[jazzy123456]

I'm crying. I'm in pain. I want it to end. I want everything to end. Yet, I keep going...deep inside I want it all to end. I wish everything could end. I strive to do everything right and constantly fail. I strive to make sure I help, nurture and please other people because I care but, its never good enough and I always fall short. deep inside, i have those thoughts---thoughts that i want everything to end. thoughts i will not act on. thoughts that cut at me..that make me want to scream...that make me feel like SOMEONE ...ANYONE should know...but, instead I'll probably just eat---as a comfort---go to bed tonight with another bad dream and wake up to a constant dream that is all the same...people say be optimistic and i've tried and i keep trying but, its very very hard. i try to be less condependent and more independent..but its very very very hard...i try to be sooo much...i don't understand why the minute we show up in the world people are trying to strip us of who we are, not only the positive but, the negative...of course, some things are unacceptable...but, some negative traits u have are just a part of being human....is it okay that I'm just human? is that okay? because it obviously feels like its not okay. i want to give up on myself. i want to give up on everything. i want to leave this house. i feel trapped and alone. i feel like i am suffocating sometimes when i am hanging out with friends, or going to see a movie...i smile but, i feel like i'm suffocating.--truly...really...I'm sick of everything. i feel useless and unimportant. tear**

[Lizabelle]

I understand some of what you are going through, Razz. I feel like that almost every time I "wake up" after another night of insomnia and being stuck alone with my thoughts......
It is normal to be human. I remember especially that one time my mom had to tell my dad that I am not one of his rechargeable electric saws or something. He depends on me a lot, like the rest of my family does. But what people tend to not understand is that everyone is human, and eveyone will fall short at something.
I also feel trapped, a lot. But I want to suggest something to you. Are you seeing a counselor? Because if you aren't, they can help. A lot. They are someone to talk to and someone with advice. I do not know how old you are, but if you are still going to school, maybe you could talk to the school counselor? That is what I am going to try on Monday.
I know that thoughts can cut way more than knives, and that is one of the reasons why I am suggesting this to you. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, and I want to help. So just think about that. If you decide to see somebody, then I wish you luck. And I will wish you luck even if you don't.
Now you have to wish me luck on not chickening out of talking to my counselor!

[lonegael]

Toughgirl, wht a great metaphore about the rechargeable saw! You have a clever mom! Jazzy, if you want to leave the house, maybe that's what you need to do, temporarily, at least. Get out. Take a long walk or a short walk. just out and go. don't give yourself too much time to think about it or prepare for it or even think aloe the way, just go, then turn back when you think it's time. I know that might not be quite what you mean, but it might bet your blood flowing, help your body function a wee bit better, clear your mind a bit. It helps me when the depression makes me feel like the mother of all slugs. The i can't get started on anything, much less think straight.
Otherwise i can do little more than listen and nod and say, yess, I hear you. I know what you say, because I have felt it and will most likely feel it again. My body still aches with it if I think about it too long. I have friends still trapped in it. while one is in it, it is hard to see the end of it, and to feel the edges, but it does not stretch into infinity. It can't. Remember that. HUGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS. I hope that the clouds clear for you soon, dear.

[jazzy123456]

thanks toughgirl and lonegal