Why am i feeling this guilt??

Hi,

I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling...

So heres my story:

I joined a theatre group and was very specific about what I wanted out of it when I spoke to the person who leads it. I spoke to two leaders and told them I'd only be able to do it for 3-4 months, would it be possible to get stage exposure in that much time? and they assured me, they'd put me on the stage right away...

Well its been 2 months, in between I took a break for 2 weeks I was sick but I haven't gotten ANYWHERE with this group, forget about getting onto stage.

All we do is sit in a group and read the script from 4 pm to 9 pm. We do some voice exercises and physical exercise and then we sit and read the script by one line in a group of 20 people... who are all beginners. I'm somewhat intermediate, I want to get some experience.

This is what makes me angry:
The leader promised me something he's failing to deliver.
The group is extremely cult-ish. The first few days i felt something wasnt right, I started researching cults online and I found out they meet 9 out of 10 characteristics of a cult: you're supposed to follow the leader "blindly", never betray the "guru", don't sit on the "guru's" chair.. btw this is a group in INDIA.

There's no planning. They decide to do a street play or a play like 3 days before and are like, OK everyone has to be here, even if you're not in the play..

This time, they put me in the chorus AGAIN and I told him I had some work that day so i can't make it.
The night before, during rehearsal, I get a text "URGENT, where are you? show tomorrow..."
And i told him, I can't make it i've got some urgent work to attend.
and he says "BUT its a show, OUR FIRST PRIORITY".

Okay yes it would be if I were actually in the play and actually doing what I had asked would be possible to do if i join. But that's not the case. I feel deceived and cheated.

I didn't respond. I got 8 more texts from other people in the group and from the leader as well that night and the following morning. I didn't bother responding because my therapist told me you dont have to tell others more than once what you want or will be doing... you shouldn't have to explain over and over again.

So then I just wrote back to him the next morning saying that my goals are more important and i'd like to have membership fees back but you may keep your monthly rent if possible.. and i didn't receive a response. frankly i dont care if i do get a response or not.

But what I don't understand is WHY AM I FEELING anxious and sad??
I do miss some of the people there.. but then I'm not getting what i came for...

What am i feeling? i'm getting this confused guilty/anxious feelings and many others.. having trouble figuring it out???

Maybe i feel bad because i know he's gonna flaunt this text message all over the group and say things like "LOOK, this is what we don't have to be. HER." i can totally see him doing that, not being paranoid, i just know his type very well. very manipulative and controlling.

You feel betrayed and angry you could not get what you want. One either has to "act" the anger out or take it in; only two directions and you have chosen "in". Can you join or start another group and get the education/experience you want? That would "show" these people and make it an act "out" of the anger rather than being anxious and depressed and left feeling like you have nothing and have somehow done something wrong. You have to do something positive with your anger or it will leave you feeling alone, anxious, and sad. Think of some way to "show" yourself (and maybe these people even) that you stand up for yourself and are on your side.

Thanks Perna but the fact that I sent that text and in the text i also said what was promised wasnt delivered, i am disappointed. Isn't that expressing the anger outwards??

Also, I did see another theatre group today, but when I went there I was sort of disappointed. The previous one (lets call it the cult group)... was a little more maintained as in it was a lot cleaner and seemed more happy...
this one was in a shabby place, not very clean and looked awfully sad with just one light hanging on the roof.. but why is all this making me sad?

Maybe after i got angry leaving the cult group, I made it a goal to find a better one and got disappointed when this new one didn't turn out to be better?

So then I just wrote back to him the next morning saying that my goals are more important and i'd like to have membership fees back but you may keep your monthly rent if possible.. and i didn't receive a response. frankly i dont care if i do get a response or not.
But what I don't understand is WHY AM I FEELING anxious and sad??
I do miss some of the people there.. but then I'm not getting what i came for...
What am i feeling? i'm getting this confused guilty/anxious feelings and many others.. having trouble figuring it out???
lots of times i feel misunderstood or others don't respect me appropriately. what i've learned is to objectively assess if my behavior or communication was appropriate. if i conclude it was then i just let go..sometimes difficult to do. the guilty/anxious feeling creates the anxious and sad feeling u have because you've internalized what isn't "yours". it's the other guy who's inappropriate, etc. those feelings u have that u've internalized as yours creates depression. anger turned inward=depression.
hope this helps, distressed. idk. imho, you handled the situation well and were honest about why you stopped being involved with them.

Hello, Distressed2010!
Keep reading about cults, or high-control/high-demand groups if you prefer, especially the stories of those who leave such groups. Guilt, anxiety, depression and more fill the stories of folks who break away or are thrown out of these little societies.

Thanks rohag but ive only been a part of this for about a month and a half. would i still feel guilty for leaving?

A month and a half doesn't sound like a lot of time, but how intense was your experience during that time?The leader mobilized his followers to prevent you from separating from the group. They're sending the not-so-subtle message you are not just letting down the leader but everyone else as well. That's a powerful, manipulative weapon. I can easily imagine guilt feelings rising in response to such an assault on one's psyche.

Distressed2010, I cannot know with any certainty how your current sense of guilt relates to your involvement with the theatre group. All I can say is that people whose lives have in some way intersected with roughly similar groups report a wide variety of post-involvement symptoms, exaggerated or inappropriate guilt being one of them.

I wish you much guilt-free success in the performing arts!