the same old sh*&

so um, i feel like crap....i think im coming down with something. anyway i still dont have a therapist and for some reason its especially hard finding the right therapist over the internet. i try to stay sane regardless of the major depression, the agoraphobia, and the chronic lonliness. nothings going to change unless i take drastic actions, get out of my comfort zone. is it insane to try to do all of this alone? this sh*& is so hard its ridiculous. Its hard cuz sometimes i think im worthless and sometimes i think im too hard on myself. i know im sick but sometimes i think i should have a job and be doing things that most of my old friends are doing with their lives. my depression and anxiety is really starting to piss me off. i dont think i will be able to take this much longer. i really need to stop talking and start acting, but the lack of support is disabling.

iI totally get it. I to feel worthless, I should be out there working etc. To make matters worse all of my husbands friends have stopped coming around and it was just a year ago that they did come on race days, we would all have so much fun etc. But I have a temper and i went off on one of them one day and now he is ruthless with rumors about me so no one comes by. I have many issues as to why I don't work, but I need to get out there and try because my husband is trying to file bankruptsy due to the fact we can't pay the medical bills, and we had no choice but to live off our credit cards maxing them out. He needs my help, but with the few applications I have filled out they know I am sick so they won't hire me without a doctors release, which at the moment he refuses to give me one. He feels that if I go out and work, I may fail and by failing it may cause me to be suicidal again. I also am still recovering from cancer, and it may be back, we don't know yet.

I can't tell you to hang in there, how can I when I dont feel like hanging on myself? What I can say is I understand and you feel free to vent anything you wish to me anytime ok? I hope that helps a little.

thanks for the support. i hope you can find some strength within yourself to keep going. you can also send me a private message anytime

Exactly! Depression is a serious illness. A person who's suffered a serious injury needs doctors, physical therapists, and time to regain some level of functioning...
No, not insane, but less than optimal. Here's part of the cruelty of depression: to combat this illness we need help, and the illness drains us of the will, energy, imagination, strength required to reach out or keep reaching out for help.

You are so right, So_punk_rock. Here's hoping you and all who are in need find some way to get the right help.