[Distressed2010]

I'm sorry I don't know where to post this but since depression is one of my conditions, i decided to do it here. I also don't know if this is abuse. I wish they had a dysfunctional family forum.

This is about my mom and me. Frankly, I'm just sick of her blaming me for EVERYTHING in the house, her life, everywhere. This is because I live with her and I'm always with her when she needs to talk. But the thing is, if I even give advice and she doesn't "like" the advice, then I'm stupid.

She's having a very stressful situation thats not related to me, but she keeps taking that stress out on me and I just can't take it anymore. I have enough stress of my own. My parents don't support my career (want to be an actor), so I'm going at it solo, I have to get all the support from within me. I try very hard to be strong. This extra stress from her is just so unnecessary in my life right now.

I don't have close friends either, that stresses me, I feel like I have problems having bf/gf relationships and probably wont' find a husband I want, that stresses me.

If I'm talking to her about HER problems, or even mine, I automatically start getting anxiety, I just don't know at what point she will start yelling at me and calling me stupid. Sometimes she doesn't even clearly tell the whole problem, she misses chunks of it, and for me being the outsider to the problem, I ask for clarifications to get the whole story down, she starts yelling at me.

She even blames me for her actions with her own problem. For example, She'll yell "FINE! i'll do that but then xyz will happen,then don't get on me. I'm doing what you want". But the truth is, its not what i want, it was just a suggestion for solving HER problem. Then she'll say I give her lots and lots of stress and I told her it wasn't me, it was her situation. Then she said I'm aggressive and no one can communicate with me, I'm this I'm that, etc etc.. and then she walks out yelling.

I just don't know what to do with the situation and also with my emotions. I've reached peak, CANNOT TAKE IT.

Then if i get angry, she says I'm thankless, so very thankless for what she does for me, I dont get financial support but yes she does make me tea in the morning, and does small things for me. I appreciate that but does that mean I need to be her punchbag to show that I appreciate it??

I also do small things for her, like make Her tea when she's tired and other things. I've adjusted my sleeping schedule for her. I sleep from 12 pm to 8 pm in the day just so she can sleep in the night because I can't sleep when she snores so I completely changed my schedule due to which I couldn't lead a normal life, I couldn't step out of the house for 6 months. I can't do that anymore either.

If i tell her I also do things for you, she says "what things? so what? you made me tea once? big deal (it wasn't just once, its almost daily), what I do for you you don't even realize".

UGH. please help.

My mother does do lots of small things for me but isn't that what she's supposed to do? she's my mother, I also do things for her but i dont feel the need to constantly state them all the time.. , but her not being able to address the stress at the right person and using me as a punchbag, i just can't take it anymore. its too much for me.

[hanners]

first off, ((((((((((((Distressed2010)))))))))))))

This IS abuse. It's emotional abuse. I went through the constant put-downs myself with my own mother, and it's taken me a long time to realize that it's her problems and not my fault. So kudos to you for realizing that already!

How old are you? Are you able to live on your own? You need to get out of that environment. Your mom seems like a horribly toxic person! If you aren't old enough yet to live on your own, can you talk to a teacher or counselor or someone else? Or call CPS?


I know it's an incredibly tough situation to be in, it sounds like no matter what you do, it will be "your fault"

[madisgram]

can you move out, distressed? your mom is a very unhappy, miserable, angry person. she projects that on you.
if you can't move perhaps when she wants your input re her many conflicts i would reply with, "mom i wish i knew the answers to help you, but i don't." she will try to suck you into a verbal exchange, try to push your buttons...but don't buy into her unhealthy behavior. just repeat the above statement every time she does this. she'll be frustrated, yell at you but just detach yourself from her. she may never stop her unhealthy behaviors but i'd use the same sentence everytime she attempts her manipulation on you. it's called "tossing the basket ball back to her" in therapy. i mastered this approach and assure you it works. any normal, constructive approach with her will not work. i know you know that based on your experiences with her.
if she calls you stupid i'd reply, i'm sorry you feel that way about me. then say no more.
i really hope you can move out. your life will improve, you will gradually make friends, and reduce your stress level. i hope my suggestions may help you. you deserve a meaningful life. what say u?

[AvidReader]

I feel for you, Distressed2010. Your environment sounds horrifically stressful. I remember one therapist I talked to said that some parents are so toxic that you are better off taking a teaspoon of arsenic each time you have contact with them. Sounds like your mom is one of those toxic parents.

I agree with hanners -- get out if at all possible. I hope it is possible, because your distress is coming through loud and clear. You deserve better.

Good luck! Wish I could "wave a wand" for you and make things automatically better, but I'm sending you some hugs.

[Distressed2010]

Thankyou everyone for the suggestions, I will definitely try them all.

To respond to all the questions, I am 27 and yes I will be moving out soon. My parents house was a temporary stopover that was supposed to last maximum 1 month, but now its been 6 months and I'm still here, waiting to relocate.
That is another stressful situation. I moved to another country and here, getting an apartment is terrible work, for this I need my uncle and mom to help me out and me and my mom have been depending on my uncle and I was supposed to have moved to another city in Jan, but my uncle went out of the country and then just kept delaying it. Even now, we bought the tickets and everything and now he says he wants to change the date AGAIN. It really sucks because if i could do this alone, i would have gone long ago... and he changes his mind like everyday and that is very stressful.

Also, about my mother, Idk I sometimes feel very bad for her, maybe I suck up her feelings, not sure. I can understand she's stressed and she also takes care of my ill dad, and he was always emotionally and verbally abusive to her throughout my whole life, and to me as well. So, sometimes i don't know how to feel. When I get stressed with her using me as her punchingbag, my first emotion is stress for how she treats me and then my second emotion is more stress for how she feels and for how her life has been.

Like I know she also wants me to move out and start my work, but then she will shift between "Why aren't you married?? why are you doing this?" and "yeah, okay go try your dream" and "what are you doing with your life? why're you doing this to yourself? everyone is married at your age, you're not, when will you get married? the other day xyz was also saying why aren't you married, blah blah blah".

I've been hearing the marriage stuff since I was 19. Infact, my family stressed me out so much that I believed that I would never get married. Now I really think maybe I wont. They'd say If you dont do it now, you won't get married, look we foudn you a guy, he's got a good job, just say yes, otherwise you'll stay single all your life. For 7 years of my life i was so stressed i thought I just had to find someone and get married or when i get old I won't have anyone. THis also strained my relationships.

Now, I'm just emotioned-out. period. now, I don't even want to hear the word "marriage" eventhough I do want it so badly some day but I don't have anyone to marry, so how do i get married?? But yet, I have to hear everyone in my family ***** about how I'm not married.

[Distressed2010]

I just wish I had a different childhood/life altogether, where I was close to my siblings and my family was supportive and loving and less abusive. *sigh*

I'm also scared I might turn out like one of them, if I have kids. I feel this might turn me into a controlling parent, if i ever get married..that is.

[AvidReader]

Sorry you've had so much family pressure about marriage, etc. I know it's really easy for me to say this (or should I say, sit here and type this), but if you can, please just ignore that stuff. It's natural to want to meet someone and to get married, but let me tell you, marriage is not always the key to happiness. It's definitely better to be happy alone than to rush into a relationship/marriage with a person you won't truly be happy with.

Urgh -- I sound like I am spouting cliches, so I'll shut up now!

I can definitely understand the whole wishing you had a different childhood thing. I wish that myself a lot. I grew up with alcoholic parents, and even now that I'm in my 40s I still get knots in my stomach when I have to talk on the phone to my father.

I hope your uncle manages to stick to a date to help you move, soon, so you can get out of that stressful environment!

[embracinglife]

I also wish there was a dysfunctional family forum.

[reader1587]

Originally Posted by embracinglife

I also wish there was a dysfunctional family forum.

Me too—if for no other reason, many family members wind up developing psychoemotional disorders of their own because of the toxicity of their home situation.