[shezbut]

What a horrible weekend for me!

I tried so hard to be a good mommy. I really did! As usual, I picked up my girls from school on Friday. My 3rd grader's friend wanted to stay the night with us. I remember those fun times from my childhood, my safe escapes from Hell. I accepted her request quickly.

The girl came over Saturday afternoon. We did everything! Went to the Y, and went swimming. Played lots of games. Watched a movie. Ate well & then read books before bed. I was pretty stressed throughout, and had to use every inkling of motivation to keep going. But I did.

The late night went horribly. Before I even fell asleep, my oldest came into my room unable to sleep. I get her calmed down & trying to relax, when in comes my kindergartener crying (from a bad dream). My 3rd grader steps out into the living room quietly. I work on relaxing the younger daughter. Which started working when, suddenly the sleepover wakes too. All 3 girls were then awake all freakin night long.

Not too bad, most people think. Pretty normal, I assume. I live in an apartment building, for disabled people, and the girl above my apartment dislikes me. 3:00 a.m. and the girls are acting as though it's freakin noon! I was exhausted ~ I take meds every day to help me sleep & balance my mood, so the noise was NOT helping. I kept going out into the living room & reminding the girls to tone it down. We have to remember that it's late, others are sleeping, blah, blah...

Their quiet would last for 15 minutes or so, and then I'd have to get up again. I felt like a freakin prison warden or something! Man.....I just hated it! I was fighting very strong impulses to drink a beer (or so), blow up, and string people's necks. I know ~ how freakin evil, isn't it???!

JC! Self hate was also kicking in strongly by the morning, and by the afternoon, it was stuck in me. I couldn't bring myself to give hugs or smiles goodbye, when my ex-hub came to pick everyone up. More self-hate thoughts for that too. I went up to my bf's apartment (upstairs) and cried to him for a little bit. Eric laughed at my comment about avoiding my urge to drink, asking me ,"Why?? Your want to drink a beer and relax, go for it." So, I did.

I drank 3 or 4 beers and relaxed a bit. We went to bed, but I still wallowed in my self-hate. As we kissed (and stuff) my mind was really kicking hard about what a POS I am. All of my self-hate went on to my physical flaws. Here, Eric was all ready & my mind was NOT in the mood.

Thankfully, common sense kicked in & told me that I'd better not give in to my physical desires...because that would only give my mind more ammo against itself. I gave Eric some tender kisses and then said goodnight to him. Nice, huh?

I'm a horrible person....I just hate myself ~ with a passion!!

Shez

p.s. Congrats if you made it through my very long post. Sorry!!

[Leed]

I can't for the life of me see why you hate yourself! You graciously let the little girl stay overnight ~ you didn't kill any of them when they got noisy ~ ~ you comforted them cause they all freaked out.

So you had 3 or 4 beers ~ is that supposed to be significant?? I probably would have done that too if I wasn't in recovery. LOL Kids have a way of stressing the life right out of you.

So why do you hate yourself with a "passion?" I just don't get it. I guess you'll have to draw me a picture cause I'm dense. Seems to me you did pretty well. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Leed

So why do you hate yourself with a "passion?" I just don't get it. I guess you'll have to draw me a picture cause I'm dense. Seems to me you did pretty well. Hugs, Lee

I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. My emotions are intense.

So, I wasn't just a little frustrated or stressed. I was ~ HUGELY stressed out. Intense, inescapable emotions become overwhelming to me.

I am not an alcoholic, but drinking to avoid my mood isn't healthy either. So, I feel guilty for avoiding dealing with the emotions. Then, the beer loosens me up ~ but I go into the self-kicking tendency. Puting myself down for not being perfect. I'm too fat. I'm too ugly. My personality sucks. My bf deserves a much better person than I.

The words quickly become more and more dark. The thoughts can't be escaped. Part of me wants to get out as fast as possible, while another part reminds me that I really don't have anywhere else to go. A bad spiral downward.

I do have borderline p.d., which can explain the intensity of my emotions. Knowing that diagnosis doesn't help me get through these very dark times though. Sex could be a great stress reliever, and often is, for me with my bf. But I cannot get through the self-hate thoughts to get into sex, which isn't unusual for me, but it is miserable!

Hope that helps you understand a little better. I was afraid that no one would understand my perspective. I do tend to over-react to things, that's one of the traits of BPD. It just stinks

Shez

[lynn P.]

(((shezbut))) - I think you handled yourself very well, even if you don't think so. if there's one thing that makes me grouchy it's not getting enough sleep or having my sleep interrupted...grrrr. The only thing I would recommend for next time - is if the girls want a sleep over, they can't pull a noisy all nighter. Instead of you being firm with them, you were hard on yourself. I think you did as well as any of us and tried your best to comfort and make your children happy.

[Wispiwill]

I was afraid that no one would understand my perspective.

I'm new here so I can't be certain but I'm fairly certain that someone will, even if just me - at least a little bit.

I know the self-hate ride fairly well - been there, done that, got the season ticket. It's a winding staircase down to hell that only seems to travel in one direction. Does that sound familiar?

As to the kid side of things? I have one child and have enough trouble coping with her, let alone more. I think I'd have been tearing my hair out, or worse, in your situation. You did well, better than I would have done (which is probably at least partly why I've never let her have a sleepover yet - I'm fairly certain something bad would happen).

I don't know if any of that will be of any help to you but I hope it will. Sorry if it doesn't.

Take care *hugs*

[shezbut]

Thank you for your kind response, Wispiwill.

Yeah, self-hate and I have been on the same train for a very long time. Keeps on going down, despite everything I do to avoid it. My bf hasn't ever experienced self-hate, so he's baffled by it. He doesn't understand how I can seem happy and careless one minute, and then be struck by such deep dark self-hate thoughts.

Thank you for the compliment on my behavior with the girls. I try so hard....but isn't ever easy. Never! I have these "fantasy-like" goals developed in early-childhood. I try to be more realistic, but it's always a kick down. Don't know if you understand what I mean. Life is often so frustrating for me. My T put it well today, when he said that I'm like a pot just ready to boil. Add anything into my pot and I flow over. A very good way to put it!!

Welcome to Psych Central, Wispiwill. I hope that you are able to gain some relief, support, and coping techniques to help you through. Very best wishes to you!

[lavieenrose]

((((((Shezbut))))))), I know the feelings you described. Some every day event turning on the self-hate faucet, and it's like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger. Ugh! I hope that you can be kind and forgiving toward yourself, even a little. I know it's hard.

[shezbut]

"Some every day event turning on the self-hate faucet, and it's like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger."

Exactly lavieenrose.
Very good analogy ~ thank you for understanding and being there for me!