[AloneWithBetrayel]

I am new to this. I consider my life to be full of unfortunate events and another event just happened so I came here for help. I was previously severely depressed about five years ago and I am afraid of going back to depression. I'll explain my life below. I would appreciate any help or advice.

My Childhood:
I grew up emotionally abused my my mom, dad, sister, and brother. I am the youngest. We were never raised to be friendly to each other. It was the opposite; we were praised on putting other people down. My older siblings would blame everything on me because I was the youngest. I always took the blame and they always took their emotions out on me. If I walked too close to my sister, she would kick me. Every time my brother entered a room I was in, he would punch me and call me fat. Whenever I told my mom, she would just say I must have done something to deserve it. My mom would have huge mood swings and would stomp around the house yelling bloody murder. She would chase me around the house and if she caught me, she would shake me, squeeze me, spit on me, and hit me. My dad was emotionally abusive and very controlling and would not let me make my own decisions (he still doesn't). When he was angry, he would push me around until my mom made him stop. I would spend hours in hiding. My parents always talked about how I was a failure. My mom would tell me I'm not pretty or a good person and she failed with me. I knew it wasn't true, though. I am the most harmless person who is nice and cares for everyone but I don't show them who I am. Growing up, I also had a speech impediment until high school so I would shy away from talking to people as much as I could. When I was about 10 years old, I would think about committing suicide but never acted.

Middle School:
When I was 12, we moved and I had to make all new friends. I had two best friends who would constantly put me down to raise their self-esteem. I even had many rumors spread about me that weren't true at all but everyone in middle school would give me looks and talk about me. I was the new kid who was a "*****." This isn't true though. I felt hopeless and I did not understand why anybody would want to be friends with me or want me to be their girlfriend.

High School:
This turned around freshman year of high school when I met a boy who was new. We had instant attraction and we started dating. He was my first boyfriend. He didn't treat me well but I was just grateful to have a boyfriend. Later on in the relationship, he wanted to sex but I told him I wasn't ready. This didn't stop him, though; he proceeded without my consent. It was a very confusing time for me. He told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, he wanted sex from me, and I wasn't sure to consider it rape because I thought I could have done more to fight him off. I know now that it was indeed rape. A month or two later, he cheated on me. I was so emotionally attached to him since we dated about 7 months so it was very hard on me. This is when I became depressed. I lost friends and wasn't making new ones because I was so emotionally withdrawn. I eventually got out of it with time. I became friends with a guy in my class and he became a good friend of mine for about a year. We developed feelings for each other and started dating. It was AMAZING. He treated me right, took things slowly with me, we were so natural and happy together, it seemed like everything was in its place. He became my family since I didn't feel like I ever had a real family.

Now:
To cut the story short, two years of dating later, he went to college about 8 hours away. He started treating me badly and as I found out today, he cheated on me. Every promise that he has made, he has broken. Everything that I trusted he would never do, he has done. He was my best friend/boyfriend/family and now I feel like I have no one.

I feel like every person in my life has betrayed me. Every family member, friend, and boyfriend. My boyfriend has only gone less than two weeks without seeing me and he has cheated on me. I felt like the last 3 years that built our relationship meant nothing. He doesn't even feel bad. As soon as he got to college, he was even telling everyone I was his ex-girlfriend when I'm not.

I feel lost. I consider myself an emotionally strong person because of everything I've experienced and how I overcame it but I'm just worried this will hurt me so bad that I'll become depressed again.

I lay around all day, I can't get myself to get up and do anything, I barely eat, I don't sleep well, etc.

Thanks for reading this. I'd appreciate any input/help.

I'm sorry you have had such a hard childhood. You were defenseless as a child and years of this abuse has taken it's toll.

Right now your boyfriend has disappointed you. It's sounds as if he does care for you but want's to date other people, which is natural at his age. His behavior is not a reflection on you. Now you need to mourn the loss of this relationship. You will get through this-you've tackled much worse.

Eventually, you will meet someone else. It just takes time. Hugs!

[Lilleth]

Parts of you life reminded me so much of my own past. All I can say to you is you are strong and having been through what you have been. You can be strong again and over come this. I know its hard. I don't think he doesnt love you anymore its just that people grow away from each other at leas he had told you instead of stringing you along. At his age like most guys want to date rather than be in a serious relationship. Please keep strong you have been through much worse.

[Perna]

I think you need to start concentrating on yourself instead of those around you. You are correct in saying that those around you have not been good to you. You need to be good to you and that will attract others who will be good to you too; it can't happen the other way around with others because they can't get to know you and what you want/need as well as you can.

[blueoctober]

Hi AloneWithBetrayel;I am truly sorry you had such a tough childhood. Your strength speaks volumes that you survived that. I have a similar background and sometimes what happens (it did with me) a person can be attracted to a partner that is similar to an abusive parent.

I'm glad you decided to post and you don't mention if you are seeing a therapist. I would suggest doing that. I had wished that I had saw someone in my 20's, but I stuffed my feelings until at 31 I was hospitalized for major depression. You don't need to suffer through this alone and a mental health professional may be the key to starting to heal.

[madisgram]

i'm glad u found us! welcome to pc. you've had lots of abuse and betrayal but what you wrote is true-you are a strong person. many ppl never have to deal with those events. for those of us that have, know that you can build on your inner strengths. i used therapy and support groups to achieve this. it worked for me. i learned how to keep a healthy distance from certain ppl by learning the red flags, as i call them, that i notice in others. i try to be more careful in developing relationships that are healthy. took some practice and more therapy but if sure seems to work.
you deserve good ppl in your life. we all do. it's just learning how to sort out the "weeds" in our garden.

[AloneWithBetrayel]

Thank you everyone for replying, it means a lot! I didn't think so many people would reply. I have not seen a therapist before. I have thought about it but that would just involve my parents and money. And I was able to get out of depression before without therapy. I thought I would do this and later if it's really bad, I might try therapy.
Another thing I didn't mention is that I start college in less than a week. My boyfriend is on semester system so he started earlier and I'm on quarter system so my school starts later. But anyway, I'm hoping college will be a new beginning for me. I was afraid that what recently happened would just make me depressed and would get in the way of making new friends but I'm actually feeling like I can still be myself.
I will try to listen to all of you!