[Purplechick]

Thank you for your continued support. I have just had my weekly therapy session and we were discussing some of the points that my discussions with you have raised.
The difficulty talking out loud about my thoughts or expressing my needs prob stems from childhood where I had to grow up fast and be a "mini adult". I feel I had to "keep my own counsel" and look after myself and care for my family. I feel I am having to learn now how to express my thoughts and needs- I feel like kid learning a new skill. And I find I am not coping well when I do ask for help and it gets misunderstood or misconstrued and it kind of reinforces why it's better to just not bother to ask for help cos you'll only upset someone or be a nuisance.
Then my therapist and I spoke of my suicidal thoughts. I said i had been looking at my calendar to identify the next opportunity. She made a throwaway comment that my setting a date in my head had become a "habit". That was the word she used. I am struggling to describe to myself what it feels like to have it described in that way. I'm quite cross to have it described as a habit. I have set several dates but never done more than cut or take a mini overdose and that has been to act as a sort of valve so i didnt go through with more. But that has been because I have fought the feelings, the urges, not just "changed my mind". It has taken so much strength and self control on each occasion and she knows this cos I have told her. There seems to be this feeling in my cmht that I won't actually go through with it as i have never actually, properly attempted suicide before and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I believe it's merely a matter of time - that I will not have the strength one day to fight the urges. But maybe they are right - I won't do it, it's a habit. But you know I feel a bit hurt. I feel a bit invalidated, like she doesn't take me seriously. Surely nobody messes around with such thoughts? When I think of the knots I tie myself in with the ambivalent, conflicting thoughts, the sense of guilt and shame to be even thinking such evil thoughts.........and it's a habit........ Is that a good thing that it's a habit? Does it make it a lesser thing? I don't know now, I've got confused...........
Why did she say it's a habit? It's the only answer I see to ease this pain, to stop this nightmare that is ironically called my life...........

[ECHOES]

I don't think she's judging by calling it a habit. I think she's just noticing. I think maybe she would like you to think about what it is that makes you decide to choose a date - what happens right before you do that - what is it that stimulates the thought in you that you should look at the calendar and choose a date.
Does that make sense?
Because it sounds like it's a reaction to something.
Is it something in therapy that happens (or doesn't happen).
Is it something outside of therapy that happens (or doesn't happen).
Is it anger, desire for revenge, feeling hopeless, feeling overwhelmed, feeling not heard, feeling alone, etc.
Discovering what this is that makes you go to your calendar can give be very helpful to you, can give you insight into how you react to things that are important to you.
I say this because I believe that suicidal thoughts can be learned from.
And they are just thoughts, that don't require action.
They speak of other things, they say "I hurt *this* much!"
So, if we can notice the process (habit, if you will) of how this happens.. what happens that first turns your thoughts to thoughts of suicide, what is it that feels so painful, so overwhelming. It does not have to be something highly dramatic or severe, it can be just something that is overwhelming at the time and that seems as if there is no way out.

Habit is just a word. It just means there is a repeated pattern, that's all. What's important is what that pattern is and how you can learn from it and grow and feel much better

[Leed]

Hi PurpleChick ~ I PRAY you don't go thru with it. It is such a waste of a beautiful life. Remember: It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem ! ANY problem can be solved if we work at it. The sames goes for our mental problems. And thinking of suicide IS a mental problem. I've had occasional thoughts of it too, but I would NEVER do it. I've thought of it because I'm in constant, never-ending pain -- and i have been for 25 years. I'm so tired of being in severe pain -- that even death sounds good. But I couldn't do it because it would hurt my family.

You see, when we do something like that, we affect others terribly!! Our friends and our families are devastated -- and they carry that around for years. That's not fair to put them thru that. God gave us life and we're obligated to take care of that gift. If we have problems, then we must do something about it. I know you ARE doing something - sometimes it just takes awhile to do it.

Your therapist wasn't judging you. She wasn't making light of it. She knows it's a serious issue. She just used a poor choice of words. I know she didn't mean to make it sound like that. Therapists are people too - sometimes they stick their foot in their mouth. LOL Just forget that, and move on. She cares about you - there's no doubt about it.

God bless you dearheart - and try to figure out why you think of killing yourself. We want you HERE. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee