[carrie-19]

Apologies for the another thread by me,I know the other one i started is still floating around down there, but this is somewhat different to that thread.

I'm not sure if this is the right thread , but I'm gonna give it a go anyway.

My stupid self destructive self is slowly manifesting to something worse and worse. It's not just SIing (which I've started up again hurray), I've done things that make me upset and anxious just thinking about it.Stupid mistakes that I can't take back,that I know aren't going to end well. I'm not sure how long I'm going to go on like this, something has to happen, whether I go talk to someone or I finally get the courage just to take that big leap. Idk , I'm sorry if this is confusing to people reading this, I'm really just venting. I just want something, I feel so worthless, I can't do anything right,ever .

I know what people are going to say, are you seeing a T etc., no I'm not at the moment. I used to have one,but we never got on, and I never found therapy helpful.They always ask such trivial questions and discuss things which really aren'y helpful at all. I'm not sure if I'm asking for help, or just venting.I don't think I even want help,I don't deserve any.

Last night I went out with my friends for my birthday, and it was just..horrible. It shouldn't have been though. I made another stupid mistake,spent the rest of the night crying and avoiding eye contact with everyone because I felt so worthless. I'm not sure where I'd be without my friends, they all agreed we should go home and said I could stay with them until I felt better, but me being me, I declined,went home, and tried to end it all andnd the fact that I didn't even suceed in that shows how much of a failure I really am

I'm sorry this post is so long, and if youve taken time to read it all thankyou

[Omers]

Hey,
Yes, you do deserve help. What is it that you needed to talk about that your T wouldn't talk about? If I am not being too bold... Just want you to feel heard.

[darco]

Dont know if this post will be of any help......I have been diagnosed with depression very late in my life, been given my pills and referred to a councillor....which I all stopped after 4 months! Me personally just could not handle it which had a lot to do with the way I was brought up....suck it up and get on with it! But I do believe that if if was more accepted in my society earlier on I will be better adjusted now.

I did not have much of a chance I suppose since my mum and more than 60% of my family are either depressed, alcoholics or admitted to mental institutions.

All I can say is that if there is any way for you to get the help you need then take it even if you have to try different options...dont give up at the first hurdle. It is not our fold for feeling like we do!!!!! and we deserve the help that is out there!! but we also reserve the right to make changes that best support us!

All the best
Tc
xx

[Rohag]

Happy Birthday, Carrie-19!

In an earlier post you mentioned you had been diagnosed with both depression and dysthymia, yes? Either one is bad and together they're worse. Regardless, the intensity and depth of your distress is apparent. As much as possible, please be gentle with yourself. You are more than your feelings.

Be safe

[carrie-19]

i did have a reply typed out,but im afraid it seems to have disapeared.
But thankyou everyone for all your kind words.

Omers, I just wanted my T to discuss my emotions and feelings which were at the time quite confusing so that I could get a better understanding of myself. But this may have been a fault on my part as im really not good at expressing myself.

Ive just called a good friend of mine who knows me pretty well,after a talk i eventually promised him i'd make an appt with my gp or a councillor sometime this week. i wish i hadnt promised this, going to be very busy and not in thr right frame of mind to do this.
thank you for the birthday wishes but its actually in 4 days time but again thankyou,its nice to know that someone out there is listening.

[Omers]

I suck at the emotions/expressing myself thing too... unless you piss me off! LOL then I go all New York. I love the little emoticons on here.. wish I could bring them with me to throw at T! They even come with definitions! Love it!
As much as I hate it journaling can sometimes help with that. A lot of times I also write a letter to my T between sessions. I have a week to keep revising it before the next session (when we meet weekly) and keep revising it over and over until it feels right.

[notablackbarbie]

Happy belated birthday carrie-19! I am sorry you are suffering so much right now. As much as u safely can - verbally, on paper, online - keep trying to reach out. Dont keep the pain inside to fester, burn, and hurt more. You are more than that...

Hello, carrie-19. I am sorry you are experiencing such difficulties. You are in my thoughts.