all talked out

justfloating · Mar 04, 2011, 06:48 AM

Woke up feeling panicked, guilty, miserable. No motivation. No energy. I want to go back to sleep, be unconscious, but I'm so miserable I can't even do that. Haven't seen my counselor in a long time. She's great but I can't do it. I have no more words, it's exhausting to think about. I know I should talk to someone but I'm so tired of talking. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I go over the same things every time and feel like I'm getting nowhere. I made huge personal progress and now I've stalled. Maybe this is as far as I can go. I feel like I'm being irresponsible not to talk to someone but I honestly can't do it anymore. I'm all talked out. I just want to let it have me for a while, and I feel like a failure because I can't even be bothered to go back and get help. I want the world to leave me alone. I want to curl up in a ball and just be alone and very quiet and calm. I'm screwing up my last semester already because I've missed so much class and that makes the panic worse but I am so exhausted, I can't do it anymore. And when I do go to class I feel like everybody's staring at me because they know something's not right, they think I'm being lazy by never showing up, that I'm the weird one who sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone and bolts out of the room the second the class is done. But I'm barely holding myself together in there. I have no idea how I'm going to finish this year. It's like I've run a marathon and I'm out of energy and if I finish at all it'll be by crawling on my hands and knees over the finish line. Being around people -- in class, in the street, on the phone -- is excruciating. I'm so restless and anxious and tired and distracted all the time. I just want it all to stop.

disguise123 · Mar 04, 2011, 09:37 AM

ur not in a good way, u poor thing. I know u dont want to talk but now would be a good time to act, make sure someone knows whats going on.
Even if you just write to your counsllor or get in touch with a mental health team at the local hospital.
Worried for u.

Elana05 · Mar 04, 2011, 09:46 AM

Dear Rebecca,

You are struggling with a major illness. Please be kind to yourself. The most important thing is to take care of yourself, everything else pales in comparison. I know it is so hard but try to focus on what step to take next. If need be, can you go to your therapist and say, "this is not working."
A good friend of mine who has struggled with major depression her whole life (she's in her 40s) several years ago started adding TMS (weekly now) and it has really helped her along with medication. Is there any way you could try this new treatment? Sending many supportive thoughts. My heart is with you. I know so clearly the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and just be alone and very quiet and of thinking everyone thinks "I'm lazy." It's just not true, it's what the depression tells us...

Elana

Rohag · Mar 04, 2011, 04:59 PM

Every once in a while I have these spells (or episodes or whatever you want to call them) where the disinclination to communicate is so powerful that I'm functionally mute. I can't call for help, I can't tell people I'm OK, I can't tell them I'm not OK. It's like I'm in a state of psychic shock.

Your current state reminds me of these spells, only of much greater duration.

May someone understanding be there for you when you are able to reach out again.

Leed · Mar 04, 2011, 05:12 PM

Oh gosh, I can so relate. There was a time years ago when I was exactly like you are right now. I wanted off ~ I wanted to leave this earth, and float around on a cloud. I didn't want to talk to any more therapists ~ one had even betrayed me and molested me. I couldn't do it anymore. But I knew I had to - my doctor sent me to a psychiatrist and I went. She took one look at me and asked me to sign myself into the hospital. I did ~ and I was so happy that I had somewhere to go to rest!! There were others just like me there too -- who understood!!

I had intense treatment for 2 weeks during which time I dredged up MOST of the things that had bothered me for so long -- things that were so painful. It was the best 2 weeks of my life. It did me a world of good.

No, I didn't want to talk at first ~ but once she got me started, I couldn't shut up. I think alot depends on your therapist. How you're treated, and how they go about getting things out of you -- that's the key.

I wish I could ((((hug)))) you right now, and let you know that everything is going to be okay. Because I know it will. It just takes time. Perhaps Monday you'll feel like calling your therapist, because you DO NEED to call her. I wish you the best. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Mar 04, 2011, 06:08 PM

(((((((justfloating))))))))))

turquoisesea · Mar 05, 2011, 03:09 PM

Please try to get to your doctors Rebecca - you're SO close to that finish line! don't feel GUILTY for how you're feeling! It's not your fault

Thinking of you, here for a PM always if you need or want

justfloating · Mar 05, 2011, 06:30 PM

Thanks for your support, all.

I've been kind of up and down the last couple of days. The last couple of weeks, really. My anxiety has been through the earth, especially with anything school-related. I'm not sure why it's worse now than it's been in the past but I nearly have a panic attack doing something as simple as checking my email. I'm going to make a doctor's appointment on Monday, and I have a friend who has said she'll check to make sure I've done it. I don't know why I haven't done it yet; the thought of picking up the phone and making the appointment -- which I've done at least every other month for the last three years -- has somehow become overwhelming.

The only thing that helps is writing. It's the only thing that I can do. Today I wrote for five hours without stopping. I feel guilty because I should be catching up on all the work I've been missing, but the thought of academics makes me feel sick. Writing for myself is the only thing I can do without feeling miserable. I've been writing obsessively for the past few days, like I need to purge myself of something, I don't know. But it gets me out of bed and out into the world (I write best in coffee shops or the library) and while I do it, I am genuinely happy. It's the only time that I feel alive, like I don't need to curl into a ball and hide from the world and like I have something to look forward to. The instant that I stop, the bad feelings return. But still, I should be doing the academic work. That's what I pay tuition for. That's why I'm here. Essentially what I'm doing now is wasting time and money the same way I would be if I just didn't get out of bed at all. I just wonder ... if I'm capable of writing shouldn't I be capable of studying? I know that the one thing brings me comfort and the other is largely triggering but I feel like I should be able to work through that as I have in the past. I feel like I've regressed in the past few weeks.

googley · Mar 05, 2011, 07:19 PM

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))

We are cheering for you!

disguise123 · Mar 05, 2011, 07:24 PM

can ur good friend, make the call for you to book ur appointment. Dont be ashamed to ask. I would!

Rohag · Mar 05, 2011, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justfloating

The only thing that helps is writing.

Yes! It's Rebecca! No doubt here...

Quote:

Originally Posted by justfloating

I just wonder ... if I'm capable of writing shouldn't I be capable of studying?

I tried to answer a similar question once...

Justfloating: You are yet capable of writing -- write! Don't lose writing. Worldly calculus may devalue the activity, but it is of great value to you. In the long run, momentary academe is the servant of your writing.

lavieenrose · Mar 05, 2011, 11:08 PM

((((((justfloating))))))), I can identify with the feelings that you describe, feeling all talked out, wanting to just curl up...I hope that your renewed efforts to be helped is fruitful for you. Writing sometimes helps me view the contents of my mind, and gain some perspective. I wish you the best.

turquoisesea · Mar 09, 2011, 08:44 AM

(((((Rebecca))))) What you're doing is trying to take care of yourself. Unfortunately sometimes with depression taking care of yourself means getting behind, even very behind in other things. I understand that anxiety. There was a time where I could not walk out the door without having a panic attack (this was at least partially medication induced). But I really really do undertstand. It makes everything 100x harder - getting to class? Calling docs? Calling FRIENDS even.

Did you manage to call your doc?

googley · Mar 09, 2011, 12:57 PM

(((((((((justfloating))))))))))

Wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I hope that you were able to contact your doctor. I find that to do lists help me. Even if it is just to organize what i have to do. Then I don't have to keep track of it in my head.

justfloating · Mar 09, 2011, 11:43 PM

I did get the doctor's appointment. It's not until Monday and that feels incredibly far away right now, but at least it's booked. Keep meaning to make an appointment with my counselor too but the last few days I haven't been able to get out of bed until early evening and then her office is closed.

I feel ... hollowed out. I've been having thoughts I haven't had since before my meds kicked in the first time. Disturbing thoughts I don't even want to admit to having because it makes them even more real and scary. They come and go, not terribly often but enough to worry me. I don't feel unsafe in any way whatsoever, just worried that I'm having these thoughts in the first place. I know this definitely means I need to talk to someone but even writing here about it is incredibly uncomfortable. My discomfort at the thought of talking about it is making my anxiety even worse, if you can believe it. Ugh.

The thing is, this is nothing I haven't dealt with before. I've been here, this exact place, and I know it's possible to get out. I've done it before. I've been good. I've had great days. I've been moving forward. Now that my depression seems to have caught up with me, however, I feel just as lost and alone and ashamed as ever.

Can't sleep now. I woke up and my thoughts just started going round and round in my head and now I'm exhausted but too worked up. I just want this to stop.