Fighting it seems futile

Every since I can remember I've felt distinctly different from the people around me. Back in school I wasn't energetic and outgoing - as everyone else apparently was - but timid, shy, didn't enjoy going out and had little interest in the other rituals of adolescence (alcohol, drugs, parties, sex. Well, okay, maybe I harboured a little interest for that last one).

I left school at 16 because I could no longer face being around people my own age, could no longer face studying, could no longer face a world that appeared increasingly harsh and uncaring. Frustratingly I was bright enough and perfectly capable of achieving things, but any promise I had was to go unfulfilled. Eventually I was forced to work and spent four years in office jobs that sapped the very soul from me.

Now I'm 24. Haven't worked for three years as I'm so mentally fragile, have no significant education, no skills, no desire to be part of a world I feel so utterly detached from. But that hurts because I dearly wish I did want to have a life - the stigma of my current existence weighs heavy and my years and years of lost youth still pain me. Two years of therapy have proved largely fruitless, with my therapist still (understandably perhaps) insistent on "small steps", the prospect of which depresses me yet further. I want - no, need - a BIG step please, and I need it NOW. My isolation is absolute; I'm simply unable reach out to anyone, whether in the "real" world or on the internet, where every type of person from every corner of the planet is within touching distance.

And so there's the abridged version of my life up to this point. In the interests of retaining the attention of a few people I have omitted just a few details. For those that made it this far, thank you for listening.

Sigh. Why does fighting it seem so damn futile?

stick around man, this place rocks. i know this and ive only been here a couple of days. at the moment i think im in a similar position to you; ie i have no friends in real world, no job, no life just me and my depression. i think your internet search if your lookin for carin heart warmin people who understand what you are goin through. i hope this place give some comfort to you as it has me.

corrosion, welcome to psychcentral.

Have you ever been put on medications for depression, or only talk therapy? It may be possible that you have a physical problem, chemical imbalance in the brain, that prevents any of the talk therapy from helping. Meds can help regain that balance, and once that is achieved, therapy can be more rewarding.

I can feel the same things that you describe. I know how difficult it can be. When you talk about making contact with others... most people who have not exerienced this cannot understand how something so seemingly simply can be so difficult to do. That's why a place like this is such a good thing, to have other people around who share experiences and can understand. You may be able to find local support groups in your area that can help as well.

I am glad you found PsychCentral and hope you will find this place of benefit.

(((((((((NICO))))))))))))

(((((((corrosion))))))))

If you want to take a BIG step then you're going to have to jump in with both feet. Are you ready to do that?
Where do you want this big step to lead you to? You have to know where you want to go before you take any kind of step.

I don't have many friends in real life either. Please feel free to PM me anytime you want to ok? I'm glad you found PsychCentral. It's really a great place to be. I hope you can find some comfort here. Take care..

Wlcome to psych central corrosion! Sorry you need us so! Yeah (nodding head) it does feel futile alot of the time! So stick it out with us here... we will battle together!

Hi Corrosion,

Good grief, for someone who has problems reaching out you just did a fine job. You got through to me from line one, and I was with you all the way.

The thing now is to stay with us. I'd guess that the depression will be whispering to you to let go, and not bother (that's what it did to me) and I had to fight it. Psych Central got wiped of my bookmarks a couple of times, but I'm still here. I hope it's the same for you.

Good thoughts, M

Firstly, my apologies for the late reply. It took me two months to feel able to say what I wanted to say and then several days to return to the thread I created, so it seems my participation in this community may prove difficult - but I shall try harder Thank you all for the kind words and taking the time to write. It is appreciated.

{{{{{Corrosion}}}}

It's a pleasure to meet you!

I just found this forum today and yours was one of the first posts I read. I found it gripping - especially the part where you stated [i]wishing you wanted to have a life</> or words to that effect.

That's exactly where I am now. NOTHING seems fun or interesting to do, thus here I sit staring sometimes blankly at the computer.

However, from the few posts I've read, there seem to be many, many people who have "walked in our shoes" so I am encouraged by that.

My best to you....

I don't think I really have anything to say except yeah, me too. (so here i go, saying more. heh.) I'm probably less shy than you are, but I'm certainly painfully shy and I don't really know how to fix it. Sometimes it helps me to know that I'm not the only shy person on the planet, so hopefully that will make you feel a little less alone. I've only been at PC for a day, but it seems like there are a lot of people here who are good at understanding. And I agree with Myzen: I think you did a fine job of "reaching out" here. Just because it's easier on the internet doesn't mean it's meaningless. If you stick around here, I'll definitely be rooting for you.