[Bluesummers]

This may take a bit, so if its long, please forgive me. Where to begin... Well, for time, things were going, I would say were going decent. I was getting out once in a while, I had a girlfriend, who I met on an online MMORPG. And she was and is, who she says she is, lol. We were together for 3 and a bit months I think it was. And then she decided to break up with me. As far as I can tell because, shes not had much love and attention growing up, and she reached a point she didn't really know how to keep handling me emotionally. At least thats what shes roughly explained to me over our a couple of our last conversations.

For the past month and a half, I've been feeling terrible. Which sort of makes sense. I'm over being cross about it I think. I'm just deeply depressed. I was a good boyfriend to her I feel. Gave her my time, money, effort, love, attention, compassion, ect.

Since the break up, I've felt like, it doesn't matter how good I am, in the end, I'm just not good enough for any woman out there to want me for long enough I suppose. I REALLY REALLY, want not to be alone. I know its a bad thing, but I have to be honest if I'm to be helped, I'm desperate to feel loved again. Being in love, is the only thing in my life, I've found that makes me enjoy life. I find alone, I have no reason to want to exist. I find I don't really desire too much to live for myself. With someone else around to bounce off of, to make me smile, and make me feel loved, yes, I can wake up, and feel ok, or at least okayish.

Like this, I.. and I'm embarassed to say this, but I don't take very good physical care of myself. As in I choose not to bathe. I will occassionally shave, just because its a nauisence if I don't past a certain point. And I rarely brush my teeth. I feel very ashemed having to admit this. I can't say fully understand it. Its not like I lack the time to do it, but I just... can't be bothered..

When I was in my last relationship, I did make an effort to brush my teeth, shower at least sometimes, and shave. I think having someone I really wanted to try for, prehaps helped me achieve this. I even went to see an optiction on her advice, and got myself some glasses. Since things ended, everything has sort of stopped.

Its not just that. I find myself eating more than I want to. Out of boredom and loneliness. I would say my figure is about average, but still, I've probably put back on the stone I lost while I was with her, and bothered to get regular exercise. I feel like I have only a couple of friends, I can really turn to, and talk about any problems.(my lack of taking care of myself, I've only ever told one person about before this... A now ex-girlfriend of mine, who said it was an issue for her sometimes too.)

I feel, like I'm just passing down the days till I take the flight to go on a trip I'd planned, to visit my ex when I was still with her. I still intend to go, because the past two times, I've booked something like this, I had to cancel, and frankly, I want to do it anyways, and go out to the states, and see if I can't at least enjoy the time at an anime convention I'll be going to, and the dressing up. It feels so surreal though, like, my life is about to end. I don't think it nesserilly is.(besides I'm a bit too cowardly to try and end my life I think)

I've tried to be social on the computer, make some new friends, but I'm struggling a bit. I think its because I'm just so tired of trying with things, only for them to go puff in my face.. It seems it reaches a point, where its just like... why bother.. I mean I know why I'd want to keep bothering, but.. still, I think you can get what I mean. I've also gone a number of times to a couple of social groups for people with issues such as myself, but this doesn't seem to work either. If I'm being honest because, I think its because theres no people in a hurry that are my age, who go to them.

And then theres how lonely I feel.. Well, I'm going to use a term thats making me chuckle just thinking about it, but lets say my chicken is choked often. I think thats kinda normal though if your very lonely. Erm, besides this, off the top of my head. Other facts to know I suppose, are, I've never done anything with a lady physically. Also I've never been kissed on the lips romantically. Over the computer is different. I've done texterual intercourse I suppose you could call it.(as in typing what you'd wanna do and vice versa) Also, I'm not a, camera virgin.(Only once did I ever do that for someone who wasn't my girlfriend.)

Wow... thats a lot of personal, and humilating stuff I just wrote... Well.. be kind please.. I feel disgusting.. .-.

I'll try to take help and advice on board.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Bluesummers!

Planning on visiting the States, attending an anime convention and participating in cosplay, yes? That really sounds exciting! Depression can take the life out of adventures, but I truly hope your spirit allows you to take in all those wonderful events offer.

Speculation: From your descriptions -- losing and gaining weight, apathy toward hygiene, etc. -- it does sound as if you may have been struggling with depression for some time, and the breakup has simply intensified what was already there. Is it possible to get a full health check-up where you can also talk about how you are feeling?

As for relationships, I'm not the one to ask. My observation is good things tend to appear when you're not looking for them.

Be at home here, Bluesummers.

[Bluesummers]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Bluesummers!

Planning on visiting the States, attending an anime convention and participating in cosplay, yes? That really sounds exciting! Depression can take the life out of adventures, but I truly hope your spirit allows you to take in all those wonderful events offer.

Speculation: From your descriptions -- losing and gaining weight, apathy toward hygiene, etc. -- it does sound as if you may have been struggling with depression for some time, and the breakup has simply intensified what was already there. Is it possible to get a full health check-up where you can also talk about how you are feeling?

As for relationships, I'm not the one to ask. My observation is good things tend to appear when you're not looking for them.

Be at home here, Bluesummers.

Hello, thank you for coming to my thread, and offering up some help. I must admit, when I originally planned it all. It sounded just great. I was pretty happy, and looking forward to it. Its just, with the break up, and my downward spiral since, I suppose its lost its edge. I hope if nothing else, a mutual friend of ours, whos also going to the con, will prehaps distract me from the pain, and prehaps introduce me to new people, maybe I can feel better about myself at the convention. Its wishful thinking prehaps, but, what can ya do besides hope for the best on it?

Anyway, in regards to your speculation, it would be fair to say, I've been dealing with at least some of these issues for years, and the only time they seem to really improve is when I'm with someone I really enjoy being with. This usually falls under them being female, single and attractive to me, if I'm honest, lol. I suppose, it comes back to romance being able to make me feel alive and kicking.

*sigh* And losing that, as always, brings me crashing into misery. I think this one really troubles me, because, I was as good a boyfriend as I thought I could possibly be, and a good person. Even if she might be rough with me sometimes in terms of treatment, I'd still turn around and say I loved her, and that she was a good girlfriend. Even after the break up, naturally we've had some fights, but really, I've been really good about things, and patient in getting answers. Given her time and space too. And yet, for all that quality, its like I'm no better off than when I used to be a poorer human being. It hurts, theres, just no justice that can make it better I suppose. Sorry, I'm rambling probably, but its likely good I get these thoughts written out.

Sorry about that, but as to whether I can see someone for a full health check up, I think it would be possible. I can get some help from a local support group, so I can have someone come to the doctors with me, and explain things a bit. So, I would say its possible, and I'm thinking on it since you said it. Theres about 4 days until I start my journey out there though, so it would likely have to be after I go there.

[Rohag]

G'day, Bluesummers!

Originally Posted by Bluesummers

...maybe I can feel better about myself at the convention. Its wishful thinking prehaps, but, what can ya do besides hope for the best on it?

Agreed. I really do hope you can find enjoyment throughout the trip. It's a great opportunity, not only for general fun, but also for getting some distance from the trauma of the breakup.

By the way, the reason I specified "full health check-up" is that other problems, such as hypothyroid, anaemia, and certain vitamin deficiencies have similar symptoms -- and can exist alongside depression. Also, depression can be the first presentation heralding other illnesses. It's best to rule as much out as possible.

All the best to you, Bluesummers, and enjoy your holiday!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Hmm, I understand a lot of what you're going through. A lot of it is what I've currently been dealing with so I can empathize.

This trip will surely help you get your mind off things, I find it's always helpful to go out and enjoy myself if life is getting to me.

Keep posting though, it helps to let it all out sometimes! If you have any friends or family around you, maybe not too close with them but even if people you talk to once in a while, why not call them up and see a movie or something? It's also good for a distraction, you don't have to talk, and when you're watching a movie it pulls you out of reality for two hours doesn't it?

It's good that you have a support group nearby and you can visit the doctors. I hope you feel better soon, I know it's hard, but I believe you can make it through