Same as it ever was.

Here I am. Same place I've been for 5 years. Going nowhere. Being worthless. Wanting to be non-existent.

Disability case in limbo. Anxiety a daily visitor. Scared I'll be out on the streets tomorrow. Feel pressured to get a job - right now. The idea of 40 hours a week after 5 years of unemployment overwhelms me. No references. Unreliable. Hopeless?

Found 1 job in a sea of postings that seemed like something I could do. Part time. Put together a resume and cover letter. Imperfect. Now I'm waiting. Only been a day and already I feel rejected.

And pressure from external sources has started. I move an inch, and people want a mile. Offering suggestions about job opportunities. Suggesting I get a job that would require me to move out. Feel unwanted. Feel overwhelmed.

Want to be alone. Left alone. For life. Society says no. That pisses me off. They have the upper hand. Homelessness is not being alone. It is an implicit threat that few recognize.

Don't like the world. Capitalist. Greedy. Judgmental. Conformist. Shallow. Compassionless. Homeless pets get more compassion than homeless people.

Pets also get put down when they're sick. I'm sick. I want to be put down humanely.

I feel little happiness. Can be distracted by television and the internet on occasion, but the sadness rarely dissipates. When it does, it is brief and I immediately start feeling guilty that I haven't gotten a job since I've been okay for a day. Some days I'm just numb. Don't know if that's better or worse than sadness.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

These words are nothing new. I've been here so long. You've heard them before. Are you sick of them yet? Are you sick of me? I am.

Therapy on Friday. New therapist. Still scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of disbelief. Scared of being better. Scared that I never will be.

Sick of the rain. Used to like rain, though I never lived in a place where it rained this much. No umbrella. Still wet from my brief trek outdoors.

Yet another reason to never leave.

People drain me. People are a mystery to me. People judge me. I judge people. People hurt me. I hurt people. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to hurt people.

Same as it ever was. Same as it ever will be?

Eloquent, and much of what you say strikes close.

Employment: You most probably need active help returning to the work force, not just suggestions. You've long been out and your condition remains debilitating, regardless of what Social Security may say. It may be best to find that help first before trying to find work.

Talk to your lawyer.
Talk to your therapist.
Call 2-1-1.

Chad,

I second Rohag's comment about what you wrote being "eloquent." You have a gift for using words to help us visualize your feelings and situation.

People often are full of empty advice as if it were so easy. I guess we just have to think that they aren't in our bodies and don't know how we feel.

All I can say is I'm glad you keep coming to this website; at least you are getting some of aingst out in writing.

Z