getting lower

Not feeling well today at all. I hardly know how to cope with anything anymore. I’m starting to give up. On life. On everything. It’s amazing how I have bursted at the seams. One thing after another, maybe it happened like a domino chain…I just stopped caring. And now here I am. I feel like an almost failure. I will be a failure if I fail to get this job transfer. Then I will be doomed.

I’m looking forward to going to a group tomorrow night called Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional families. It will be my second time going to one of those meetings. I’m thinking of buying the workbook that they are using. It’s $10. I’ve also gone to a couple of Codependents Anonymous meetings. It’s like I’m looking forward to these meetings every week. I almost feeling like I’m living to go to them…even though I have no proof that they will help me. It’s my last resort.

I’m starting to get really annoyed with my mom. I haven’t even really talked to her much lately, but when we do talk…I feel like she doesn’t have unconditional love for me. I feel like she blames me for what my life is. I feel that she doesn’t understand what I’m going through and feeling…even though I told her once that I had been having suicidal thoughts. I’m starting to realize how f-d up my family is, the more that I think about it. Why can’t they deal with my emotions? Am I not allowed to feel? Or do they really have a “fix” for me…and is it really all my fault for being depressed?

One of the slogan characteristics of dysfunctional families is the beliefs: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel. My family seems to qualify for this, as much as I hate to admit to it.

I think about death more and more. Not that I want to kill myself. But I am thinking about it.

Please dont give up hope!! Im glad you reached out on here im sorry things are so hard on you im sending you a hug

Those meeting are good. I have been to both and went to codependents for a long while and read all the books. I also go now to Al-anon which is the same 12 steps. A great way of life. I always though everyone should have those 12 steps and the tools. They are for everyone. Try to get a sponsor there that you can work with. I would even ask after the meetings if someone would be your sponser.

You are doing the right things. I would buy the work book too. Sometimes depression take a while to go away but doing all the things that can help will make it go away faster.

You might check in either meeting if they go afterwards for coffee or something. Thats a good way to make friends. Its scary at first but in time you will fit right in and make great friends.

Sorry you are having a rough time. Glad you found something that is helpful. Do take advantage of the suicide resources here and try to take things just a day at a time when you are feeling so low. That's what I did when I was as low as you seem to be now, and it got me through it without the groups that you have. And I'm so glad I did--I think you will be too. Recovery is possible after upbringing in a dysfunctional family. I have one too--and, as an older person now, I've learned to enjoy each one for their good points and can overlook the rest. Sending you a hug to help you through this rough time--but DO believe that life will get much better and easier too.

Don't give up , things will get better
And u are not a failure , u can only fail if u dont try. so aslong as u tried u are not a failure.
Im glad you are looking forward to going to this group I hope it helps.
And as for your mom she probably will never understand because she has not have to life with it every single day all you can do is try to make her understand to a certain point and some people will just never get it and just think its easy to fix.
But we know its not and I hope things will get better for you
Hang in there my friend!

Thanks Jarebear, that really helps