[Winter Moon]

It's very much like sinking in a pool of deep water.
The farther down you go, the harder it gets to breathe. And you didn't even notice that you had started going down until you looked up and saw the surface, so far above you. Then you think, "What's the point? It's already so far away." As you start to lose sight of the sky above you, you start wishing for death. An escape. Anything to stop the seemingly endless struggle.

I'm finding it hard to do anything but sit at the computer and recolor pokemon sprites, or click endlessly on the adoptables site i'm part of. Or talk to people on here. Because everything else takes too damn much energy.
My grades are starting to slip. Becuase if the assignment isn't an easy one, I can't be bothered. I'm not going to graduate probably, because I'm a senior and haven't even started the senior project yet. Which terrifies me to no end. But I just... can't be bothered to do anything about it. "I'm screwed anyway," I figure. "So why bother?"

My counselor called my mom and told her that I'm having depression and panic issues. She called one of the numbers the counselor gave her, and hasn't done anything since. It's like she doesn't care at all. Or she's ignoring it. Which is fine by me.
Becuase then she won't bother me about not eating hardly anything at all. She won't be on the lookout for self-inflicted injuries. Which I'll probably have more of by the end of the night.

And I'm certainly not going to bother her about it. Becuase I'm such a phoenominal liar that she never knew anything was wrong in the first place. So she won't see the severity of it. And I'm definately not talking to her, or anyone else, about the need to rip skin off of my arms. Or the plan I have for suicide.
Hell, my best friend irl is starting to be a trigger because she worries about me. And she doesn't know half of it. I'm not going to live with my mom after I've essentially told her to watch my every movement.

I've even realized that I'm the cause of all of it. I'm stupid, and lazy, and a horrible person. So I don't deserve help anyway. It's just karma doing its job. Trying to get rid of me, like it should.

I just don't know why I bother waking up in the morning, when I don't want to wake up at all. Why I bother to eat when I feel disgusting after I do. This life isn't worth living if I'm going to have to suffer through it.

I can't kill myself. It'd destroy my mom, and my cat and turtle would have nowhere to go.

But I can't keep living this way.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I know I'll be told to talk to my school counselor or my mom. Or a suicide hotline. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

Thanks for listening.
I hope that all of you are doing better than I am.

[Leed]

Hi - I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Believe me, I remember feeling like that - especially in my younger years. Being a teenager is horrible. I would NEVER go back to those years for all the money on earth. It was too darn painful. Nothing seemed to make sense, my parents didn't give a hoot, and I had no one to talk to about anything. At least when you're an adult and working, you can go see a counselor and they won't tell your parents! LOL

I've been in and out of therapy most of my adult life - and all & all it has done me a lot of good. One therapist was a real jerk and I was a basket case so I wasn't sure what was up but he molested me. Needless to say shortly after that I committed myself to a mental ward for 2 weeks. The last therapist I saw was awesome - she showed me how to take my power back, so I didn't have "walk on me" pasted on my forehead. lol Perhaps therapy IS what you need. If nothing else, you need someone to talk to. You have some issues that need to come out. And it takes a trained therapist to deal with those.

You ARE an important person, dearheart. You MATTER in this world. God put you here for a reason - now you have to find out what that reason is. It takes a while, but you'll figure it out. You are NOT stupid OR lazy. And YES you do deserve help!! Something that you don't know about caused you to feel this way - and it's undoubtedly not your fault. It hardly ever is.

So please - get an appointment with a therapist, will you? You're to vital a person to waste. God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers. And please--keep us posted on how you're doing?? Hugs, Lee

[Lizabelle]

Moon, I know you. I also know how you are feeling. For weeks, that is almost exactly how I was. Just sitting there, wishing you were dead. It IS awful. But as you have proved, by continuing to post here, talking helps you feel better. I agree with Leed- therapy would likely help you a lot. And you ARE NOT stupid. You ARE NOT lazy. You ARE NOT a horrible person. You ARE a WONDERFUL person, a great listener, and one of my best friends on here, even if the Mayla doesn't feel the same way.

It would be a crime to waste such a wonderful person, and a great friend. Please, if your mom won't do anything about it, go to a clinic yourself. Therapy is probably the best thing for you right now!!!

Keep safe and keep in touch!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Winter Moon]

Can't see a therapist or a clinic without my mom doing something about it. :/

I really appreciate all the kind words, even if I know they aren't true.