completely stuck in the past

I am so stuck in the past.

Every waking moment I think back on either what did happen or what could've happened: the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" syndrome. I know it's holding me back. I know it's keeping the door tightly shut on allowing good things to enter my life again. But I just can't let go of things and nothing seems to be helping. In fact, I feel like I've given up on trying to feel better. I feel completely lost, lonely, abandoned, empty, miserable, sentimental, sad, hurt, useless, hopeless, helpless - drifting from one empty day to the next with an utter sense of lack. People are sick of hearing me whine and so I am. Yet I continue to wallow. Lately all these feelings have sharply intensified, but honestly, I've felt this way for YEARS. Why can't I get out of my own way? Why do I feel it will always be this way for me?

On top of all that, I feel very guilty posting this when I know so many others are suffering through much worse than my self-created problems. I'm sorry.

Hey, Sad,

I face the same issues to some extent. If you can't let go of things and trying to just ties you up emotionally, then it might be a good idea to try to replace those experiences and the thoughts resulting from them with more positive ones. To do this, you have to go out and meet new people and experience new things. With patience and, I dare say, a little bit of luck, you should be able to give yourself some new positive experiences, thoughts and memories. Those old ones will slowly become more and more distant as your focus centers on your new friends, hobbies, trips, etc.

We are all on here for different reasons and who are any of us to judge whether our experiences are worse / better than anyone elses. It seems what we all have in common is some sort of pain - our journeys may be different but I guess we all have a desire to be able to deal with life a little better and that makes us all valid members on here. Sometimes it helps to let go of things if you can share them (working on this one myself ) - can you share more of your "coulda, shoulda, woulda" -

I agree with SoupDragon..pain is pain, no matter where it came from. Please don't feel guilty..post away

This is a reading from a book I have -- it is a page on "regret."

"Nothing so ties us to the past as regret. Think about it. It is almost impossible to venture forth while facing backward.

But today's reality is what we must accept and work with. What was is gone. All we can do in the here and now is to accept it as it is without rage or blame, without regret or resentment. All the voting has already been done that made today be what today is.

Ah, but the future! Tomorrow! That's quite a different matter. Today we vote for what tomorrow will be. Today's seeds are tomorrow's harvest, today's struggle is tomorrow's victory.

When we accept today as it is without regret, we shuck off the terrible burden of self-pity, with all its "shoulds," "if onlys," and "what ifs." A thousand "ifs" don't equal a single "is." When we build on accepted reality, we build on solid rock."

A lot of our problems are self created since a lot of us stand in our own way of progress because of our negative outlook. But your pain is just as real as anyone else's and you've every right to post this thread and never feel guilty for it. No matter how much you fret about the past and how much you look back upon what went wrong, beating yourself up about it isn't going to change what happened or didn't happen. We all make the wrong choices, but what you can do is look to what you can do with your time from now on. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life in misery and you're not a bad person, or a loser, nor are you unlovable. Your ex-wife doesn't deserve you and what she said was hurtful, untrue and wrong and I have the feeling that what she said was part of what she felt about herself. I don't care what reasons she had for saying something like that because nobody deserves to be told that; it's incredibly cold and cruel. Now you may dismiss this as you wish because I'm young and silly, I'm also a bit of a hypocrite because I'm better at giving advice than following it myself - otherwise I wouldn't be as unhappy as I am now. I look back on my teenage years and I feel I've wasted them, I really do. But there's nothing I can do about that other than work to make the future different. It's easier said than done I know... but think about this... how much of your current loneliness is self imposed and how much could you do if you just took the risk and didn't look at the past as what defines you? Your ex-wife, the people you say are sick of hearing you whine... you don't need them if they don't care about you. And you deserve to be happy. And if you say people are sick of hearing you "whine" (not that you're whining) - I think you need to get out of your social circle because it's clearly gone stale to some extent. There are people out there who care like you told me. And it's not too late at all...

I don't mean to sound like a smart *** though... I don't know exactly what your current situation entails. All I know is that you don't deserve to spend your life punishing yourself for your mistakes because what you'll end up doing is waste more time that you could've spent enjoying yourself or working towards a more supportive situation, doing things that you enjoy, meeting people who's company you will enjoy.

Thank you all for your kind comments and support!

Okay, here goes....

After my ex-wife and I split up in 2001, I fulfilled a life-long dream by moving to New York City. I was so filled with hope that I'd have a great life there, meet new people, make new friends and one day get into another (and healthier) relationship. The first 2-3 years were very enjoyable. I simply LOVED living in Manhattan and appreciated all that it had to offer. But I screwed everything up. I began to ignore my then-shrink's suggestions to nurture myself and take advantage of my new life (which I did at first). But then all my progress stopped:

- I fell into a painkiller addiction that I shoulda caught much earlier.
- I didn't do nearly enough to meet people; instead, I went to bars alone on Friday or Saturday nights with the false hope of meeting new friends and perhaps a new girlfriend.
- I stopped riding my bike around town (which I initially loved) because I began to feel so lonely; I shoulda focused instead on how healthy it was for me.
- I made terrible choices with my career; eventually maxing out all my credit cards to pay the rent and destroying my credit.
- Instead of taking advantage of the all the opportunities I had to meet friends or women, I chatted online with various people from across the country - all the while bemoaning the fact that I was lonely and not meeting anyone. One woman even began to stalk me online. I shoulda be been out and about taking advantage of the city every chance I could.

By 2007, I was forced to leave my extremely affordable legal sublet because I was flat-broke. For the past 4 years, I've been living at home with my older brother and invalid mother. My regrets and depression have stood in the way of me having a steady job. This is a bedroom community I live in now and I relate to no one here (that's not meant to sound snobby; I'm surrounded by families and feel I have nothing in common). Even though I made very few friends in NYC, I miss the local guy at the deli or my doormen or my neighbor I used to chat with or one of my friendly local bartenders. The only good things I've done here in NJ is to finally beat my addiction and provide good care for my cat until he passed away 2 months ago.

I miss NYC terribly. Never in my life have I ever felt so comfortable living somewhere. But I think what I miss more are the things that I didn't do. I coulda had a very good life, but I failed so miserably and completely. People told me that moving back home would be devastating and a huge setback for me and they were right. I shoulda, coulda done more to save my lifestyle and stay in the city. I had a great therapist at the time and if I had only heeded his advice, I'd probably still be living there. But now, my credit is shot and I'm broke and unemployed. I've convinced myself that I can never get back there, that I blew a golden opportunity. Yet there's nowhere else I'd rather live.

Like I said, I wish I could free myself of these painful regrets. Missing my NYC lifestyle is one thing. But the daily self-torture over my missteps is quite another.

It sounds like you have done a lot of reflecting - well done for dealing with your addiction, such a hard thing to do. Do you still have a T now?

Thank you. I see a psychiatrist every other month. He's the same guy who helped me get off the painkillers. In addition to my blood pressure meds, he also monitors the anti-anxiety med (klonopin) that he originally put me on to ween me off the addiction. Great guy, but too pricey to see weekly (I have no insurance). So I'm looking around for weekly talk-therapy with someone else.