Why I go quietly

I fight my feelings for weeks; I even give into the SI...just so I don't have to post in these forums; Why?

How can one who feels like she has the entire weight of the world of her shoulders & is fighting off the Big "S", in good conscious, come to this forum & feel like she doesn't have the right (OR the energy)
to "rally for a position to post" when all she sees is the entire "index" chocked full of "red triggers?"

This why...

I think most people feel they don't "deserve" to post sometimes... I know I do
And with SI no one else is there to judge unless stitches are necessary or the cuts cant be hidden
Yep I feel like going quietly away .... a lot.
Blech
Fuzzy

I've been on a posting binge the last few weeks. I hate needing help and I feel like every time I start a new topic people are going to go ":groooaaaan: Not ANOTHER one."

Join the guilty conscious club.

((((((((((((Dayzee9))))))))))

Agreed..... I so relate

grrrrrrr
Fuzzy

I HATE needing help
I HATE asking for help
I HATE being judged

When I'm in an emotional state all I care about is my pain, not others. I do not post to others very often if I'm completely emotional. I also feel guilty about this, as everyone is entitled to feedback....but some days all I can do is shake and tremble waiting for that one person to reply to my posts...and one is not enough....I must have a ton! So I seem needier and also wonder if I should be posting at all.

((((dayzee)))
I understand.
Hang in there.
We are here for you.
Stay safe!

SusanJane

dayzee, hang in there. you're a strong woman and i believe that this will pass. pat

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Fuzzybear said:
Agreed..... I so relate

grrrrrrr
Fuzzy

I HATE needing help
I HATE asking for help
I HATE being judged

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are so not alone! I know exactly how you feel! Seems like I've been "living" here too long and I just want to go home. I sit, and I try NOT to think, NOT to feel, NOT to do anything to make the pain worse. I'm on welbutrin for about three weeks, and started at 75mgs, and yesterday the doc upped it so I'm waiting for the higher dose to kick in. For me, that week or two every month when "Aunt Flow" is in town is the hardest because right now for example the meds do not feel like they are working. I know they are because I'm just barely able to function and "the montser" is still locked behind a door.

When is this supposed to end? When can I have A life again? When do I stop having to fight the pain all the time? Can I go home now??? Please??? I'm a good girl, I've always been good and I want to know, need to know, why I'm being punished this way???

All the people are in the forums to help support each other. Post as much as you want and people will always be hear to offer support

Not me, I've decided I'm going to go kicking and screaming...

I was sitting in a group discussion and somebody read off the statistic that one in five experience depression. I could see the other group members counting off to see how many of the group might be depressed based on the numbers. Really a waste of time, we were in a depression group.

Sometimes it's a Good Thing seeing how you are relating to your world at that moment when compared to others around you. Kind of like the "a good day to a hunchback is to see another hunchback with a bigger hump" way of thinking. Depressed people vaguely remember feeling good, in a detached sort of way; "it was a long time ago so maybe I'm mistaken." There is bummercentrism- "this is only happening to me: nobody has ever felt the way I do". Sadly, we are all Bozos on this bus, we all take our turn in the tub, we all resort to demeaning cliches'. I know I'm going to cycle around and feel like pond scum, chemistry and past history says so- but I write in my journal about how great it is to feel great as I'm feeling great and it gives me hope; I remind myself that I'll get through it again, that S holds no power over me. I write letters to my future-depressed self reassuring myself that feeling crummy will be short-termed, even though time seems to slow.

Ever see that clip of the Special Olympics race where one participant falls down? The other racers go back, help him up, brush him off, and they all cross the finish line together. Maybe we aren't good enough athletes for the SO but we sure can help each other. And we do; we have a higher level of empathy than those poor "normals". I wouldn't have it any other way. Look at this site- we voluntarily come here for support and to support others- those other poor misguided people just go to sites to complain or feed their appetites.

Eventually, I know I'll cycle again; it's so much more comforting to know I can come here where others know exactly what I'm experiencing. I know that I will be encouraged and supported, that I'll make comments about being a pest and complaining again; that everybody will tell me "shut up, we are going to help you whether you want it or not", which, after all, is what I really needed to hear to get me through the next hour...

(((((((((((((((Dayzee))))))))))))))))