Want to die..I'm going against the grain...

This is a horrible day.

I got up and was already in a bad mood because of a mean thing my brother-in-law did. Then I opened my email and found a CARBON COPY of an email that my boss had sent to HR saying that they won't be keeping me, even "casual" and that if I want to work there, I need to apply all over again.
I get this on Christmas Eve. I had called my manager to see if she needed me to work this week and I never got a call. I talked to her last week and we both agreed that I was going to go to "casual" status. And now I get this shock from an email that was a carbon copy!
I then started hurting my arm with a screwdriver. I've been yelling at my partner, and his family surely thinks I'm crazy.
I called my Mom telling her I want to die. My partner talked to me and calmed me down but I still am in shock. I was so sure that at least I still had my job. I feel stabbed in the stomach.
I keep thinking that I should be dead and that I'm still alive means I'm going against the grain...I mean horrible things just keep happening to me. And instead of my family wanting to have peace in death, they want me to keep suffering.
I'm sorry if this is not the most coherent email I've written. I just am beyond shock.

Z

I'm so sorry you got this disappointing shocking news at Christmas - too bad they didn't have the decency and compassion to pick a better time. Please don't let this get you down - you can look for another job but no one can replace you. For now put all these things on the back burner. Unfortunately there are some heartless people out there but you can't let them win. Here's a compassionate website to look at:
hyyp://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I hear you saying you feel shocked and it sounds like you feel betrayed since your manager told you one thing and is doing another. Christmas Eve is a horrible time to get this news.

First, when you say you hurt yourself with a screwdriver, is it something that you need to have checked out by a doctor? Along those same lines, would it be beneficial for you to check yourself into a hospital to deal with your suicidal thoughts at the moment? Is there a crisis line in your area you can talk to? I'm worried about you.

I've been very down the last couple of days. Still trying to make it through the holidays. Talked to the dog (god spelled backwards) and asked for a Christmas miracle. I'm not a believer. Pray mostly out of desperation. Prayers have never been answered in the past. I'm adding you to my prayers and hoping you receive a Christmas miracle.

Yes, this is shocking.
I agree. You are of much greater, fundamental importance than any of these circumstances, Mustkeepjob32. Try not to hesitate to seek help. Please keep posting.

Wow, your messages are all so caring, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. It brings tears to my eyes to know that you can understand how shocked I am by these events.

I don't need to go to the ER. It is something I've done occasionally is try to hurt myself with knives or scissors on my arms. My pdoc said it wasn't me trying to kill myself or do "cutting", it was more an act out of total desperation. This time I didn't even break the skin, it just is a deep tissue injury that will leave a bruise. I am not suicidal at this point.
Thanks again to you all,