just hearing it from me.