I need help, and don't know where to look anymore

Ok i am going to paste an email body that I have sent out over 100 times to every mental health organization that is in my area and more:

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this email to Dr. John Grohol's Forums because I do not know who else to ask for help. My name is Sam and I am having a very bad problem with depression and anti-social mental issues.

I have for as long as I can remember had problems with depression. About 3 years ago the depression started to get worse and take over almost every aspect of my life. I have had more jobs then I can possibly count. I think this is due at least in part of not being able to deal with people and the general world on a daily basis.

At this point I am living with my parents, again. I have lived with my parents almost my entire life. This is for a couple of reasons. First, I do not have any place else to go. Second, I feel more “in control” of my emotions and my moods when I am here. When I am here I can stay in the basement in my room and leave just as little as possible and not have to deal with the world outside.

At this point I am not sure what to say. I will try to put into words how I feel although it will not be easy. Every day when I wake up I am afraid of how I will feel. No matter how I feel when I wake up though I know my mood will change. I go from being content to being down faster then I can possibly explain. I suppose there are several “levels” of what my mood can be and I just cannot handle the constant daily changing of how I feel and what I think of life in general. Sometimes I can smile and be a happy person and others I just want to cry (and I do cry a lot, most times for no apparent reason other then it feels like the right thing to do) and hate the world so much that I do not want to be part of it any more. I cannot explain why I feel the way I do from moment to moment and sometimes my mood changes for no reason at all and sometimes small things can put me into a really awful sad and sometimes mad mood, things that for most people would just explain as life.

I cannot handle to be around people in general. This morning my mom took my dad and I out to breakfast at Golden Corral. I woke up in “content” with life and intending to get some things done around the house and be productive. Just being in the restaurant with so many people all around by the time I got home I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me for being a nutcase and a looser. I cannot even go to Walmart and buy smokes without wanting to run and hide. I had a great job, one I enjoyed more then any other, working at the DirecTV call center for over a year, every day I fought the depression and the feeling that I did not belong there because I enjoyed working and I enjoyed the job. After about the 11th month things just started getting worse and worse. At the end I would sit on the phone for an hour and would have to go into the stairwell or to my car and cry and then sometimes I would be able to return to my job and sometimes I would not. I spent over a year not working and barely leaving my parents basement having very severe depression issues. At some point I was “feeling better” and got into a truck driving school in Salt Lake City, Utah, I drove a truck for 6 months trying to fight the feelings of depression and anger due to not wanting to be where I was and doing what I was doing. It was not that I did not want to be working; it was not anger due to the fact that I did not like the job. I just get so tired of fighting the feeling that no matter where I go people are judging me watching my every move.

So, now I am living with my parents again. Well I am living with my step dad anyways, he and my mom are not getting along very well and my mom is living in her own apartment for now at a care home where she is working. My dad does not understand what is going on with me no matter what, and I will not try to describe to him my feelings and why I am not going out to get a job. He is very old fashioned and does not ‘believe’ in mental illnesses in any way. The financial situation here is very dire and I am more and more of a burden. I smoke and cannot afford my cigarettes, I am addicted to the caffeine in Pepsi and cannot afford that either. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to stay here at this rate and have nowhere else to go. I will not go and be a thorn on any other family members. I cannot talk to my mom about what is going on, she tells me constantly that I need to just go out and get a job and be a man. I have no one to talk to but my dog and although sometimes it helps to talk to her and cry on her shoulder, it is just not the same.

I think every day that I would just be better off dead. Thinking this makes me more and more sad until I hit a breaking point, and thankfully I have been able to convince myself that being dead will not solve anything. I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. There are days that I wish I could go and get high or drunk and maybe I could shut down my mind and not feel the way I do anymore. Most times I just want to die, then I am angry with myself because I am not brave enough to do anything about that.

Basically I need help right now. I do not know where to turn for help. I am afraid I am going to get committed to a place where I will have to be with other people every day, and I know I cannot handle that. I know I need some sort of medication; there is no way I can afford this. I cannot continue to live in my parents’ house and be a thorn and a problem; I have nowhere else to go. I guess I have 2 options, either go live under a bridge by myself and hope I can at least feed my dog or I can end my life and not have to think about it anymore.

I don’t know if this is going to go to anyone that will be able to help me; my hope is that if it does not then at least maybe it will go to someone that will know where to send it. I will try to find other emails to send this to and maybe I can hit the right person or people that can at least give me some options. If there is no help for me, especially if there is no help without money in my pocket, and I have to continue to live like this then what is the point of living.

Thank you very much for your time and have a great day.

Samuel E. M.

As an adition to this, I do not sleep anymore and at this point I feel totaly lost.

All the replies to my emails have been to call one crisis hotline or another, and when I do they tell me I need to sign myself into one place or another for help.

I do not think I can handle going somewhere with lots of other people and being forced to sit in groups with tons of other people. I went to Wendy's last night to get dinner and had to go in since the drive through was out of order, by the time I left I was ready to puke and almost passed out.

I dont know where to look anymore.

Samuel,
I am very new to PC but I can assure you you have come to the right place. I have found more support, acceptance, and compassion here than I would have ever hoped for.

I have been suffering and living with depression for at least 30 years. There is help and you can get thru this.

Welcome to PC

Sam, I'm sorry that things are really rough on you right now. I understand your frustrations.

Now, I'm going to say something that others have said, but with a tiny different twist. Is there a state or county mental health clinic in your area? That is where I go and I see a Pdoc and I get my meds free. I also got a correct diagnosis there.

Have you looked around at our website and taken any of the quizzes concerning diagnoses? They are very helpful because it can sorta give you something to hang your hat on for awhile.

Please, please check into community health care and see what is offered in your area. I live in a small city in Oklahoma and we have an excellent facility here. Good doctors and great assist staff.

xoxox pat

I agree with Pat, and I was thinking along the same lines.

See if you can find a clinic. I know there will be people there, but you have been able to get out to other places around people (albeit with unpleasant results) but this will be worth the effort if it can get you help. I would think they would understand your difficulty of being around people and have some solutions to that, as it is part of the illness they would want to treat, but it may take some extra effort on your part. But it is possible that some sort of anti-anxiety med might help you with those symptoms and allow you to pursue the other help you need with much greater ease.

You are going to have to have some faith that help is available and that being in an uncomfortable situation may be the only way to avail yourself to that help. Even so you can search for a way to make it the least uncomfortable for you.

Good luck, and welcome to the forums. Continue to post here for suggestions, understanding and support.

Well it would be ok to go to a clinic and get help if there is one in my area. Somehow I doubt that there is being where I live. It seems if you are not a woman with kids, especialy the ones that just want a free ride and do not want to work, there is no help for you around here.

I do not know what I am going to do about finances though. My parents are constantly telling me I need to get out and get a job and be a man, and will not listen to anything I have to say at all and it is eventualy going to get down to me not having a place to live.

I know I will not be able to handle being homeless, especialy in winter when it is now getting down to freezing here and rains all the time.

I am so lost.

Welcome to Psych central ((((Samuel)))) yes, you have described depression quite well. It's a nasty beast, I know. IMO, you have already confined/committed yourself... to your dad's basement? No, many ppl do not and never will understand mental unwellness... I'm sorry you had to realize that fact.

What you DO need is someone to talk with! There are many members here who will do that in chat with you, and here in forums, but mainly you need someone IRL (in real life).. who KNOWS depression and can help you counteract it's lies that it tells. CBT is a great counter for depression, as are some of the newest meds. You DO need outside help; depression does not get better on it's own. There are members here who can list the resources you MUST check with for assistance... if you have sent this to so many outlets, you can do this IRL and find a clinic or something that will help you begin to heal.

I'm sorry you had to find us, and need PC, but glad you did... come back and post often!
(Welcome zuzu, didn't see you sneak into PC hehehe I've been busy battling a hurricane here in South Florida!) tc