[ThePainNeverDies]

I have been giving recovery a really good go, I honestly have. I've put a lot of effort into refraining from self harm. I've not self harmed in just over 4 months which is a huge achievement for me. I've had troubles with ED and such but I'm getting over those now and starting to eat so much better than I was. Man, I can hardly stop being hungry because my metabolism's shot right up!

But right now, I'm starting to struggle more than I have been. Maybe it's because I'm going home from my fiance's home on Monday and I'm worried about that, but I don't know. I just feel like I want to cry and scream and shout. I really do and I don't understand why

I've been really good drinking herbal tea, eating healthily and letting myself relax with a bath before bed every night and reading, writing and doing my music and modeling.

But tonight I've tried to play my guitar and I just feel like I'm rubbish at it. I feel like the World's most awful model and like I'll never be good enough for anything. Why oh WHY are these feelings coming back???

My Care co-ordinator hasn't seen me in over a month because I've been away and now she's off for a week so when I get back I won't have her support and I don't want to turn to the crisis team because I'm not in crisis... But at the same time I'm so worried about what'll happen when I get home, how I'll feel, what I'll do when I see all those letters and bills piled up on the floor by my door.

I'm not gonna be happy when I walk into that door, I just know my heart will sink and I'll burst into tears. And that'll be the start of yet another break down of some sort. What am I gonna do then?!

I feel so lost and like I'm failing at everything. I'm trying to get a job but nowhere will accept me, I'm trying to do my modeling but it involves traveling and with no money I can't do that. My final shoot here is tomorrow and that'll give me £70 for 2 hours work which is good going but it goes quickly when there are bills and such to pay And that won't even cover a quarter of all the money I owe.

My olod flat mate has really dropped me in the s--t leaving me with 3 months' unpaid bills of his, plus rent AND he didn't tell the council and jobcentre that he'd left. So I've decided eff it. His Mum lied to me saying he'd not moved back in with her but I have since found out he has, so I know she was protecting her own benefits from the government. So I'm gonna drop them ALL in it by telling the jobcentre that he's living there and I'm gonna tell them the truth, that he DID work for 2 weeks while claiming benefits. GRRRR it pisses me off so much!!!

I'm really struggling here guys and totally stuck for how I'll cope when I get home. I don't want to rely on David all the time to keep me oing. I KNOW I can stand on my own two feet but I'm just not ready for the blast I'll get when I go home...

I have a friend coming to stay for 5 days on 20th Jan, which will be a great help. But I'm really not sure how to get through the 10 days before that. I make it all look so easy and fake so much that I'm okay and that I'm happy and not bothered about going home, but deep down I'm panicking, really panicking. I wish I could just SHOW someone that!!!

If I cry now, David will think someone's upset me online or something and I feel like maybe deep down he's thinking 'Oh for goodness sake, here we go again!' whenever I cry or get worried/go silent or something... He says he's not, when I ask, but I can't help but think it must be so annoying and be getting so boring for him now too. He's said he feels frustration because he doesn't know if he's helping and that frustration is towards himself. But he helps more than anyone ever has or will. He does so much for me. I don't understand why I keep going downhill. Maybe I want someone to care for me all the time, be there more often, not just have me myself and I all on my own. I'm so sick of being there on my own.

We've discussed moving in together and we're gonna do taht but we can't do it until either he gets a job where I live or I get a job and save loads of money to live here because it's almost double the cost to rent here or even buy...

Anyway, enough ramblings. I'm so worried

Can anyone help??

thanks for being so supportive everyone, you've all been absolute gems

[Rohag]

New Year's Greetings, ThePainNeverDies! Congratulations on the recovery successes -- you've deserved those!

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

...I'm so worried about what'll happen when I get home, how I'll feel, what I'll do when I see all those letters and bills piled up on the floor by my door.

I can't say I can "help", but here's how I would have to deal with that situation as I get so unsettled by similar:

• Get home and ignore the stack until I was genuinely settled.
• Sort the stack into smaller prioritized stacks and then STOP. Recover.
• When fully recovered, deal the one or two of the first priority items. STOP. Recover.
• Repeat. STOP. Recover. Repeat. STOP. Recover.
• Collapse.

If at any time during this process I felt overwhelmed or felt I was up against something too big, I'd call on whatever support I could for assistance. (Yes, I feel ashamed asking for help with things I used to be able to do on my own, but time and necessity have crushed my pride.)

All the best to you, ThePainNeverDies

[ThePainNeverDies]

Rohag

Thank you for your reply, that is so helpful. I will give that a go. I'm not usually the type to ignore the stack, so I'm expecting to just pick it up, open all of them at once and then be overwhelmed. I will try my best to sort into piles and go through bit by bit.

I'm feeling a little better today. I had a photo shoot with a wonderful photographer and he really made me shine and smile. I felt the colour flow back into my cheeks, especially when his dog leaped on me when I walked in the door. I absolutely adore animals and they always bring out the best in me, so thankfully to Monty (the dog), I did well in the shoot and wasn't distracted by last night.

What happened last night was that my fiance's ol;d 'friend' sent him a Birthday message at 1am basically saying:

"Happy Birthday hun, hope you have a great one. I'll send you a sexy pic to make you hard"
At first when I asked why he sighed, David wouldn't tell me. That's when I knew something was wrong. He told me and I got a bit miffed and upset as any woman would. I wasn't angry with him, I was with her though. She KNOWS we are engaged. I told him that if he'd said first off, I'd have not been so worried but him saying 'it doesn't matter, don't worry' and not telling me at first, made me feel like maybe there was something to hide. They've had a past of flirting and swapping pictures etc. David replied telling her basically where to go. He said to me...

"Honey, I wish she hadn't sent that. We've not spoken in almost a year so I don't get why she suddenly texts me now. She knows we're engaged, I don't understand it. I don't want anything to ruin what we have. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you because of some stupid cow who is embittered because I didn't choose her. I'm sorry"

I've accepted that, but it's hard to because like I said to him. My heart's felt that pain and that panicky feeling of 'oh God what's going on between them???' before and it felt that again when he told me what the message said. It's hard to just ignore that and move on when before I did ignore it and in the end found out there WAS something going on (this was in a past relationship). I trust David wholeheartedly but I don't trust women with him because I am insecure about myself not being good enough for him even though he tells me every single day that I am TOO good for him. I know that some women can be *****y little backstabbers who will do anything to get what they want.

As soon as Dave stopped replying to her she said "I'm happy for ya really I am, I don't love u or nuffin so dont worry. Im glad ur happy I never wanted u in that way anyway". Which made it just a little obvious that she's jealous and feels rejected and let down because he chose me and not her.

Urgh. But yes. I feel a lot better about it today. I got sleep, had this shoot, got told by the photographer and others how attractive/beautiful/sexy I am and how captivating my eyes and smile are, how I shouldn't hate my body, not even an inch of it because it's simply the symbol of perfection. Curves in all the right places, soft, clear skin and a slowly toning set of muscles

I love my job as a model and have done exactly 20 shoots as of today. In teh space of 3 months. I am so pleased with what I have achieved. I'm a very lucky girl to be where I am. It just gets so tough sometimes

Again, thank you for your help. It's been invaluable